CollegeHumor: User 277's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1672826 How To Be Fabulous Sat, 01 Apr 2006 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1672826 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Cosmo Magazine Editor,

Attached please find a copy of a self-assessment quiz I constructed for inclusion in the upcoming April edition of your magazine. This is my 23rd attempt and probably my last. Especially if you continue to ignore my emails.

Best,
(Redacted)













1) You have a date tonight with your cutie crush, Ethan from Accounting (that shaggy brown mane, those dimples!), and you've paired your favorite Manolo pumps with a brand-new Juicy Couture skirt (you know"the one that shows off just the riiiiight amount of leg). You look:

A) Fabulous! Looks like that skirt just got you a one-way ticket to Makeoutsville"population, 2!
B) Partly fabulous with a side of BLOATED (ugggh, hate PMS)
C) Like a two-bit whore.
D) Like my mom, telling me to find a job.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/9/collegehumor.6ab0edf8bb8015e57354ce990a878281.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277">Neel Shah</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1672826">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248146 "The O.C. Review": 5/13/05 Fri, 13 May 2005 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248146 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
In any event, my friends Travis, Dan, Michael, and Sam (hello egregious shout-out) were all sitting around last night drinking Everclear punch that Michael made with REAL FRUIT PIECES (hello egregious rage call)*, eagerly anticipating the start of this week's episode. What a fucking buzz kill. I mean, rape, death, alcoholism, matrimonial discord"when did the OC get so dark? Watching Kirsten pick up the bottle of vodka at the end of the show and stumble away from Sandy was almost enough to make me put down my drink.

After last week's rollercoaster double feature, though, it was nice to get a little calm before the storm. The eye of the hurricane, if you will. Okay I'm filibustering like it's going out of style (haaaa), so I'll cut to the chase. The Seth-Zach double switch was cute, as was the prom scene (for some reason, the "Seth Cohen is a tool!" background shouts killed me. Very accurate portrayal of high school). Julie Cooper officially made the leap from purgatory to God's good side with her last-ditch efforts to save Caleb, despite the fact that his death was obviously in her best financial interest. Trey is officially the biggest scumbag alive, Theresa acted completely opposite of every girl I've ever met by telling Ryan to trust Marissa, and George Lucas' neck looked like it was some sort of weird CGI effect. Seriously, did anyone else notice that? That exchange between him and Seth was one of the most unintentionally funny things I've ever seen.

See? I told you this column was going to suck. Till next week.


*email him at Michael.pipkin@dartmouth.edu for the recipe.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/9/collegehumor.6ab0edf8bb8015e57354ce990a878281.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277">Neel Shah</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248134 "The O.C. Review": 4/21/05 Fri, 22 Apr 2005 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248134 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
[Beach Party Coefficient (calculated by dividing the number of grinding bikini-clad teenagers by the number of references to cocaine and/or Candy Flipping) * (# of punches thrown by the Atwoods)^2 * log(probability that Julie Coopers or Jess Sathers will slut out)] / (Kirsten ruining my "perfect wife" fantasy) MINUS (the exponentially increasing annoyingness of the Seth/Summer saga) EQUALS, well, nothing, because this formula doesn't make any sense.

But if this formula actually did yield some sort of quantifiable result, yesterday's show would have scored pretty highly. Not Jess Sathers on X high (is she not the perfect typecast character for a show like this? Hot, morally unburdened, and sexually further unburdened. Gotta love it), but high nonetheless. Sure, the sting operation went off a little too cleanly, and Summer is quickly becoming downright intolerable (your boyfriend is about to publish a comic"err, "graphic novel""and you're complaining about being at some party for an hour or so? Shut up), but some interesting setup for the remainder of the season. Namely:

1) The photographs of Julie Cooper "kissing" Lance, presumably taken by private investigators hired by Caleb: Awesome, especially in light of Julie's continual vacillation between conniving gold-digger and, um, conniving gold-digger with a modicum of a conscience. I can't believe I actually feel sorry for her. Something tells me that Lance and the pills may just come back into play.

