Dr. Percy Titford, University of Oxford

"Belief in God is not a matter of blind faith. God has given to humanity the gift of reason, a tool which we can use to prove the existence of the Almighty rationally and logically. I am confident, Mr. Muldoon, that even a man of your steadfast convictions can be convinced.

First, without God, objective moral values could not exist. Surely a man of your intelligence cannot deny the existence of objective moral values. The Holocaust was wrong, whether or not the Nazis thought they were doing the right thing. The argument can be expressed with a simple modus tollens argument:

1. If God does not exist, objective moral values do not exist.

2. Objective moral values do exist.

3. Therefore, God exists.

This is not to say that one must believe in God in order to know objective moral values, but the existence of God is necessary for them to exist."

Robert Muldoon, Dino Wrangler

"SHOOT HER! SHOOOOOOOOOOT HEEEEEEERRRR!"

Some of you... ok most of you may not want to admit it, but when it comes to men, you're completely clueless.  I'll tell you one thing however; the first step to figuring us out is by figuring out how our bodies work.  I'll start with the basics:

Sounds complicated doesn't it? Well guess what ladies? It's not. Let me put it for you in a way you can understand. The penis is much like a cute little puppy.

Just pet him, and he'll be happy. 

No, seriously, just touch it. Please? C'mon, it won't be that bad. No one will call you a slut, I promise. Please just touch it. Seriously, I'll give you $5. All you have to do is touch it for 30 seconds. No? Are you sure? Fine, I'll be in the shower. Yes, AGAIN!

I'm not talking about the mural-sized testaments to Scarface your testosterone-deprived roommate uses to let the world know he's never been laid. I'm talking about the raving cunts that have inevitably made their way to CH and are trying to ruin the comment feature. It's impossible to go through comments on any picture or video without reading posts from the guy whose cock is so short, he must piss on his own balls.  They achieve their asshole goals of trying to ruin everything through varying methods of douchedom.

First, the insulter (a true BDIU)

Most often coming out when girls have their picture posted, a truly selfless act, the nay-sayer will typically comment  "Ugly.", "Trashy.", or "wtf is that, oh wait its your face." It doesn't bother them that they are only confirming our suspicions that the Douche Bag Poster has a steady, on-going relationship with Miss Michigan. But much worse, by sending a message that they'll feel bad, the commenter only deters other girls from posting themselves. They should not get in the way of hot, totally insecure totally do-able girls from posting themselves up. Not to mention the comment probably has created an insurmountable cock-block for the guys who spend time with these girls, or were the ones who stole the pictures in the first place. These crimes against humanity are also based on lie, as everyone knows this asshole would take less time than a bullet leaving the gun in deciding whether or not to stick it to any of the girls he spews shit about, something he knows he'll never get the chance of doing. In a heartbeat, we all know you would piledrive her upside down while giving a reach-around to a camel if thats what she wanted. Douche bag poster, all you're really trying to do is feel better about yourself after you accidentally came at the part of the porno where the dude's face or shaft came up (something I am almost sure you secretly enjoy).  Looking at you "Scott" and "Tom"

Second, there's this guy.

Being the first to comment "photoshop" or  "first comment" on something doesn't make you suck any less at life. It wasn't even funny or cool the first time, and now at the billionth, its become a psychotic fucking hatred. Get out of your parent's basement and sprint into oncoming traffic.

Third, jealous girl

Sadly, not every girl can be a hero like Sarah Schneider (nicccce). Some choose instead to be like the first asshole who attacks girls getting posted on CH. They do this by either calling them fat, slutty or ugly. When a girl has a hot tattoo on her lower back, it should not be referred to as a "tramp stamp", but rightfully as a  "bullseye". But much like the sorostitute you despearately wish you could be (sororities have standards....), you will go off and attack even the slightest imperfection of another girl. I'm glad engineers have finally designed a keyboard you could use with your sausage-like fingers, but you should get your fat ass up (I'm sure that you've squeezed into way too of tight clothes you got off a skinny-girl that you ate) and waddle off a cliff. Pig.

*Note, if your name is Katie Marino and you're amazingly hilarious commenting on other girls is allowed. Seriously, I have yet to see a better use of Christmas Lights.

Of course, there are other waste-of-life commenters that have been left out (mainly downers), "Graham" seriously please kill yourself. But I'm sure you know them already.