Apparently Sarah Palin chose to keep her child despite learning he had down syndrome when he was still in utero.

Unfortunately it wasn't the first time a republican stubbornly refused to bail on something that was completely retarded from conception.

I got a pirated copy of "The Dark Knight" last night and wasn't that impressed.

Turns out I bought the wrong movie.

"Good morning class. My name is Mr. Johnson. Mr. Jankowitz couldn't make it so I'll be your substitute for the day. Can anyone tell me the answer to this problem?"

A flurry of small hands shoot up.

Mr. Johnson calls on Billy, a young boy in the front row with a missing front tooth... and maybe a missing imagination.

"Yes."

"It's 14," he excitedly proclaims.

"Are you sure it's 14?" Mr. Johnson counters.

The boy is stunned

"Well, that's what the teacher taught us."

"Oh really?"

He takes a seat in front of the boy. His chair is turned around backwards!

"Well, what do you think the answer is?"

"Gosh, nobody ever asked me that before."

"Well maybe it's about time they did."

Mr. Johnson pulls a mango from his pocket and takes a bite.The students are awestruck.

"But I thought teachers were supposed to eat apples?!"

"Well this teacher likes mango."

He takes another bite, then throws what's left of the mango over his shoulder and into the garbage bin. A perfect shot!

"To really find the answer sometimes you have to look beyond the problem, and use your imagination. So look at the board again, what do you think the answer is?"

The room is silent. The kids have never had to think for themselves before.

After a beat the silence is broken by the sweet voice of a freckle faced girl in the back of the room.

"17!"

Another child yells out "21!" Then they all join in.

"42!"

"64!"

"197!"

Everyone in the class is yelling out random numbers! They're really expressing themselves!

Everyone except for Billy. He stares at his desk, lost, confused. Mr. Johnson walks over and puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"Well Billy, what do you think the answer is?"

Billy looks up at his teacher, hesitates for a moment, then breaks into a broad smile and proudly yells "4,297!" The class cheers and Mr. Johnson laughs.

He pulls another mango from his pocket and hands it to Billy. The boy takes a bite and smiles.

A breakthrough.

Meanwhile, outside the classroom two police officers stand with the principle and peak through the door at Mr. Johnson. Their guns are drawn.

"I don't know who the f@*k this guy is, but they found Mr.Jankowitz, in a dumpster outside of an Arby's. "

"What was left of him anyway."

The principle gravely nods, and the two officers kick in the door and open fire.

When the smoke clears, the children are fine, but Mr. Johnson lays dying on the ground, his body riddled with bullets. He motions for the officer that stands over him to lean in closer. He has something to say.

"I was going to rape every one of these kids."

At that, he lunges at the officer, teeth bared, but is stopped short by a bullet to the temple. His head explodes, but not before he bites a piece of the officer's cheek off.

Covered in bits of Mr. Johnson's skull and brain matter, the officer writhes in pain, shreiking and clutching his bloodied face. "My cheek, my cheek!" The children look on.

"He sure was a cheeky fellow," says Billy. Everyone laughs, even the injured officer, inspite of himself.

Man-

Penis-

Man- Seriously dude. Snap out of it. We had like seven drinks man, stop acting like such a pussy and get up. She’s just using the bathroom, she’ll be back in like two minutes. Stop messing around.

Penis-

Man- Is this about Wendy? I already apologized about Wendy. If I had known then what we know now, I wouldn’t have sent you in there without backup. You know that man. I would never put you in harms way on purpose. And I took care of it didn’t I? Didn’t I take care of it?

Penis-

Man- (Raises voice) I put my reputation on the line for you and this is how you fucking repay me. By choking when I need you the most. You were running goddamn laps yesterday while Home Improvement was on for Christ sakes and now you’re doing this to me? I swear to God I’ll…

Penis-

Man- Alright, I’m sorry. I was out of line there. Just please baby. Come one, just like we practiced.

Penis- 

Man- Oh god, I hear her coming man, please pull it together. Give me five good minutes…four good minutes…two minutes?

(Sarah emerges from the bathroom and lays down on the bed. However, she leaves shortly after it becomes clear that Penis won’t be cooperative. When she returns home she and her friends make fun of Man relentlessly.)

Man- I wasn’t going to wear a condom anyway.