2) Marissa and Ryan: Have they or haven't they? Seriously. Does anyone know the answer to this question? I always assumed they had"Ryan's already gotten one girl preggers, and Marissa's a drunken floozy. Then I got an email from Kathleen Dunphy of UCLA Law School arguing, quite persuasively, that they hadn't (Ryan brushing Marissa off after the whole Oliver thing, despite her claim that they'd "waited so long""). And then there was yesterday's episode, in which Marissa declines the invitation to fog up the car windows for the more comfortable confines of the pool house. Ostensibly to have sex, but how do we know? Why are the show's writers so vague about this? Why can't we see some goddamn Ryan-on-Marissa action? And who in high school says no to car sex? Someone please explain these things, for I have nothing to offer.

Other random comments from the show, without particular attention to order, relevance, or import: Why was Damon the "marketing genius" dressed like a gay Nazi? Hipsters dress like homeless people, not homosexuals. The answer, in keeping with today's scholastic theme, can be stated as an 8th grade English lesson plan: "How to Construct Dramatic Irony in Two Easy Steps," by the writers of the OC: 1) Have a character (Summer) point out her disdain for hipsters (to paraphrase, "I'm sick of all the people at this party with their intentionally messed up hair and intentionally dirty clothes"). 2) Put a Bloc Party song in the next scene. Well done"ridiculing your target demographic always makes for good television. On that note, I'm late for class. Till next week.

Send all Ryan/Marissa sexual conspiracy theories to neel.shah@dartmouth.edu
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/9/collegehumor.6ab0edf8bb8015e57354ce990a878281.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277">Neel Shah</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248131 "The O.C. Review," 4/14/2005 Fri, 15 Apr 2005 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248131 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
With that shameless bout of self-promotion out of the way, let's look at the pertinent plotlines of this week's episode, in no particular order:
1) Seth/Summer; Zach/Reed: This one's easy: Seth, you suck. Stop being such a goddamn bitch. You stole Summer from Zach, and then insist on salting his game with Reed? (Put aside for the moment that it is ludicrous that a hot-ass 23-year old professional would even consider dating a high-school junior, but whatevs). I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually rooting for Zach on this one. Previous comments on the quality of his acting still stand, though.
2) "The Rager:" Threesomes? Check. Check. Ex-convicts as enforcers? Check. OD-ed girls face-down in the swimming pool? Check. Just like every party I went to in high school? Um, not so much, but here's to living vicariously. The two cliff-hangers (the non-kiss between Ryan and Marissa; Trey copping to the Ecstasy charge) both produced a lot of tension, and raise a lot of interesting possibilities for next week (Will they or won't they? Did he or didn't he? Will I actually write something intelligible or continue being vague out of sheer laziness?) Bonus: the OD-girl dropping one of the funniest lines in recent memory (rough paraphrase): "Check out my tattoo. Buddha's smoking a joint." Into the pool you go, idiot.
3) The Kirsten/Sandy/Carter saga: Kirsten, Kirsten, Kirsten, what are you doing?? I said it before, and I shall say it again: there's no way she'll actually cheat on Sandy. But fucking up Carter's steez with that hottie orthopedist was totally out of character. I don't know what to make of this. Send me suggestions.
4) Julie/Lance vs. Caleb: Fuck Iran, Iraq, and North Korea"this is what I call an Axis of Evil. What a fantastic alliance. You'd be hard-pressed to find a more loveable sleazebag porn-peddler than Lance. Turning down 8 grand for the tapes after being beaten to a pulp by Caleb's goons? What a guy! I admire his ability to think big: "Hmm. I live out of a dirty motel room. How do I change my predicament? Got it! Convince the woman I publicly humiliated to 1) come home with me from a biker bar, and 2) let me off her husband. Genius.

