Every January First, each of the last 50 years, as well as the next 10 years, gather to celebrate and give a proper send off to the year that was. The time is 11:40, and the party is in full swing. 1959 is on the balcony, warding off cancer and other minor diseases by enjoying a smooth Pall Mall. Just as he does every year, 1969 is rocking an Iggy Pop and The Stooges T-shirt while hitting on every chick he sees by reminding them about the moon landing, but eventually striking out because he looks like Charles Manson. The '70s are all blowing massive quantities of blow, except for 1973, who's late because he ran out of gas. He'll show up later with the Chinese years. 1984 is sitting by himself in a corner, staring at everyone and creeping them out. 2012 keeps pissing everyone off by handing out fliers predicting the end of the world and his movie's opening weekend box office numbers. 1999 is still in a bunker, hoping to survive lame Y2K jokes. The DJ hasn't played anything but Dylan. No one seems to mind. The party is great until things suddenly get awkward when 2009, drunk off his ass, finally decides to confront 2008.

2009: Hey 2008, can I talk to you for a second?
2008: Sure, what's up.
2009: Dude, seriously, all I wanna say is, what the hell?
2008: What's wrong?
2009: What's wrong?! You're pretty much the biggest year ever, that's what's wrong! How can I possibly follow you?
2008: Oh come on, I wasn't that huge.
2009: Are you kidding?! You had everything! A huge economic crisis, a record shattering Olympics, the biggest election of our lifetime, The best Super Bowl ever, one of the biggest movies ever, you got Lil Wayne to release an actual album, and then, as if you didn't have enough going on, you get an Israeli-Palestinian conflict! Plus 2007's still upset about you upgrading his iPhone. Not cool. Not cool at all.
2008: So I was a big year, what can I say?
2009: Chinese Democracy for chrissake! Chinese Democracy! There was supposed to be legitimate democracy in China before Chinese Democracy, but you just had to have it.
2008: Relax 2009, you'll have tons of great stuff.
2009: Like what?
2008: The start of the Obama Administration, so you know there's going to be an international crisis, the Arrested Development movie, Watchmen will be huge! Don't worry, it'll be OK.
2009: Please, don't patronize me, Mitchel Hurwitz hasn't even started writing the Arrested Development movie, Watchmen's release date is in a legal battle now, and the only Obama news anyone will care about is the recession.
2008: Well I don't know what to tell you.
2009: Apologize for clock-blocking everyone.

Don't be hating on me, but sometimes at work I end up with too much time on my hands. My mind begins to wander, first to things like money and sex, then to things like bigfoot and aliens, which quickly progresses to bigfoot sex and alien hookers...but today I drank an AMP...so when my brain struck a vein of thought...it went haywire, and this was the product.

At some point in the 90's, the word "dude" became a ubiquitous signifier of masculine cool. And then it was quickly adopted by cool women. Nowadays, only forty-five year old branding consultants in San Diego with ponytails still refer to each other as dude. The word dude has not been uttered on a college campus in at least five years. It has been replaced by something new, and far more insidious: "bro."

Step onto any state college campus, and you'll be greeted with a cacophony of "bros." What does it all mean? The word is robust and has numerous meanings. Among the most well-known:

THE CONDESCENDING BRO
This can be effectively used as a stand-alone ("bro!") or at the end of a sentence. It is used to chastise other males for behavior that the group considers collectively uncool, such as clogging the frat house toilet, hitting on another bro's girlfriend, and so forth.

Hippie:
“You know, man, it’s like everyone thinks they KNOW me just because I have these gnarly dreads, but I’m not your typical ‘hippie’ guy, ya know? I’m an individual. Sure, I play the bongo drums, but I’ve never even been to a Phish show—at least not since they broke up. Everybody comes up to me and asks me if I want to smoke weed like I’m some sort of pothead. Yeah, I smoke pot a few times a day, but I'm not really a stoner or anything.”



Fat Frat Guy:

“GO STATE! I’ve got more school spirit than anyone in here and I’m standing next to the f*cking school mascot, so that's saying something. I used to play starting tackle on my high school's football team, state champs back to back. Every time I go home all my old friends say, “Wow, man, you’ve let yourself go.” They just don’t get that when you’re a Pi Kapp it’s almost impossible to stay in shape. I mean, it’s party tonight, party tomorrow night, and a sensible dinner. I’d get sick of it if I didn't like getting hammered and punching people in the face so much. GO STATE!”