*Fade in on the Gotham City Police Department. Batman addresses Commissioner Jim Gordon and his officers.*

Batman: There's no time to waste. Two-Face is holding the Second National Bank hostage, and we-

*Superman bursts in.*

Superman: Yo, Bruce-man, sorry I'm late. What's the sitch?

Batman: Well, as I wrote in the comprehensive brief I sent out-

Superman: Oh, no worries, totally glanced over that. Double-Face, right? What's his deal again? Laser eyes? Super-speed?

Batman: No, he's, um, obsessed with the number two.

Superman: Ha! No, seriously. What's he do? Mind control?

Batman: Well, he also has this skin condition.

Superman: Are you f*cking kidding me? One sec.

*Superman crashes out through the wall.*

For the past two years, every time I've called my mom's cell phone it has rung all the way to voicemail. The other day I was in the same room as her when her phone rang and started playing some standard tune. I watched as she just looked at the phone and ignored the call. When I asked her if she was going to answer it she replied "Yes, but don't you have to wait until the song's over?"
From Matt B.

I went to meet my grandfather for father's day and when I went to shake
his hand, he closed his fist and tried for a fist bump/pound while saying, "Less germs!"
From Anon.

It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to RoommateConfessions@GMail.com.

My final year of college I had a bro-tastic roommate that just loved his protein and whey. After a long night of pounding Carling (Canada's version of Natty Light) and "killing hookers" at some random kegger as you put it you'd wake up the next morning before me and use my electric frying pan to cook your steak and egg omelette's and whey shakes and leave the pan uncleaned for my breakfast later on that morning. After about a month of this I got pretty sick of cleaning up after you and started re-wiring the frying pan so every time you turned it on it would short out in the handle and shock the living sh*t out of you. You'd ask me to fix it, I'd fix it without a word and then promptly un-fix it a couple days later. Even better, you stopped asking me to fix it and went out and finally bought a brand new electric frying pan, which I also promptly "optimised it's wiring."
Kevin, Mohawk College

My roommates girlfriend steadily moved her stuff in until she basically became our roommate as well. She was a miserable woman who was constantly complaining about everything. For example, she lost her keys once which I found buried in the couch. So she accused me of stealing them so that she would be late for work - yeah, like I wanted her to NOT to leave, right? Anyway, when she hung a bath sponge thing in our shower, I used it as a pee catcher. It absorbed a lot of pee for nearly a year. They eventually married, then divorced. She never stopped being a miserable individual.
Dave University of St Thomas