Till next week. Send all thoughts, calls, comments, critiques, and factual inaccuracies, as always, to Neel.shah@dartmouth.edu
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/9/collegehumor.6ab0edf8bb8015e57354ce990a878281.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277">Neel Shah</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248127 "The O.C. Review," 4/7/2005 Fri, 08 Apr 2005 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248127 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Alas, this column, at least ostensibly, is about this week's episode, which I liked and disliked in equal parts. Things I liked: Marissa and Ryan playing out George Dubbya's wet dream by choosing abstinence over the dirty dirty, thereby remaining in sexual limbo; the Risky Business soundtrack; the incipient stages of tension between Sandy, Carter and Kirsten; Marissa's surprisingly large breasts considering her diminutive (or, as those with a medical background prefer, "anorexic") frame; and the numerous slow motion action shots (psyche! Those were retarded). Things I disliked: kind of everything else. While I realize that the OC is *just* a TV show (sorry for the momentary blasphemy, Pope JP2. Oh wait"you're dead), and can thus occasionally shed the yolk of realism, the whole caper heist plot was ludicrous: the half-brained attempt of Ryan and Seth to get the crystal back (not believable); Ryan's idiot brother even having a fence for the crystal in the first place (not believable, but I'm not an expert on the Chino underground crime world, so I'll give pass here); Ryan's throw and Seth's subsequent catch of said crystal (not believable, though somewhat fitting as a homosexual metaphor); Ryan and Seth driving from Chino to Newport Beach in under 4 minutes (um, not believable); the list goes on and on.

The best conclusion to draw, of course, is that this episode was intended simply as filler. No curveballs, no major plot advancements, and certainly no displays of anything even vaguely reminiscent of rational behavior. I mean Trey, if you're gonna go ahead and jack the damn thing, don't have a guilty conscience about it. And did you, Seth and Ryan, really just walk up to some Sketchy McSketcherton's house in Chino and try to steal it back with the old "I'll distract the target, you tip-toe in, grab the goods, and run" plan? And am I really talking to these fictional characters as if they are real people? Perhaps. But in all serious (or at least with the marginal level of seriousness permissible in this idiotic column¬), it was like everyone on the show drank some sort of idiot serum, and had the discretional capabilities of someone who just drank some sort of idiot serum.

If next week turns out not to be a fiasco, thereby rendering my "filler" argument null and void, well, then, preview editors, I salute you. Till then.

* I should probably not be so lazy because I do not yet have a job next year. But, as the old adage goes, this is easier said than done. If you have a job for me, please email neel.shah@dartmouth.edu. Seriously.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/9/collegehumor.6ab0edf8bb8015e57354ce990a878281.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277">Neel Shah</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248114 "The O.C. Review," 3/17/05 Fri, 18 Mar 2005 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248114 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
But there's a ton of basketball yet to be played, just as there are 10-some-odd episodes left in the season. I haven't given up hope yet. And this week's show was a pretty satisfying. Not "watching Coach K bitch and moan to the refs as Duke loses in the Final Four" satisfying, but at least on par with your basic 11 over 6-seed upset. Yes, I know that if you don't follow the Tournament, these analogies don't really make any sense, and you've probably stopped reading by now. Please come back next week. But for know, it's 2am and I'm running with this gimmick, dammnit. Without further ado, here are the six most intriguing match-ups from this past episode:

1) Alex vs. Ryan: Alex, Alex, Alex, my dear lesbiatron. You have so much to learn about the art of face-exploding. Most importantly, don't roll up to a pep rally with muscle dressed like a couple of ironic hipster douchebags. You think those jackasses scared Ryan? Dude is straight out of Chino, for chrissake. By the way, OC writers"would it have pained you to have Ryan drop both of "em, just for old time's sake? We're getting restless. And it's not like you don't know this, given the exchange between Ryan and Seth at the beginning of the show on whether "last year" really was better, or if it had just been glorified on account of its new-ness. Well played guys, but last year really was better. Edge: Ryan.

2) The First Black Person on the OC, I Think, EVER vs. The Racial Straightjacket that is Prime-Time Television: Around the 45-minute mark, let the record show that an unremarkable looking black female made OC history by becoming the first character of color to have a non-skeezy speaking role (sorry, DJ, but you weren't really breaking down any cultural stereotypes by playing a Mexican lawn boy). To be honest, I get a fair number of emails bemoaning the lack of minorities on the OC. You know what? Stop bitching. It's a show predicated on watching attractive rich white people do attractive rich white things, like attend Winter Galas and build bonfires for water polo players and futz around on sailboats. Throwing black people into the mix just for the sake of throwing black people into the mix reeks of liberal white guilt. UPN exists for a reason. Edge: push.

