Neel Shah's Articles

So the first day of the NCAA basketball tourney has come and gone. With the exception of Dick Vitale's absolutely grating voice, which makes me want to pull a Van Gogh, I absolutely love March Madness. Best sporting event of the year, hands down. Yesterday's first round action, though, was somewhat disappointing: 13 of 16 higher-seeded teams won. Where were the shocks? The upsets? The questionable calls? The cliffhangers? The unpredictability? The drama? The"¦you see where I'm going with this. The first season of the OC was pretty much vintage NCAA action: a complete and utter crapshoot filled with bracket-busters (Oliver), Cinderella stories (Luke's transformation from shithead to lovable oaf) and Big Dance crashers (Ryan Atwood at every single formal party). The second season thus far, on the other hand, has been like yesterday: substandard, nothing truly out of the ordinary, and duds instead of potential "shocks"� (Winthrop vs. Gonzaga=lesbianism).

But there's a ton of basketball yet to be played, just as there are 10-some-odd episodes left in the season. I haven't given up hope yet. And this week's show was a pretty satisfying. Not "watching Coach K bitch and moan to the refs as Duke loses in the Final Four"� satisfying, but at least on par with your basic 11 over 6-seed upset. Yes, I know that if you don't follow the Tournament, these analogies don't really make any sense, and you've probably stopped reading by now. Please come back next week. But for know, it's 2am and I'm running with this gimmick, dammnit. Without further ado, here are the six most intriguing match-ups from this past episode:

1) Alex vs. Ryan: Alex, Alex, Alex, my dear lesbiatron. You have so much to learn about the art of face-exploding. Most importantly, don't roll up to a pep rally with muscle dressed like a couple of ironic hipster douchebags. You think those jackasses scared Ryan? Dude is straight out of Chino, for chrissake. By the way, OC writers"”would it have pained you to have Ryan drop both of "˜em, just for old time's sake? We're getting restless. And it's not like you don't know this, given the exchange between Ryan and Seth at the beginning of the show on whether "last year"� really was better, or if it had just been glorified on account of its new-ness. Well played guys, but last year really was better. Edge: Ryan.

2) The First Black Person on the OC, I Think, EVER vs. The Racial Straightjacket that is Prime-Time Television: Around the 45-minute mark, let the record show that an unremarkable looking black female made OC history by becoming the first character of color to have a non-skeezy speaking role (sorry, DJ, but you weren't really breaking down any cultural stereotypes by playing a Mexican lawn boy). To be honest, I get a fair number of emails bemoaning the lack of minorities on the OC. You know what? Stop bitching. It's a show predicated on watching attractive rich white people do attractive rich white things, like attend Winter Galas and build bonfires for water polo players and futz around on sailboats. Throwing black people into the mix just for the sake of throwing black people into the mix reeks of liberal white guilt. UPN exists for a reason. Edge: push.

3) Marissa and Ryan vs. Fate, Played, for this Performance Only by Seth Cohen: Evidently feeling he wasn't homo-Jew enough, Seth decided to become an outright, matchmaking Yenta by facilitating the return of "Ryan and Marissa: Season One."� I've already asserted my heterosexuality by talking about basketball for 300 words, so I'll say it: adorable. Edge: Fate/Seth Cohen.

4) The Pixies vs. Whatever Flavor of the Week Band was Featured: This whole "let's pick a different band off the weekly CMJ top-ten albums list to make the youth of America feel all indie hip"� thing is starting to wear on me. Are that many people out there actually buying the OC compilation CD? Well, given the fact that we are now up to volume 293 of "Now That's What I call Music,"� probably so. Whatevs. Edge, by a wide margin: Pixies.

5) Kirsten vs. Drunken Magazine Editor Guy: Granted, this guy brings waaaay more to the table than She Who Shall Not Be Named (henceforth abbreviated SWSNBN). Case in point: Kirsten: "This is a chance to be subversive and irreverent."� Carter: "I'd rather be drunk."� You gotta respect that. Plus, as noted in #4, he has good taste in music, unlike SWSNBN, who tried to seduce Sandy to the Allman Brothers or some such crap. That said, I'll stand by my previous claim: there is no conceivable way that Kirsten will cheat on Sandy. My "perfect wife"� fantasy depends on me believing this wholeheartedly. What I do think we will see is Sandy, in a rare display of alpha-male rage, beating some ass to defend his territory. Call it a hunch. Edge: push, for now.