Penis-

Tune in next week for “Dialogue between man and his erect penis during weigh-ins at wrestling tournament.”

(Jackson walks onto a crude stage set up at the front of the packed prison cafeteria. He hasn’t been this nervous since he was sentenced to death for raping and murdering five women in three states. He clears his throat…)

(Out of the side of his mouth)

“It was one of those days.”

(Scattered laughter)

“So I pick out this brunette who looks like she needs somebody to lord over her and dominate her and crush her. Well, she was actually the first girl I saw…I’m not that picky. It’s a rape, not a dinner dance for Christ sakes. Anyway, I go to make my move to rape her when I think, ‘wait, am I gonna kill her before or after I do it?’”

(Uproarious laughter)

“Do I murder-rape or rape-murder her?”

(Laughter heightens)

“There’s pros and cons to each side of it. I mean, who doesn’t love a good fight when you’re trying to steal her power from her and penetrate her against her will. Then again, who likes getting kicked in the nuts.”

(Laughter)

“I mean except for Rob.”

(Rob, a pedophile, blushes, then joins in the laughter)

“I guess on the plus side killing them first makes it easier, but who wants to have sex with somebody who’s dead. It’s a little gross, though it’s not that bad if you just killed them. It’s not like you’re raping Nancy Reagan’s corpse…oh wait, she’s still alive.”

(Laughter, somebody in the crowd stabs somebody)

“I wouldn’t rape her with the warden’s dick.”

(Explosive laughter)

“Anyway, long story short I followed her into the alley and stabbed her in the neck with my keys and raped her. She died while I did it, so the whole thing ended up being a mute point. It was the fifth time I’d done it."

"I guess there’s something seriously wrong with me.”

Gay-My ass is sore from all that gay sex I just had. We do it all goddamned day like goddamned jack rabbits or something.

A black jumps out of an alley.

Black-Hey white person.

Gay-(I'd like to have sex with this guy and give him AIDS)

Black-Give me your wallet or I’ll shoot you. I act like this because of rap music and not knowing my father.

Gay- Oh please don’t shoot me with your big manly gun. (Crying)Please don’t take my money; I was going to use it to buy those gay-sex drug pills they talk about on the news. I’m a little baby woman who doesn’t know what it is to act like a man. I’m afraid of guns and that’s why I can’t be in the military.

Black- Stop talking and give me all your money. I have a false sense of entitlement and that’s why I feel justified in stealing. I never learned accountability because of welfare.

Gay-(crying) Fine, take all my money you big manly stud. I got it from doing hair perms or writing poetry or something. I never played little league, or maybe I did and I was terrible at it, and that’s why I do women’s work.

Black- I’m going to spend this money on drugs and prostitutes! I’m some kind of violent lunatic all hopped up on cocaine!

The African shoots the homosexual in the head and then tries to run away, but trips and falls because his damn pants are past his damn ankles anyhow and what the hell kind of way is that to wear your pants. Some police officers arrest him (but are sure to be as “gentle as can be” because they don’t want to get sued by the democrats) and then he goes before the judge

Black- I’m speaking in the goddamned Ebonics because I never learned to speak right.

Judge- That’s OK; Ebonics is just as good as English if you’re an African. Now, normally we'd send you to prison even longer for killing a gay, since the liberals say they should have more rights than the rest of us, but since you’re a black and the liberals say that you should also have more rights than the rest of us, we’ve decided to give you a scholarship to the state university over a more deserving white person, or maybe some kind of Asian. They’re hard workers too.

Billy- Uncle George, can I ask you something?

W-Sure Bill, I’m not even busy at all. With anything.

Billy– Thanks. You see, I’ve been dating this girl for a while, and I don’t think it’s working out.

W– Hmm, why do you say that?

Billy– Well, when I started dating her, I thought she would… I thought she would sleep with me. But it turns out I was wrong. Well, I guess I thought there was a chance she might sleep with me. In retrospect there was a lot of evidence to the contrary that I overlooked.

W- What?

Billy- I should have realized that she wouldn’t do it.

W- Oh.

Billy- Even worse, since I’ve been dating her, these other girls have popped up who I know would sleep with me. Some of these girl’s whole lives revolve around the possibility of them sleeping with me. I’ve heard that some of them are planning on doing it right now. But I can’t go after them because I’m stuck with this one.