3) Marissa and Ryan vs. Fate, Played, for this Performance Only by Seth Cohen: Evidently feeling he wasn't homo-Jew enough, Seth decided to become an outright, matchmaking Yenta by facilitating the return of "Ryan and Marissa: Season One." I've already asserted my heterosexuality by talking about basketball for 300 words, so I'll say it: adorable. Edge: Fate/Seth Cohen.

4) The Pixies vs. Whatever Flavor of the Week Band was Featured: This whole "let's pick a different band off the weekly CMJ top-ten albums list to make the youth of America feel all indie hip" thing is starting to wear on me. Are that many people out there actually buying the OC compilation CD? Well, given the fact that we are now up to volume 293 of "Now That's What I call Music," probably so. Whatevs. Edge, by a wide margin: Pixies.

5) Kirsten vs. Drunken Magazine Editor Guy: Granted, this guy brings waaaay more to the table than She Who Shall Not Be Named (henceforth abbreviated SWSNBN). Case in point: Kirsten: "This is a chance to be subversive and irreverent." Carter: "I'd rather be drunk." You gotta respect that. Plus, as noted in #4, he has good taste in music, unlike SWSNBN, who tried to seduce Sandy to the Allman Brothers or some such crap. That said, I'll stand by my previous claim: there is no conceivable way that Kirsten will cheat on Sandy. My "perfect wife" fantasy depends on me believing this wholeheartedly. What I do think we will see is Sandy, in a rare display of alpha-male rage, beating some ass to defend his territory. Call it a hunch. Edge: push, for now.

6) Julie Cooper vs. Her Sordid Past: This little sub-plot cracks me up. First off, Julie's always given off this "I'm dirty in the sack, bitches" vibe, and, well, kudos to her for capitalizing on it. Second, Lance is a straight scumbag. You can't really go wrong on a show like this with a jacked, tattooed who bangs hookers. While Julie's excuse for dabbling in the flesh trade is somewhat week ("It was the 80s""sorry, darling, that covers coke and big hair, not porn), Caleb bringing in the hired help next week to "make Lance understand" could be the highlight of the season.

About next week: I'm out of the country, and won't be filing a column. Bad timing, what with Ryan's brother getting out of jail and all, but unavoidable. Till the week after next.

Neel.Shah@dartmouth.edu, for all you bitches who never write.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/9/collegehumor.6ab0edf8bb8015e57354ce990a878281.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277">Neel Shah</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248105 "The O.C. Review," 3/10/2005 Fri, 11 Mar 2005 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248105 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
With both birds in mind, we move onto today's episode, also known as "the first step to O.C. recovery." Let's quickly recap the new plotlines so I can go fail my test:
1) "The Porn Identity": Um, totally fucking awesome. Given that Julie essentially screws Caleb for money in real life, it's fitting that she would have screwed the pizza boy for money in her previous one. But $500,000? Come on, Lance. There is no way in hell you could make that kind of cash by distributing that tape on the internet. Which brings us to a far more pertinent question: How much money would a Melinda Clarke (the actress who plays Julie Cooper-Nichol on the show, for all you amateurs out there) sex tape fetch in real life? To be honest, I've always felt that Julie is the second hottest character on the show, after Kirsten (yes, I think both moms are hotter than Marissa and Summer. Paging Dr. Freud.) No way would the lovely Ms. Clarke come even close to receiving Paris Hilton/Pam Anderson quantities of facetime, but if Jenna from Survivor can have her own tape, then dammnit, you can too, Melinda. We're all waiting.
2) The Ongoing De-Gaying of Marissa on Account of Economics: In his 1776 seminal work "The Wealth of Nations," Adam Smith coined the phrase "invisible hand" to demonstrate how self-interest guides the most efficient use of resources in a nation's economy. Or at least that's what the nerdy Asian kid whose notes I photocopied told me. What Smith failed to mention, though, is that self-interest also propels the "invisible hand" to make sexually-confused-but-spoiled girls start liking boys again so they don't have to do their own laundary. As Julie told Alex, "it's only a matter of time before Marissa comes back." Whether she was referring to her life of luxury or to the hetero squad is unclear. Either way, lesbianism, "twas nice while it lasted. Bring on Ryan.
3) Kirsten's New "Love" Interest, the Magazine Editor: First off, I didn't quite catch his name, and I didn't have time to go thru it again on TiVo. But I think it was Carter. If not, please no emails telling me I'm an idiot. Whatever his name, dude was a straight-up, smooth-talking sleazebag. Kind of like me, minus the smooth-talking part. I liked him, especially compared to She Who Shall Never Be Mentioned Again in This Column. My only concern is with the plausibility of the whole thing. I can't believe I just brought up "plausability" as a plot concern, but that's a seperate point in and of itself. Carter can't solely exist as a love foil to Peter. Kirsten, bless her soul, is too good a person to be vindictive. I imagine a curveball awaits us; I just haven't figured out what it is at this point. In short, I am useless. But you knew that already.

