Ever since the once highly secret and over-hyped "Segway: Human Transport" disappointed everyone and their mother (well, unless you're talking about the thousands of people with multiple sclerosis, but why would you even bring that up, for shock value?), I've been convinced I could invent better things than real scientists. After hours of hard drinking and a little thinking, I finally did it. I present to you - a list of inventions that will literally rock your fucking socks off.

1) First up, we have - the third polo layer. Because let's face it, sometimes popping two collars at a time is popping one collar too few. Plus, how else are frat boys supposed to survive the harsh winter months? When I get back to school, everyone better be hitting this up.

2) OK, that first one might have only appealed to a select crowd, but this next one is for the people. Have you ever been walking down the beach and came across an, ahem, overweight female wearing what most people would consider too little? Of course you have. Well, that's no longer a problem. Introducing - "the thing to make fat chicks not wear bikinis." OK, maybe it needs a new name, but nevertheless, it's amazing. The process is so simple too: 1) find a fat girl wearing a two piece. 2) walk over to said fat girl. 3) without saying anything, give two big thumbs up and an overly-enthusiastic-yet-fake smile (smile is crucial). 4) still without saying anything, walk away. 5) high five your friends for being a total douchebag. Why? Because everyone loves assholes.

3) Now, not all inventions need to be inventions at all. For instance, I think it's time for Pogs to stage a come back. The Pog phenomenon hit it's height in mid 1995, only to be completely over by, well, slightly later in mid 1995. In case you don't remember, you gathered cardboard to trade with your friends and fight over with your enemies. Some people still do this - they're called homeless people. There was some game involved too, but nobody who ever played that can be taken seriously. Err, on second thought, it's not really time for them to come back, ever, never mind.

4) Some things have already been invented, but suck. A few of these can be saved though. Two words - Tye Dye. Two more words - Just Kidding! What were the 60s and my third grade elementary school class thinking? Those were embarrassing times - even worse than when I puked and passed out in Econ. The worst part about it was that it wasn't even my class. Actually, the worst part was that it was the professor's very last lecture at the University of Virginia. Actually, now that I think about it, the whole thing was pretty frickin' awesome.

5) Another terrible invention was the mood ring. I think this one has hope though. But instead of having just a mood "ring," why not go all out and have mood "bling?" Now, I'm not a rapper nor am I friends with one since the closest I've ever been to being black was the time I visited the albino daycare center after the worst sharpie-related shaming of my life, so I really have no idea what I'm talking about. But in my mind, the only thing that could possibly be cooler than stupid amounts of fake platinum and diamond is stupid amounts of fake platinum and diamond that change colors based on the amount of moisture on your skin. Also consider "mood spinners," because let's face it, it's possible to be even more of a joke when you're out pimping your set of wheels.

7) Get this one - a device that goes over a list and makes sure you didn't accidentally skip a number on purpose.

8) The next one is probably the best idea here, no, the best ever: weekly holidays! Because man, the only thing better than working is not working. Here are some good ones to start with: 1) "Valentines Day 2: The Return of Cupid," 2) "Eve of Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve," 3) "Confusing Jesus-Related Holiday that Nobody Really Understands, But Whatever, There's Free Candy Involved," 4) "Didn't I Just Work Yesterday? Day", 5) "Unnecessarily Long Day Names Day," and who could possibly live without 6) "National Feed Hallmark Worker's Families During the Summer Months Day?"

9) Sometimes the best inventions come from taking two seemingly unrelated objects and slamming them together, and no, I'm not talking about Ashton Kutcher's love child with Demi Moore. Hmm, are they still together? Wow, that was an old reference. Anyway, everybody loves tape. Everybody loves staplers. Why not make.. Taplers? They work more or less like staplers, but are less useful and slightly shorter to type, although more awkward to say (go ahead, try it out). No? You think that's retarded? Psh, it's not my job to fucking impress you anyway.

10) Yeah, I don't have any more ideas, I just didn't want to end my list at 9. I mean - who does that? Not anyone I'm friends with, so that pretty much just leaves vegetarians and poor people. So have a great day as long as you eat meat and own a polo. Love forever and a day, your pal, Brad.

Matt has a new issue of "Ah, College" out called "Fraternities make strange bedfellows." So check that out as well as Neil's new column. We think you'll enjoy both. Or at least one? Maybe?

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