Thanksgiving is coming up, and you know what that means: it's time to break up.Whether you're a freshman who foolishly tried to keep a high school relationship going or you're a senior whose girlfriend suddenly decided she wanted to date someone "mature" and "employed," there's a pretty good chance you're getting dumped this holiday season. Just so you're not caught off guard, here are the emotional stages that you will undoubtably experience.

Immediately, you'll find yourself unable to understand why the relationship can't be salvaged. Well, for one you probably shouldn't have been "finishing up" Xbox Live for 3 hours when she came over those last few times. Whatever you do, don't set your facebook relationship status to "It's complicated". Everyone knows what that means.
Mope, mope, mope! To get the best out of your denial you'll need to torture yourself with as much solitary confinement as possible. How else can you accurately and repeatedly replay the happiest moments of your life when you had a girlfriend?

---

Eventually all those feelings you still have for your ex will gave way to pure irrational hatred. Phew! You'll be feeling resentful towards her for ever being selfish enough to dump you. I mean, what kind of bitch does that two weeks before your birthday? Bet she hadn't even thought to get you a present.
In this step, it's all about revenge. You know when her class schedule is, sneak into her room and smash stuff. Leave threatening notes. If she has any pets, killing them is a good idea. If possible, maim them instead to such an extent where she'll then have to kill them out of kindness. Double Whammy!

Going home for Thanksgiving is great. Great, that is, unless your parents moved to a different town as soon as you left for college. But that's okay! You can still enjoy all the great traditions of going home for Thanksgiving...just, in a 'not home' way.

Home	Not Home
Head to the local bar, where most of your senior class still congregates over Thanksgiving. Catch up with old friends, drink beers, and exchange looks over John Fibroni's new rattail.	Head to the local bar and fake indignation that no one remembers you from the high school you didn't actually go to. Explain how you dropped out to get a record deal with your Guns N' Roses coverband, 'Rockin' on Heaven's Door.' Get belligerent.
Catch up with an ex for a coffee and turn that coffee into naked coffee.	See a cute girl at the video store and rack your brain for a funny, charming way to ask her out for coffee. Then remember that you rode there on your bike from middle school and leave quietly.
Spend some quality time with your parents before meeting up with your buddies for your annual 'Wham Bam Thank You Yam' party.	Spend some quality time with your parents, then play board games with your parents, then watch your mom's favorite movie ('The Lakehouse') with your parents. Then, just when you thought they were going to bed, get stuck in a two hour conversation about finances with your parents.

Ever have a sh*tty job that you wanted to complain about in a weekly submission-based column named after Blink-182 lyrics? Send your submissions to worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!

I worked at a store in high school as a stocker and cashier. One day, a lady with about ten items came up to the register and I proceeded to ring her up. While I was doing this, she felt the need to tell me her life story and how the courts took her kids away. When I came to the total, she decided she didn't have enough money, and began having me remove one item at a time and retotaling it. I never found out how much money she had to spend, but eventually she worked her way down to two items: a six-pack of beer and toilet paper. She still didn't have enough....guess which one she threw out. No wonder the courts took your kids away. Enjoy your beer and lack of toilet paper.
-Travis, VMI

I'm a middle school teacher and one day in class most of the kids were picking on one student who has a mole on his cheek. The next day, his mother comes in to talk to me as she's picking her son up. The boys mother is about 5 foot 3, about 230 pounds, and has a thick moustache. When I told her I would watch out for her boy, she said thank you and told me she had been made fun of as a kid too. She said she was made fun of for being fat and hairy. As if I needed any more evidence, she pulled down her shirt to reveal a Burt Reynolds type mane of hair on her upper chest. I haven't made eye contact with her in the two months since.
-Anonymous, College of William and Mary

I used to work at a local pet shop a few years back. Lots of cute girls used to pass through since it was near a high school. As an ice breaker for the ladies, I used to have a cockatoo perched up on my shoulder. Little did I know, the little bastard crapped all over my back...it was too late before I found out. I never imagined being cockblocked by a bird.
-Rich, NY

After getting her start in hit web series like The Jeannie Tate Show and ESPN's Mayne Street (she's also appeared in a CollegeHumor video or two), Aubrey Plaza currently appears in NBC's Parks and Recreation. She recently finished shooting Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, directed by Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead). She made her feature debut this summer opposite Seth Rogen in Funny People, which comes out on DVD this week. She also wouldn't mind if you followed her on Twitter. 

