Lonely this Valentine's day? Ben Karlin feels your pain. As the editor of Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me, the former Emmy-winning executive producer of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart and co-creator of its sister program The Colbert Report turns his focus from the political to the personal, collecting hilarious-yet-touching essays on ill-fated relationships from various well-known writers, comedians, musicians, and a former U.S. Senator. CollegeHumor recently spoke with Karlin about the book, Valentine's Day, and the comedic merits of getting kicked in the nuts.

What's your opinion of Valentine's Day? Sweet-natured holiday or Hallmark scheme?
All I know is St. Valentine died for our sins and we honor him by eating chocolate shaped like a bunny. If that doesn't make you weep, I don't know what will. I should mention I was home-schooled.

Do you consider yourself romantic?
I consider myself romantic in the worst possible way. Like, hopeless and pathetic and pie-in-the-sky, not "romantic carriage ride through Central Park while 'That's Amore' is playing somehow in the background." My romanticism is rooted in the impossible and unknowable and I am basically damned to life of eternal disappointment because of it. Piece of advice: Saying the above does NOT work as a pick-up line.

Just answer the questions below to see if you're going to ruin your life by getting some broad pregnant today, or if you've drank too much Mountain Dew for that to ever be possible! If you are a female taking this quiz, reverse the genders of each question in your head and use your imagination.

Let's start with the basics, do you have a girlfriend?
No girlfriend and no girls on the horizon (0 points)
There's one or two girls I hook up with but it's not serious (1 point)
I don't have a girlfriend but the girl I hook up with regularly would say she had a boyfriend if asked the same question (2 points)
I have a girlfriend (3 points)

Did you get anyone any gifts for today?
No. I already told you I can't get a date. Stop making me feel bad (0 points)
I'm sure I can find something in one of my drawers if any girls come over (1 point)
The movie rental is on me tonight (2 points)
Flowers and chocolate. Pretty standard really (3 points)

This is from our friends at Mortified showing us that High School football players write poetry and have emotions, INTENSE EMOTIONS!

It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to RoommateConfessions@GMail.com

One of the girls I live with basically parties four nights a week at our house until late in the night. Even during finals week when all I want to do is sleep. Today I got diagnosed with mono and to try and give her a taste of her own medicine, I spit on all of her tooth brushes as soon as I got home. Now she'll have to appreciate sleep as much as I do.
Katherine, University of Michigan

Reading the roommate confession about the cat reminded me of something particularly bad I did to a neighbor in college. We lived in a duplex and the other side of the house was filled with hippies. I got used to going to sleep to the sound of Phish and the Grateful Dead but sh*t hit the fan when they brought home a homeless dog one day. This dog would sh*t and piss in our mutually shared lawn and they would never clean it up. The landlord and I both would complain about this dog destroying the lawn when he finally made a proposition to me. He would give me one free month of rent if I got rid of the dog. So I drove the dog out to farm country and dropped him off and drove away. After a few weeks of posting signs all over the neighborhood they quickly forgot about the dog and moved on. I collected my free rent and finally got to enjoy my yard again.
Josh, SCSU