-Congratulations, Class of 2009, you've just received your college degrees! If I were you, by now I'd be sick of everyone telling me how this is the worst job market in a generation and that my graduation is coinciding with near-certain apocalypse. I feel your pain, though, having graduated in 2001 during the dot.com collapse. When I got back from spring break in Acapulco my senior year, I had a voicemail informing me that the division of the company where I had lined up a full-time job no longer existed. Not the kind of news you want to hear when you're hungover and sunburned. But fret not, my young apprentices, it's not all bad. In my annual address to the nation's graduates, I'd like to present you with some reasons why you'll fare better in the real world than you think. Or at least fare better than your gloomy douchebag commencement speaker thinks.
-A recent article in Time Magazine stated that half of all college students have four or more credit cards. Four or more? That's fucking ridiculous. I'm twenty-nine and have one credit card. Why? Well, I simply did the research and calculated that it would be most beneficial if I accumulated all of my rewards points in one account. Actually, that's not true; I just really hate carrying a thick wallet. OK, that's not completely true, either. I also got burned so many times with free t-shirts that were XXXL and promotional towels as thin as paper that I finally stopped accepting all the credit card offers that were foisted my way. College kids be damned, I'm comfortable with my decision. Packing a single Amex (alongside a near-useless debit card), I stride confidently cashless through malls and bars. Call me crazy or, more accurately, call me Plastic Man.
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