In Funny People, you play a stand-up. You hadn't done stand-up before the movie, correct?

The first time I did it was in Queens. I did do it just for the film - I had met with Judd and I knew the only obstacle was that I wasn't a real stand-up. Then, when I was cast, I came out to L.A. and had to immediately start doing shows with the rest of the cast. I kind of got thrown into it, but I really liked it so I kept doing it. I'm still doing it now.

You came up through the UCB Theatre - how do you feel about the relationship between stand-up and improv?

Improv is obviously collaborative because you have support and people around you. For me, stand-up is terrifying and really, really hard and scary because it's all on you and your delivery and what you're writing and how you're saying it and everything so it's kind of unapologetic.

Stand-ups will spend hours writing and rehearsing a joke to make it sound organic, improv is always that way.

Totally. In terms of what I like, I think I like improvising more. I don't like planned things, but I like writing too. It's a good exercise for your comedy brain to write stand-up jokes and see how they work.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

"I thought we asked you to bring the cranberry sauce."

Every American knows the story of the First Thanksgiving, when the Wampanoag Indians saved the Pilgrims from starvation and the two peoples celebrated with a feast. Lesser known is the "Second Thanksgiving." Like most Holidays, there was a lot of aggression..

GOVERNOR BRADFORD: (raising a glass) ...And so I'd like to propose a toast to another feast of Thanksgiving, and to our good neighbors, the Wampanoag.

CHIEF MASSASOIT: We are happy to see you have prospered these last 12 months. In fact, we've noticed there are more of you this year. A lot more.

GOVERNOR:  Indeed, new boats from the Old World are landing every day.

CHIEF: So then you're all here to stay? Or...?

GOVERNOR: Of course! Come now, what foods have your people brought?

CHIEF: Nothing. You guys built a city where we used to grow our crops, remember?

GOVERNOR: (under his breath) I thought we weren't going to get into this at dinner.

Just because you're big, doesn't mean you have to stay that way.  Just follow these three easy steps and you'll be trim as a Freshman in no time!

My ex-girlfriend and I had been dating for about 2 years. While we were dating one of her ex-boyfriends sent her a couple of emails that we would read together and laugh. One of them was him professing his love for her and had a link to the song by Hoobastank, "The Reason." If you have ever heard the song you know how ridiculous it is. We laughed for about an hour. Six months later we break up and they start dating. They are now married. Hoobastank...really??
-Zac, Ohio University

One day after going to the gym I went to my friend's house and a girl suggested to me via text that she give me a ride home. I never had time to shower. Before she dropped me off, we were making out in her car and she started licking my neck. When she came back up to my mouth, all I could taste was the salt from my sweat. She hasn't talked to me since.
-Stuart, UT

My girlfriend and I were watching a college basketball game a few weeks ago. The announcer says "there are 2 minutes left in the first half." My girlfriend turns to me and asks "How many halves are there in a college basketball game?" She is no longer my girlfriend.
-James, PA

The summer before sophomore year of high school I had a boyfriend who I hadn't really done anything with. When it came time for us to kiss, he leaned in and literally sucked the skin around my mouth and stuck his tongue down my throat for minutes on end. Again and again. I went home at 7:30 because I "don't want to wake my parents up".
-Luisa

Sometimes the employees of a company are so consistent in the way they perform a certain task, it seems that's how they must have been trained.  Here, without naming names, are these companies' employee manuals...probably.