Granted, the whole mall thing (especially the hockey game"come on, Schwartzy, were you really that sad about the NHL lockout?) was a bit contrived. And there was one exchange between Julie and Alex that was innnnnexcusable (Julie: "Have you met Marissa's new friends, Sullen and Vindictive?" Alex: "No, but I guess they're friends with Scared and Overwhelmed. Perhaps the O.C. writers were hanging out with their friends, Cheesy and Hackneyed. Sorry, lay-up.) But, overall, this episode was a relative "blip" on the O.C. life support system.

PS, we're totally in business again if Ryan knocks out Alex next week. Seriously.

Send all BALCO-approved, GPA-enhancing steroids to Neel.shah@dartmouth.edu. Unless it's hate mail about how this column wasn't funny. Fuck you and come take my tests.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/9/collegehumor.6ab0edf8bb8015e57354ce990a878281.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277">Neel Shah</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248105">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248096 "The OC Review," 2/24/05 Fri, 25 Feb 2005 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248096 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
But agreed. Tonight's episode was make or break. To advance X's analogy, either the O.C. would get off the IV and start eating some solid food, or end up in the toilet along with this morning's breakfast (Yes, I know I'm going to hell. But eating disorders are still kind of funny). Rather than wait till the end of the show to write an analysis, I decided to change things up a bit this time and write a stream-of-conscious running diary. Kind of like Jack Kerouac and his "spontaneous prose," sans the whole talent thing. In any event, here we go:

8:01: 1) It's"gasp!"raining in OC land! 2) Blind Melon's "No Rain" is playing in the background. 3) This is very cute. Especially the playful bickering between Seth and Ryan over whether they should rendezvous in the pool house or the real house. Could these guys have a gayer dynamic? The writers really missed the boat on picking the right gays for the show.

8:03: "Maybe it will all work out," says Seth. Cue lightening, ominous glances, and discussion of fate/divine intervention. Alas, if God were actually watching the show, he would have knocked off Lindsay and Zach long ago.

8:08: Sandy: "As long as you stay, Rebecca, we have a shot at getting you off, blah, blah, bliggity blah, I want to touch you with my pee-pee." A girl friend of mine just threw a half-empty carton of white rice at the TV in disgust. Sike! I only watch the O.C. in an ice-cream and sushi-fueled homoerotic orgy of boyz.

8:10: Marissa and Alex kiss. Tongue sightings to date: 0. Marissa just drops the "Alex is my girlfriend"no, not girl friend, grrrlfriend" bomb to her mother. Over-under on how much longer this gig lasts: 2 episodes.

8:10: Idiot Lindsay plays a "sad song" on the oboe, arguably the most idiotic instrument of all time. Too bad it's not for her funeral.

8:12: "I might be thinking of going to Chicago," she says. Stop thinking, bitch. Go! Do it now!

8:13: Ryan, you inarticulate, Neanderthal meatstick, shut the hell up and stop convincing her otherwise. You're ruining EVERYTHING. When are you gonna find out you have a little bundle of joy waiting for you in Chino, anyway?