6) Julie Cooper vs. Her Sordid Past: This little sub-plot cracks me up. First off, Julie's always given off this "I'm dirty in the sack, bitches"� vibe, and, well, kudos to her for capitalizing on it. Second, Lance is a straight scumbag. You can't really go wrong on a show like this with a jacked, tattooed who bangs hookers. While Julie's excuse for dabbling in the flesh trade is somewhat week ("It was the 80s"�"”sorry, darling, that covers coke and big hair, not porn), Caleb bringing in the hired help next week to "make Lance understand"� could be the highlight of the season.

About next week: I'm out of the country, and won't be filing a column. Bad timing, what with Ryan's brother getting out of jail and all, but unavoidable. Till the week after next.

Neel.Shah@dartmouth.edu, for all you bitches who never write.

So a little birdie flew in my window last week and said, "hey Neel, stop being such a whiny little prick. Your beloved O.C. just unloaded a ton of dead weight, obnoxious characters, and ugly faces. Sit tight and await the return of Season One Glory."� Then another birdie flew in my window and said, "hey Neel, it's finals week at your J.V. Ivy League school. You were too stupid to get into Harvard or Yale, and therefore can't rely on the crutch of rampant grade inflation to get you thru the semester. So write your column on the quick tip and get back to studying international political economy."�

With both birds in mind, we move onto today's episode, also known as "the first step to O.C. recovery."� Let's quickly recap the new plotlines so I can go fail my test:
1) "The Porn Identity"�: Um, totally fucking awesome. Given that Julie essentially screws Caleb for money in real life, it's fitting that she would have screwed the pizza boy for money in her previous one. But $500,000? Come on, Lance. There is no way in hell you could make that kind of cash by distributing that tape on the internet. Which brings us to a far more pertinent question: How much money would a Melinda Clarke (the actress who plays Julie Cooper-Nichol on the show, for all you amateurs out there) sex tape fetch in real life? To be honest, I've always felt that Julie is the second hottest character on the show, after Kirsten (yes, I think both moms are hotter than Marissa and Summer. Paging Dr. Freud.) No way would the lovely Ms. Clarke come even close to receiving Paris Hilton/Pam Anderson quantities of facetime, but if Jenna from Survivor can have her own tape, then dammnit, you can too, Melinda. We're all waiting.
2) The Ongoing De-Gaying of Marissa on Account of Economics: In his 1776 seminal work "The Wealth of Nations,"� Adam Smith coined the phrase "invisible hand"� to demonstrate how self-interest guides the most efficient use of resources in a nation's economy. Or at least that's what the nerdy Asian kid whose notes I photocopied told me. What Smith failed to mention, though, is that self-interest also propels the "invisible hand"� to make sexually-confused-but-spoiled girls start liking boys again so they don't have to do their own laundary. As Julie told Alex, "it's only a matter of time before Marissa comes back."� Whether she was referring to her life of luxury or to the hetero squad is unclear. Either way, lesbianism, "˜twas nice while it lasted. Bring on Ryan.
3) Kirsten's New "Love"� Interest, the Magazine Editor: First off, I didn't quite catch his name, and I didn't have time to go thru it again on TiVo. But I think it was Carter. If not, please no emails telling me I'm an idiot. Whatever his name, dude was a straight-up, smooth-talking sleazebag. Kind of like me, minus the smooth-talking part. I liked him, especially compared to She Who Shall Never Be Mentioned Again in This Column. My only concern is with the plausibility of the whole thing. I can't believe I just brought up "plausability" as a plot concern, but that's a seperate point in and of itself. Carter can't solely exist as a love foil to Peter. Kirsten, bless her soul, is too good a person to be vindictive. I imagine a curveball awaits us; I just haven't figured out what it is at this point. In short, I am useless. But you knew that already.

Granted, the whole mall thing (especially the hockey game"¦come on, Schwartzy, were you really that sad about the NHL lockout?) was a bit contrived. And there was one exchange between Julie and Alex that was innnnnexcusable (Julie: "Have you met Marissa's new friends, Sullen and Vindictive?"� Alex: "No, but I guess they're friends with Scared and Overwhelmed. Perhaps the O.C. writers were hanging out with their friends, Cheesy and Hackneyed. Sorry, lay-up.) But, overall, this episode was a relative "blip"� on the O.C. life support system.

PS, we're totally in business again if Ryan knocks out Alex next week. Seriously.

Send all BALCO-approved, GPA-enhancing steroids to Neel.shah@dartmouth.edu. Unless it's hate mail about how this column wasn't funny. Fuck you and come take my tests.