My high school girlfriend introduced me to many things: how to make a good quesadilla, Regina Spektor, everlasting love and being cheated on. But also, and perhaps most importantly to this column, she introduced me to the online social revolution. As I began courting her, I would religiously check her LiveJournal, eager to read the deeply personal things she would share with anonymous strangers, and to see if any of them involved me. A friendly leg-up on figuring out females? It was like a digital version of Hitch!

In the years since this introduction, the online social revolution has continued to revolt, creating new and even easier ways of stalking people. Which brings me to Twitter. To my less hip readers, Twitter.com is a Web site where you can post brief comments about what you are currently doing (to these same readers: I've bought my plane tickets home for Thanksgiving, I'll be arriving at LAX). Twitter even allows you to "tweet" from your cell phone, so people can read what you're doing when you're out and about. But it's more than just a voluntary version of the agreement I had to make with my mom before going to parties in middle school. Twitter is a way to achieve celebrity, a way to have millions of fans follow one's every move. Eager to feel like President Obama or the Balloon Boy, and reluctant to write more columns about loneliness, I created a Twitter account several weeks ago. Stardom was but several clicks, an account name and a six-character-minimum password away.

	PREPORIOUS DOUCHEBAGIUM "Preppy Douchebag" Pickup line: "You would look good sunbathing at my Nantucket summer cottage." Found: Ivy League campuses, smoking clubs, Rugby stores Wears: Polo shirts, boating shoes, suits at inappropriate times Thrives on: "Intellectual" discussions, purebred dogs, wine coolers Weakness: Actually intellectual discussions.
	FRATERNITORUS DOUCHEBAGIUM "Frat Bro Douchebag" Pickup line: "I made this drink for you." Found: Beer pong championships, The Game, not lectures Wears: College apparel, Birkenstocks with socks, puca shell necklaces Thrives on: Natty Ice, cold pizza, the blood of sorority freshmen Weakness: Correct spelling and grammar.

Tired of your old Photoshop filters? Adobe just released five new ones to make your life even better (or at least seem that way).

Roll over each image to see the new filters in action.

In college no one cares what you wear to class, but they do care what you wear on Halloween. There are literally million of things you could dress up as; this is why your choice in costume says a lot about you. This is what you were saying this Halloween with your costume choice.

Disclaimer: Tweets are chronologically backwards for the sake of readability

One time the girlfriend and I were outside in my backyard when she happened to find a bar of soap. So she picks it up tosses in her hands, pretending to take a shower and having a good laugh. So the next day, I'm studying for a midterm and mom comes up to me and tells me not leave my bar of soap on the bottom of the shower because the dog eats and poops it out. I never did explain to my girlfriend how the bar of soap got out there.
-James B, Ontario

My girlfriend hated Transformers 2 because there was "too much" robot fighting.
-Anonymous

My GF of six years dumped me the week of finals, seven days before I graduated college. She said she, "wanted time to be single and trust her own decision making." Six months later, she was engaged, pregnant and enlisted in the army.
-Rich

This August while sleeping on an air mattress on vacation, my girlfriend pissed herself, and because I'm heavier than her, it all came down and pooled around me. I woke up shivering, soaked in my girlfriend's piss.
-Drew, Wayne State

There comes a time in a professional wrestler's career when cutting a mean promo on the Ultimate Warrior isn't creatively satisfying. They need more. They need to write and perform terrible songs for people to laugh at. Maybe they overestimated their talents, or perhaps they took a few too many chairshots to the head. Regardless, here are seven grapplers who picked up way more than they could body slam.

Professional wrestlers need a gimmick. Shawn Michaels was vain. The Undertaker was an undead warrior who drew mystical power from an urn. Stone Cold was a wife-beating alcoholic. John Cena, arguably the most popular wrestler in the WWE today, intimidates his opponents with freestyle rap. It's a natural fit -- becoming a champion in pro-wrestling isn't about who has the best piledriver, it's about declaring yourself the best and challenging the sexuality of your opponents. After Cena recorded his own theme song, a rap about rap called "Basic Thuganmoics," the WWE decided there would be no more pussyfooting around and it was time to produce an entire album. The Doctor of Thuganmoics named his first record after his outright lie of a slogan, "You Can't See Me." It debuted at #15 on the Billboard Chart and remains the most commercially successful album by a pro-wrestler. Whether this real-world accomplishment is more impressive than his seven world championships and two tag-team championships, we'll let you decide.

I've had enough of the drama!
No you have not. You love drama. You hate that Gossip Girl isn't a reality show.