8:14: "Seth," groans Summer, "are we really gonna to do this again, or did you come here to advance the plot." Man, these writers really love knocking down the proverbial 4th wall between audience and performer. They are so clever it's adorable.

8:20: "Let's get you out of these wet clothes," Alex tells a drenched Marissa. Cut to next scene. Damn you, FCC.

8:24: Sandy and Rebecca get stopped en route to Newport Beach by a "road flood." What a convenient test of morality. I love the artificial constructs of television. PS, there is absolutely no way that he'll cheat.

8:28: Seth walks in on Marissa and Alex, they who have just gotten freaky off camera. Hilarity ensues. This 3-minute scene is easily the best payoff of this lesbian debacle to date. By the way, if this was premium cable, a threesome defiantly would have broken out. Seth would have been the one that got eaten out, too. I mean Boyz-to-Men? You've gotta be kidding me.

8:30-8:37: My laptop froze and had to be re-booted. Too lazy to write by hand. Sue me.

8:38: Summer calls Seth out for being a gay ("Whatever we had clearly wasn't as good as what you and Ryan had.")

8:39: Houston, we have a Caleb-Lindsay paternity match. Absolutely devastating.

8:42: Sandy regains both his conscience and his eyesight; tells Rebecca he's gotta get back home to be with Kirsten and company ASAP. He then drives into a ditch. Police are on the way. So is a commercial. Finally, the slightest hint of drama up in this piece.

8:43: Is anyone else considering watching "Stars Without Makeup" next? Man, I love Fox.

8:47: Just like that, Rachel Bloom vanishes into the ether. And with her the only fat, unattractive woman on the O.C. Good eff-ing riddance.

8:49: This whole moving-in-with-the-girlfriend thing is getting way too real for Marissa. Paying rent? Ewww. That's, like, for poor people. Evidently, so is lesbianism. She'll be straight and back in her old house in 2 weeks, tops.

8:50: Hey, God? Remember me? It's Neel. Long time no see. I don't ask you for many favors, but you could really help me out of a bind here by getting Lindsay out of my hair. Hope it's not too much to ask"

8:51: Thanks, big guy. I owe you one. See you in Hell, Lindsay.

8:53: Oasis "Champaign Supernova" cover. "You can't fight fate," says Zach. But you can fight effeminate skinny Jewish boys. Stand up for your woman, dammnit. I want to see a fist fight.

8:55: No such luck. Are they seriously parodying the upside-down Spider Man kiss, erect nipples and all, instead?

8:56: They are seriously parodying the upside-down Spider Man kiss, erect nipples and all, instead. I gotta admit: part of me is a little giddy. Part of me is also gay, which explains that. The alpha male frat boy part of me, though, is kind of nauseated. The cheeze factor just hit an all-time high.

8:57: Ryan and Marissa, together on the pier. Quality foreshadowing. The wheels are in motion for a return to the original fearsome foursome. Alex, it was nice knowin ya.

9:05 recap: Real mixed bag. On the plus side, we got rid of three hideously annoying (worse"unattractive) characters in one swoop. On the negative side, though, it wasn't all that entertaining of an episode. This does not bode well for next week's"mall episode? What the fuck is that about? Honestly, when the coming attractions don't look promising, you're in some serious trouble. I think we may be in serious trouble.

Send your best shots to neel.shah@dartmouth.edu. I don't think there's a new episode next week, so maybe we'll run a mailbag or some crap.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/9/collegehumor.6ab0edf8bb8015e57354ce990a878281.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277">Neel Shah</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248091 "The O.C. Review": 2/17/05 Fri, 18 Feb 2005 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248091 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
But I digress. Let's begin this week by getting the dumb lesbian shit out of the way ASAP so we can talk about the plot lines of actual import. Totally loved Marissa sitting on her bed, gazing longingly into the pages of "Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Punk" (nice product placement, by the way) as if it was a vagina. Yo, Marissa, not making out with your "girlfriend" the week after you barely even made out with her isn't punk, it's f-ing gay. Oh wait, using "gay" as a synonym for "lame" doesn't actually work in that context. But you get the idea. I can't believe I'm actually writing this as a hetero frat boi (albeit one that is sexually ambiguous enough to pen an OC column), but this lesbo thing is really testing my patience. I don't think I've seen anything so hyped with such miniscule payoff since the Segway.