W- Hmm. So you can’t go after those other girls because you’re so busy with this one, but they’re the ones who you really should have gone after in the first place.

Billy- Yeah, and on top of that, dating her is getting really expensive. I’m practically broke now. And I have way more important things to spend my money on… way more important.

W- Hmmm, so what you’re saying is that you are in this huge mess right now because you started dating the wrong girl based on faulty information, and now there are lots of other girls out there that you can and should pursue, for your own good, but you’re unable to due to the fact that you’re stuck in a hellish and senseless relationship with one that you have no business being with in the first place? And the longer you stay in the relationship the worse you make everything?

Billy- That pretty much sums it up Uncle George. What would you do if you were in my shoes in almost this exact situation, or one that served as a sort of thinly veiled metaphor for it?

W- I’d break up with her. Definitely

Billy- Thanks Uncle George, you’re not an embarrassment at all.

(Billy walks out of the oval office. From an intercom that sits at the President’s desk comes a woman’s voice)

Intercom- President Bush, today’s US soldier death figures just came in. It looks like a bunch more people are dead.

W- That’s fine Gladys. That’s just fine.

(President Bush picks up a newspaper to look at the comics when, suddenly, a switch turns in his head. His eyes narrow, then widen, and for a brief moment, the stars allign, and the mysteries of the universe reveal themselves to him in an illuminous flash. He has an epifany, and he now knows what he must do)

W- My God, it's all so clear...Gladys

Intercom- Yes Mr. president.

W- I'd like a cherry coke

-Will you be Mein (Kampf)?

-Be my valentine and heil love you forever.

-Love me or I'll end you. I f*cking swear to god I'll end your life.

-This Valentines Day I can't bear to be without you (maybe draw a picture of a cute bear?)

-I reich you a lot.

-Our love is pure.

-You've blitzkrieged into my heart.

-I will f*cking kill you if you won't be my valentine. I will f*cking cut out your heart.

An African-American family of three sits at small dinner table in their modest suburban home.

Marty-Dad, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.

Dad-What’s that scout?

Marty-Well, it's about me starting full-time at the shop next month.

Dad- What about it?

Marty-I don't think I can do it.

(The room goes silent. Mr. King stares indignantly at his near-empty plate)

Dad- Well why the hell not?

Marty-I think I want to be a civil rights leader.

(The room falls silent again.)

Dad-A what? You want to be a what?

Marty-A civil rights leader Dad, I want to help people. I want to bring people together

Dad-Just like that, huh? I train you in the family business for seven years so you can be a civil rights leader, whatever the hell that is. 

Mom- Martin please. Remember what Dr. Perkins said about your blood pressure.

Dad-What’s wrong with fixing scooters? You think you’re too good to do what I do?

Marty-No Dad, that’s not what I mean. I just…I just feel like there’s something more out there for me. I feel like I’m being called to do something bigger with my life.

Dad-Something bigger? (He turns to his wife) He wants to do something bigger. Bigger than fixing scooters?

Marty-It’s not that Dad, I just…

Dad-My own boy turns his back on me. Turns his back on his own family.

Mom-(To Marty) Maybe you should just let it go for tonight honey. Your Dad's tired, he’s had a long day at the scooter garage.

Marty-I’m sorry Dad. I didn’t mean to upset you or Mom. If the scooter business is what you want for me, of course it’s what I’ll do. I wish I’d never even brought this up.

Mom-It’s alright dear. Why don’t you go wash up for bed.

Marty-Alright. Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad.

(Marty leaves the table)

Dad-That kid.

Mom-He’ll be fine dear. A good night's sleep and he’ll forget all about this civil rights nonsense.

Dad-Well, I hope you're right.

(Mrs. King sits suggestively on Mr. King's lap)

Mom-You know, he reminds me a lot of someone I know when they were that age.

Dad-Oh does he Mrs. King?

Mom-Somone who I think is still very sexy, and who might just get lucky tonight if he helps with the dishes.

Dad- Is that so Mrs. King?

(The two share a kiss, but Mr. King pulls it short.)

Dad-I'm sorry, I'm just worried about that boy of ours.

Mom-Don't worry sweetie, I have a hunch he’ll make us all very proud.

And he would…