The gym kicked my ass!
You recently started working out and want everyone to know. If you worked out more, you'd know that working out produces a greater natural high than facebook comments.

"Quote from a famous person." -Famous Person
It's possible you heard something interesting and wanted to share. More than likely you couldn't think of anything to say, but wanted people to know you still exist.

1. Get bought by someone.
2. Get filled with water and placed on top of a partially opened door so that when the next person opens it the water will spill all over their new haircut.
3. Mold wet sand into a sandcastle.
4. Have the Kings of Leon name a song after me.
5. Get thrown up into by the hot girl who drank too much at the party.
6. Serve as a makeshift drum for a down and out street performer.
7. Get stacked inside another bucket to create more free space.
8. Hold the fish used to feed the dolphins at the aquarium.
9. Meet the bucket featured in one of the drills shown in the commercial for "Tom Emanski's Instructional Baseball Videos" (endorsed by Fred McGriff).
10. Read the original "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" by Roald Dahl.
11. Meet James Caan.
12. Get made into a "bucket bass".
13. Complete one of those crazy eating challenges on that show "Man Vs. Food".
14. Spend a week in Prague.
15. Sit front row at a Buckethead concert.
16. Be a contestant on MTV's "Say What? Karaoke".
17. Know what true love feels like.
18. Inspire a movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman in the twilight of their careers.
    

Weird Al has adapted to the Internet better than any other artist from the 80's. His Chamillionaire parody "White and Nerdy" has over 50 million views on YouTube, and is currently one of the site's most popular videos of all-time. The song was his career peak, going all the way to#9 on the Billboard Hot 100 (his previous best - "Eat It" at #12 in1984). Since then he's explored digital distribution which, for the first time in his three decade career, has allowed him to parody current events and songs that are popular right now. Really, it's hard to believe Weird Al survived at all - much less thrived - before iTunes and YouTube. He recently released The Essential Weird Al collects 38 of Al's best songs into two discs.

CollegeHumor: How did you decide which were the greatest hits from your distinguished career?

Weird Al: It was tough. I've got twelve studio albums of material and I did have to leave off a lot of stuff that some fans think should have been on the essentials collection. There's some historically important ones missing. "My Bologna," isn't even on there, which was my first pseudo-hit. Even though My Bologna was historically important, it wasn't so brilliant I would consider it among my best work. So I had to weigh fan favorites with what I thought were songs that actually merited being on a best-of compilation.

CH: So you hand picked the songs yourself?

WA: I did, yeah.

CH: When you were going through your earlier albums, did you rediscover any material that you'd forgotten about?

WA: I don't think I'd actually literally forgotten about any of it but it was kinda nice to listen to some of the old tracks again that I hadn't heard in a while. It also was an opportunity to clean up a couple things. This new collection is completely remastered. It's not remixed, but we cleaned it up. I won't mention where exactly because I don't want people to obsess over it the way I did, but there were a couple songs that had a few little pops and ticks and just little things that probably most people have never heard before in their life but they'd been bugging me for 25 years.

Ever have a sh*tty job that you wanted to complain about in a weekly submission-based column named after Blink-182 lyrics? Send your submissions to worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!

I used to lifeguard at a country club. One day, an older patron came up to me and complained that the pool was "far too blue." I apologized and offered to "green it up a bit." The patron proceeded to report me to my boss, who agreed that the pool was too blue and my conduct was disrespectful. The next day, the pool was a little too brown, if you catch my drift. My boss sure caught it.
-George

I work at a gas station, so I get my share of creeps and perverts on a daily basis. One day, a 60 year old man came in and decided to tell me how his wife had just left him. He went on to tell me how beautiful I was, and how he could use a girl like me on his farm. He asked if any of my friends would be interested after I declined his invitation to "go back to his place after work for some fun".
-Michelle

I work at a family owned restaurant, one day I had question for my one of my bosses. I went down to the office and walked in on both my bosses having sex.
-Kaitlyn

Guy: So, where are you from originally?

Girl: Well I was born in Rhode Island, then I moved here in '98 when-

Mom: Oh! '98! That takes me back. You know, the first time Greg's stepfather and I made love was after we went to see Shakespeare In Love.

Guy: Mom! You're meant to be talking to the ugly one. Get in the game!

Girl: ... So, how about you? Where are you from?

Mom: Greg... Greeeeg.

Guy: What?

Mom: Why are we in a booth? Do you realize that by being in a booth, three quarters of your vision is impaired? How can we find you a wife-

Guy: Girl.

Mom: Girl, if you can't see anything. You have to think about these things to score to your full potential.