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People are always saying "war is not the answer."� Which sounds smart and makes a great bumper sticker, but doesn't that statement really depend on what the question is? Say for instance the question is "what's it called when 2 countries fight each other with armies?"� then the answer actually is war. Or what about if someone asks "what was World War 2?"� Or "What is the dumbest casino game?"� Again, war really is the best answer for those 2 quality questions as well. So now I know you are sitting there thinking that obviously war is always the answer. But unfortunately it is not that simple. You see there are many times that war is not even close to the answer. With real life questions like "What do you want for lunch?"� "Can I borrow your homework?"� or "Do you think Mariah Carey is a robot?"� There are many times when people will look at you like a complete and total retard if you just shout out war as your answer to their question. So what percentage of the time is war a legitimate answer? Well if you are a democrat, then it is he correct answer .003% of the time. If you are a republican, then it is the correct answer 6% of the time. And if you are a terrorist, then you can really answer any question with it, but you may want to call it Gihad or your friends will shoot you. I hope this helps in answering all of the war and non-war related questions in your life.

Do not order from an Italian restaurant run by Arminians Nothing against Arminians, it's just that Italian food doesn't seem to be their forte. The food will show up an hour late, the soup will be cold, and the pasta will taste like mom used to make. That is if your mom used to put too much pepper on Chef Boyardee. You should not have taken Trent Green in fantasy football Anyone else see the clip of his head hitting the ground in slow motion? The clip looks like it's going really slow until his neck whips at about 80 miles per hour like it was a slinky and his head rockets into the ground. If he's your starting QB, then you are very very dumb. Brian Urlacher would make an excellent High School Football Player The new Nike ad shows Michael Vick, Ladanian Tomlinson, Urlacher, and Troy Polumalu all playing for the same high school team. Of course when crunch time hits, coach Shula has LT, not Michael Vick throw the key pass. No wonder he's such a good coach. John Madden still has not found a weed wacker big enough to cut his eyebrows And what color are they anyway? It's like brown and orange had a hideous hairy child and glued it to Madden's forehead. I put the over/under at six games before Al Michaels snaps and tells the makeup lady to cut them. I couldn't work next to those things either.

In his prime, Jesus could walk on water, turn water to wine (he was good with water tricks), and disappear from caves about as well as anyone. As far as saviors go, he was one of the best. But it's 2006 now and Jesus is a lot older now. You see, most prophets peak between age 25 and 50. He is now a tad over 2000 years old. He no longer has his thin physique or thick brown beard. He probably looks more like Santa Claus or possibly Dick Clark if he's kept up with styles. Look, I hate to be the one to bring it up, but these facts beg the question "does Jesus still have it?"� By the time you are done reading this, I'm sure my inbox is full of Christians writing angry emails about how he'll always have it. But I ask you, did Michael Jordan still have it when he came back to the Wizards? Did Marlon Brando still have it when he did that stupid heist movie with Edward Norton? Or did Yoda still have it when he lived on that swampy dump of a planet? And they were all still very good! Yoda could lift airplanes with his mind, Jordan could lift the level of his teammates play, and Marlon Brando could lift a sandwich like he was gonna hump it as convincingly as any actor ever could. But none of them were what they were in their prime. Now in today's world, 25% of the world's population (Christians) believes that Jesus will return one day, rock like the old days, and fix things up all swell for him and his followers. But that's a lot of God damn (pardon me) pressure! Would you want the pressure of one fourth of the world expecting you to fix every problem on earth? What if he David Blaine's it and bails out of his staying underwater for 9 minutes trick? What if he accidentally turns Ed Bradley into a fish while doing sixty minutes or falls in a pool at Paris Hilton's birthday party? He would embarrass not only himself but an awful lot of Christians who've been shouting about his big comeback for years. That would be disaster! Pretty soon Tony Kornheiser will start arguing on PTI that Jesus wouldn't be a top 10 cover corner in the NFL. Christian churches would start saying that Peter was really the brains behind the whole calendar resetting and bible writing and that he's the man. So I will ask a tough question: Are we sure we want him to come back? If he never comes back then we will all remember him as the man. We'll all continue to strive to be like him. We'll continue to ask "What would Jesus do?"� and pretend to know the answer. (In most situations I think he'd turn a bunch of water into wine and through a huge party.) Sometimes things are better left in memory. Jesus Christ has done a lot for society as a symbol. He helps us through our lives, makes an excellent exclamation when something surprising happens, makes jewelry that is always fashionable, and carries us on the beach in tough times. Maybe it's time we paid him back by not being so demanding. He's no spring chicken anymore, so why don't we just let him enjoy retirement in peace. Check out more of scot's writing at scotrichardson.com