CollegeHumor Updates by Alex Branson

A Night Out With Alchohol

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Beer: JESUS CHRIST, where the FUCK you guys BEEN?
Gin: Vodka and Whiskey are yelling at something. Rum is making out with somebody. I don’t even know where Tequila is.

Tequila enters

Tequila: I am not afraid of you or the FUCKING POLICE. I HATE YOU.

Gin: Hey Tequila, this place is great, you having a good time?

Tequila: I LOVE YOU GIN. YOU ARE THE BEST. I just want to find some bitches and get my bone on, ALL FREAKY-NAUGHTY like.

Beer: Ha, yes! Let’s play some games or some shit! Let’s throw rocks at that one fag’s house! Let’s fucking go to or eat god damn what time is it I got to wake up early for court tomorrow but they can’t prove shit I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THEM PROVE SHIT REALLY I WOULD I WOULD BE IMPRESSED.

Vodka enters

Vodka: WELL IF IT ISN’T THE FAG SQUAD. I went from zero to drunk in an hour flat, I think I broke a record I should get a trophy or SOME STRAIGHT DOME REAL QUICK COME ON WHO WANTS TO FUCK THE SENSITIVE GUY?

Gin: You aren’t sensitive.

Vodka: MY BALLS ARE.

Tequila: Holy shit I’m just LIVID right now I have to go hit on some women WAY OUT OF LEAGUE.

Vodka: God DAMNIT I have to go find some women and immediately LOWER THEIR SELF ESTEEM.

Vodka and Tequila leave. Rum enters.

Rum: I think I just fucked someone.

Beer: GOD DAMNIT EVERYONE’S FUCKING BUT ME this is bullshit man I’m hell of sleepy right now I’m going to go sleep on the kitchen counter

Gin: Right now that makes perfect sense to me

Beer exits.

Rum: (Closes eyes and giggles for 30 seconds)

Gin: Man I have to call some old girlfriends well not technically girlfriends but I did meet them once. Right now this makes sense to me

Whiskey enters

Whiskey: Wouldn’t it be cool if…. We all wore hats?

Rum: I really WISH that did happen

Whiskey: Screw you, Rum! FUCK YOU.

Rum: Oh dang man now I have to go. I got to find Laura again.

Rum exits. In the background, you hear “my name isn’t Laura, you ass”

Gin: JANET. I would like to tell you that there are special things. You are a special thing. I know I told you I had to go to but I lied – Hello?

Whiskey leaves to find Beer. Beer is asleep wearing a colander as a helmet and the words BOOBLESS typed upside-down on a calculator next to him.

Whiskey: Damn Beer. YOU IN BAD SHAPE.

Beer: Wha… what. Hey, do you remember listening to the 2 Live Krew as a kid? Do you remember their cusses? Those cusses were the best, dog!

Whiskey: I NEED TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY PROBLEMS.

Beer: Oh no man we ain’t doing this.

Whiskey: SARAH WAS A WHORE MAN I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT. I NEED TO DROWN MY SORROWS.

Beer: You can’t drown sorrows man they hella good swimmers.

Whiskey: Dang man we need to EGG her house and BREAK SOME WINDOWS AND SHIT. LIGHT A CROSS ON FIRE, I HATE PUERTO RICANS.

Beer: HELL YEAH, WE DOING THIS. GET IN THE CAR.

They jump into the car and peel out, scraping another as they leave. All that is heard is Beer pounding triumphantly on his chest, screaming “I AM A HOMEBOY”.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:27441/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Thursday, Mar 1 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:27441/ts:33">Alex Branson</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1144/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 13 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Romance Novels for Frat Guys

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I barely noticed her as she walked into the room, being completely engrossed in working on my car. She was nude, coated in a thin layer of weight gain powder as she called my name. I, of course, did not remember hers (all women are whores). I put down the wrench and stopped working on my Mustang (1-60 in 4 seconds, yeah, not a big deal) as I looked towards her. "Now THAT'S what I'M TALKING ABOUT!" I yelled as I took off my slightly tilted hat and put down my natty.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:27441/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Feb 26 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:27441/ts:33">Alex Branson</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1144/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Massacre: A Poem

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 15:00:00 EST

50 Cent bit his lip as he hoisted his sword
Preparing for the advancing, awful horde
Comprised of vicious beasts, orcs and trolls
Ogres, dragons, rats, and even gnolls
No fear in his eyes, just gangsta beats
Mithril armor around gangsta feets

The 36 Chambers, he had to defend
Even if dragonskin armor he must rend
He reached for the blade, the Sword of Sages
A magnificent blade for all of the ages
Fifty Cent, New York, represent
Fake buster-ass orcs need not repent

No reinforcements for him were now in sight
Lloyd Banks was resting in Jersey tonight
Young Buck was taming Unicorns in the east
Eminem was a day’s ride away, at least
An unexpected ally, that’s what he would need
His magics burned through orcskin, no easy deed

Suddenly, there was something, a familiar sound
Hyphy beats dropping quickly, flambosting around
50 Cent smiled and said, “There is hope today,”
”Came to my relief, Ghost Riders from the Bay.”
General E-40 cast lightning; it cracked with a pow
Ghost Riders scraped through as 40 yelled “Tadow!”

