Coach Bill Belichick discusses a new game plan with offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels after Tom Brady's season-ending injury.

Belichick: How's Brady look?
McDaniels: Pretty bad.
Belichick: Do we need to resort to an emergency plan?
McDaniels: We might have to.
Belichick: Is amputating his leg and replacing it with a machine gun a possibility?
McDaniels: That was a movie.
Belichick: What about that football launcher they use during practice?
McDaniels: What about it?
Belichick: Does it look anything like Brady?
McDaniels: No.
Belichick: Dammit. What about Bo Jackson, is he still around?
McDaniels: I believe so.
Belichick: Sign Bo and cut the rest of the team.
McDaniels: Um.. sir...
Belichick: Wait... who is that famous girls softball player?
McDaniels: Jennie Finch?
Belichick: Is she available?
McDaniels: I don't think pitching translates very well in football.
Belichick: I said nothing about football.
McDaniels: I'll look into it.
Belichick: And while your at it see if you can figure out if Brady has a son.
McDaniels: He does, but he's only 13 months old.
Belichick: How often is he breastfed?
McDaniels: Sir... I think we should stick to using our second-string quarterback.
Belichick: Excuse me?
McDaniels: Matt Cassel.
Belichick: How 'bout you finish up cutting those sleeves off my sweatshirts then get the hell out of my office.

More Awesome at Fatawesome.

7/15/08

Jason Regier	Neck	Probable
Scott Hogsett	Neck	Probable
Norm Lyduch	Neck	Probable
Andy Cohn	Neck	Probable
Will Groulx	Neck	Probable
Bryan Kirkland	Neck	Probable
Seth McBride	Neck	Probable
Nick Springer	Neck	Probable
Chance Sumner	Neck	Probable
Mark Zupan	Neck	Probable

After waiting for a few minutes, Michael Kingston is greeted by his primary care physician.

Dr. Norton: Mr. Kingston, how are we today?
Mr. Kingston: Oh hey doc, not too bad, but the throat's been sore for a few days now.
Dr. Norton: Sorry to hear that. I've heard there's a flu going around, that might be it. Why don't we take a look then.
Mr. Kingston: Okay.
Dr. Norton: Yep, throat's pretty swollen and red.
Mr. Kingston: I figured as much.
Dr. Norton: Okay, let's check everything else out.

Norton gives a thorough examination of the ears, eyes, and throat glands.!slice

Dr. Norton: Okay Mr. Kingston, now I'm going to need you to drop your pants for me.
Mr. Kingston: Really?
Dr. Norton: It's standard procedure for a proper examination, Mr. Kingston. And this isn't the first time I've had you do this for me before.
Mr. Kingston: I know, I'm just a little uncomfortable.
Dr. Norton: Everything will be fine, I'm a professional. I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about.

Mr.Kingston drops his pants and coughs as the doctor examines him.

Dr. Norton: Okay all set, now that wasn't so hard, right?
Mr. Kingston: I guess not, sorry for putting up such a stink.
Dr. Norton: It's no problem. Now, here's a prescription for some medication that should help with the swelling, and I'm going to recommend that you drink plenty of fluids and get plenty of rest and you should be fine in a couple of days. If the problems continue, call the office.
Mr. Kingston: Thank you I'll do that.
Dr. Norton: You have a nice day.
Mr. Kingston: You too.
Dr. Norton: By the way, try the babyback ribs, they're phenomenal.
Waitress: He's right, and tonight's 3 dollar pitcher night. Can I start you off with some appetizers?

"I don't believe in free speech."
"Shut up about that."
"Ok."

wtf dude. get ur own thing

As the name behind Saturday Night Live's short-but-hilarious "Deep Thoughts," writer Jack Handey has become synonymous with the art of the bizarre one liner. Since leaving SNL (where he also wrote several memorable sketches, including "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer") in 2002, Handey has contributed humorous essays to The New Yorker, and in April, published What I'd Say to the Martians and Other Veiled Threats, a collection of his writing. Below, he talks with CollegeHumor about comedy and car-driving felines.

What I'd Say To The Martians includes both essays and Saturday Night Live scripts. Are either of these formats more difficult than the other?
Both are hard. To me, the best humor pieces are written from the point of view of a specific character. So when you're thinking of ideas, you think about what your character would be interested in, what he could pontificate about. In TV, you're just trying to come up with a funny ideas. Also, in TV you're thinking visually. I do, anyway. I try to think of a funny image, and then what might explain that funny image.

For sheer writing, doing a humor piece is probably more difficult. But physically, TV really wears you out. Saturday Night Live, anyway. There the writers produce their own pieces, so you have to make sure the sets, props, sound effects, etc., are right. By the after-show party, you're ready for that beer.