What Movies Teach Me
What 'Home Alone 2: Lost in New York' Taught Me
by Jake Klocksien March 25, 2008
- People who are arrested for breaking and entering & attempted murder are put in a magical jail cell where they are easily able to break out in two years, just in time for a sequel.
- "The Sticky Bandits" would make a great band name.
- It was highly plausible to accidentally get on an airplane traveling to New York City pre-9/11.
- You can survive in New York City with nothing but a Talkboy and a Polaroid camera.
- Being attacked with countless paint cans, having your skull lit on fire, and being shot in the face close range with a staple gun will never reduce any attempted acts of aggression against innocent children.
- Four bricks thrown from the top of a two-story building will simply leave a red mark on your forehead.
- In the end, it pays off to befriend a crazy person that you met in Central Park.
- It is possible to have a $967 room service bill consisting of only ice cream purchases.
- Catherine O'Hara and John Heard are silly and forgetful.
- Catherine O'Hara and John Heard are also horribly inadequate parents.
Screw water levels
by Alex Robertson March 04, 2008I rediscovered my SNES recently. In the past week, I have conquered such classics as Super Mario World, Donkey Kong Country, and Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest. Platform gaming at it's best, right?
WRONG.
Not that I'm putting these games down completely. They are classic games that I love and cherish, but they all have one fatal flaw:
They all contain water levels.
Water levels are the cruel joke that game designers play on their unsuspecting customers. They are annoying, difficult, and completely break the flow of the game. Take, for example, Donkey Kong Country. You're all up in the jungle jumping around, having a fucking blast. You finish a level and you think: "Hell yeah! I hope the next level is just as fun!" But no. It's a goddamn water level. No jumping. No running. No fun. Just complete concentration.
Bad Cinematic Bands
by Patrick Cassels March 03, 2008Even the movies have their share of crappy rock groups.
The Pinheads, Back to the Future
Before he drove a plutonium-powered sports car into the 1950s (and eventually into therapy over his teenage mother's seduction of him), orange-vested time traveler Marty McFly was your typical 1980s California youth: playing sub-standard Huey Lewis covers as the lead guitarist of a rock band, The Pinheads. Rather than writing their own songs, the Pinheads choose to awkwardly inject existing hits with Van Halen-esque guitar solos while violently kicking over amplifiers. McFly introduces these sounds to 1955 with a Halen-like tribute to "Johnny B. Goode," making him essentially responsible for the eventual rise of glam metal.
The Mario Kart In You
by Luke February 21, 2008The only thing that feels better then a solid game of Mario Kart is crack. Or maybe playing Mario Kart on crack, that be sweet too. But next time you and your friends play watch carefully which characters your friends choose, becuase believe it or not which character each person chooses says a lot about their personality...
Personality Select
Mario - You're predictable and meek. You picked Mario because the game is called "Mario Kart" and the only reason you're playing it is so you can talk about how awesome it is to play it. And you're right it is awesome put it's called "playing for love of the game" not "playing so you can attempt to fit in". Shame on you for tinting Mario's good name, put the controller down and never touch it again.
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