The beasts were beaten, 50 was badly injured
Obvious to him that this army was conjured
What powerful wizard could these beasts persuade
What ridiculous beats could he have made?
His mind rang, these answers he was not hearing
As the Warlock Nas appeared now in the clearing

Think you can write a better poem than this one? Post it and send the link to CHPoetryCorner@gmail.com. Each week we'll pick one poem to be featured in this spot. Put quill to scroll and get writing!

Check out past poems here.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:27441/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Feb 5 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:27441/ts:33">Alex Branson</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1144/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 12 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

I'm Awkward

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> You ever have awkward moments with women? Have you ever looked at a beautiful woman , then she sees you look at her, and then you quickly look to the ground? And then she screams as you run out of the women's bathroom?

Me neither.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:27441/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Jan 17 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:27441/ts:33">Alex Branson</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1144/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

You Will Hate Your Roommate

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> It's best to just come right out and say it. Either from too much World of Warcraft, pot, beer or blow your old roommate's left on gone for greener (Community College) pastures. So guess what? They are sending a new guy. And regardless of who you are, who he is, or what social skills (or lack thereof) you have, one thing will be certain; you will hate him. Oh, and also he will masterbate everytime you leave the room. Trust me, it's just a gut feeling. Well, it's either a feeling or I have diarhhea. It's definately rumbling down there. Either, way we are going to have a good time, right? If there is one thing I'm good at, it is stereotyping groups of people. If there are two things I'm good at, it's that and writing reviews of hardcore pornography on amazon.com! I've been called the Gene Siskel of fisting pornography!

MEET YOUR ROOMMATE

JAPAN IS A GREAT CULTURE, MOSTLY BECAUSE ASIAN CHICKS GIVE ME BONERS

    Hey, I'm Glen, you're new roommate. Ugh, I don't know why I even bother going here with the rest of these sheeple. Japan is such a superior culture in every sense of the word. Here, let me put up faggy looking wall scrolls all over the room so every woman you ever bring in here will be thumbing a can of mace the entire time. Do you want to watch Dragonball Z? Heh, why do I even bother asking. Of course you do. I have to go out for a wild night of dry-humping fat chicks with back acne until I come home to go to bed at 10 o'clock. And don't you even think of touching my mangas unless you dare to cross my HANZO STEEL.

ABE-BROHAM LINCOLN/ BROSEF STALIN/ BROSEF OF ARAMATHEA
    Hey dude, what's up. Name's Ted. My parents wouldn't let me move into the frat because of my grades so I got to spend another shitty semester in the dorms. Don't worry man, I won't be here much, I got frat shit to deal with. Uh, those? That rophynol shit is just a joke. Don't worry man, I'm going home for the weekend. Wait, what? You're little sister is coming to visit? About going home, I think something just came up. My dick.

RIPPED MCLARGEHUGE
    Hey, how are you doing? My name is Ben. Dude, you seem like a real cool dude and all, but I got a problem. We are going to have to move your bed in the hall so I can fit in my bowflex. I got to train hard man, my dad told me if I didn't make walkon he would swing a two by four with a nail in it into my kneecap and cut off one of my fingers, just like when he lost one in Vietnam. Sometimes when you walk into the room you will hear me abruptly stop crying and if you ask me about it I will somehow insinuate that you are gay. Cause man, you totally are.

SIR REGINALD BYRON, LORD OF PLUS 2 SWORDS AND LONELINESS
    Good day, roommate. Could you please help me move in my high-end gaming computer with liquid cooling. Haha, it's okay to be impressed. You better get used to this, I'll be staying up until 5 o'clock in the morning everyday yelling at the fictional people on my computer. I'll only take breaks to post witty comments on obscure fantasy forums you have never heard of and to watch Lord of the Rings, saying all the lines and doing all the moves with them. I tell you, if I was born in Middle-Earth, I would totally be like Aragorn. Well, if Aragorn had an overbearing mother and enough acne to make even a natural 20 dice roll fail a persuasion check! ROFLAMFIO! So what are you guys doing later? Can I come?

I WILL NEVER SAY A WORD TO YOU. EVER.
    You will never here me so much as utter a word. I do not laugh or smile. If you hear breathing over your head in the middle of the night, it is I. Do not worry, I have only come to reap your soul. I will require thousands of spirits in order to fuel my dark order. I do not see you as a friend. I barely see you as a human being. I am neither annoyed or subtlely charmed when you stammer home drunk at 5 in the morning. In the middle of the night, I will start masterbating so furiously that it sounds like a fleet of helicopters landing.

I'll talk to your sister though. I'll ask her her favorite bands. You think that will work?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:27441/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Jan 10 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:27441/ts:33">Alex Branson</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1144/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />