Andrew Porter's Articles

Dear Collegehumor Staff,

I realize I haven't sent in any material for the past few months, and for that I am truly sorry. However, it's not like I don't have an excuse. Far from it! I would never leave you without a good reason. Hell, you gave me a free t-shirt. That means something.

At the moment, I am raising pigmy goats in Alaska. It's a great life filled with friendly people and beautiful land. I guess my biggest claim-to-fame was raising "The Smallest Goat in all of Matanuska-Susitna Borough."� His name is Rodney, and he suffers from an awful night terrors problem.

Cradling little Rodney in my arms during one of his episodes takes a lot of energy and blankets, but that doesn't mean I've given up on my writing. Oh Heavens no! In fact, I've become the Head Editor of "The Quarter-Monthly Pica Ninny Gazette."� We have three very talented writers on our staff. Maybe you know them: Hutjik Wakuni (Weather), Nnjou Loutga (Human Interests), and Jared Liebman (Finance).

It's not all just goats and writing. I also have to practice smiling. You see, my Inuit wife got stabbed through the ribcage by a narwhale on our honeymoon. It was the worst sex I've ever had.

My therapist says that if I don't come out of my funk, electroshock therapy will be the only answer. I told her that Zoloft would be a good idea. She just says I'm crazy and I need more blubber in my system.

I never knew there were so many uses for blubber: blubber oil, blubber meat, blubber key chains, blubber stationary, blubber sombreros. To tell you the truth, I'm getting sick of all this blubber. Don't get me wrong, it's always done me right, but I just feel like... I dunno'. I'm just talking crazy talk.

Uh oh, Rodney's having another convulsion. This is when I have to get out the "Love Hammer"� to knock him on top of the head a bit. Basically, it's just a metal working hammer I wrapped with a little cloth. It seems to do the job, I just can't hit too hard because that's illegal.

There he's better now. If I put on some Phil Collins he seems to calm down a bit. Where was I? Oh yeah, the fact that I haven't eaten for days. My pantry ran out about a week ago, and the neighbors won't give me any food on account that I'm a "newbie."�

They said, "You should have thought about food before you came up here. What did you think was gonna' happen? What did you bring with you?"�

I looked in the pantry and was like, "Uh... I got some peanut butter for my protein and lipids... some Dunkaroos, because I didn't know they still made them and I got really excited when I saw them... saltines for my soup... no soup, "˜cause I forgot it..."� Pretty much, I think I'm gonna' die.

Well, the sun is setting behind the snow drenched mountains, casting a down a pale, blue light onto the icy tundra that is my home. The goats are making their noise and a frigid wind has broken out, churning up any loose snow into the crisp, clean air. It's time for me to piss on the goat fence to keep the wolves away.

Keep on truckin' America,
Andrew Porter