The real drama, of course, lies in 1) the Kirsten/Sandy/Rebecca love triangle, and 2) the "Seth and Summer, Make Out Already for Chrissake" saga (and yes, I've purposely omitted the subject of Lindsay's paternity because I fucking hate her. The really sick part of me wishes that Caleb is in fact her dad. And that he gave her AIDS. Moving along). While plot lines #1 and #2 are essentially the only reasons to keep watching the show, both strain realistic social norms to such an aggravating degree that it boggles the mind. Let's begin with #1. While my grasp of the concept of holy matrimony is somewhat limited, my understanding is that marriages tend to fall apart for one of three reasons: A) money; B) your spouse gets fat and ugly; thus necessitating C) cheating with someone hotter. Sandy, my boy: have you looked at your wife lately? Bitch is straight dime piece. Hot like Tabasco. Have you looked at Rebecca lately? She looks like her face melted. Sandy has long shown himself to be the most stable character on the show, and he's willing to throw it all away over some pot-smoking fugitive with a few extra bagels in her belly? It just doesn't add up.

As for the Seth-Summer drama, does anyone else find it completely ludicrous that Seth and Zach are not mortal enemies at this point? How emasculated can two males possibly be? Let's recap: dude stands by and lets ex-boyfriend shamelessly game on girlfriend. Dude declares intention to wait for sex (hey Zach, were you asking yourself WWJD? Sorry man"even Jesus thinks you're a homo). Ex-boyfriend then stands by as dude tells him, "Hey, I'm going to Tuscany to fuck the girl you love. Have fun obsessing about the exact moment of penetration." Ex-boyfriend goes home to eat ice cream and watch VH- 1. Finally, ex-boyfriend tells girl he's 100% fine with how the situation has played out. The sheer pussiness of it all is almost unbearable.

I say "almost" because next week's epi really, truly, may be the one to de-rut the OC train. Car crashes, dramatic storms, confessions of love, last-minute phone calls"if they mess this one up, I'm gonna start watching Point Pleasant and Jonny Zero instead.

Send the catcalls, insults, hate mail, and photos of eligible Indian women (dot not feather) to neel.shah@dartmouth.edu

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/9/collegehumor.6ab0edf8bb8015e57354ce990a878281.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277">Neel Shah</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248081 "The O.C. Review," 2/3/05 Fri, 04 Feb 2005 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248081 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
As for this week's offering: some people I watched it with totally loved it. These "people" tended to be girls. Some people I watched it with thought it the same old mediocre shlock that has come to define Season Two. These "people" tended to be boys. I'm skewing somewhere towards the first group, though I'm not exactly sure what that says about my sexuality. But that's another column for another time. Kirsten catching Sandy play "Hide the Jew Like She's Anne Frank" is easily the best subplot of the entire season. Earth to Sandy, you dumb idiot"did you really think you were gonna get away with harboring your fugitive ex-fiancé in your law office with Kiki around? I mean, have you ever even watched any of the past O.C. episodes? That type of shit always gets blown up. You just got served.

As for the rebirth of the Seth/Summer saga, as much as I wanted to see them make out, and as unrealistic it was that they didn't (who has that type of self-restraint in high school? Who has that type of self-restraint in college? For that matter, who has any self-restraint whatsoever? I'd like to meet you, person-with-self-restraint, if you exist in any capacity outside of a teen soap opera), the writers made the right call by holding off. Where the erred on the side of plausibility, though, was with the Caleb/Ryan showdown. Who wasn't rooting for a real fist fight there? It wouldn't have been that outside the norm of O.C.-land, and it sure as hell would have raised a whole slew of possible scenarios (Ryan flees to Chino, where he discovers he has a kid. Ryan actually gives Caleb a real heart attack instead of a lame-o "minor one," is hit with an involuntary manslaughter rap, and has to be defended by Sandy. Caleb takes the blow like a man, proceeds to beat the shit out of Ryan, and cracks some more awesome jokes about how poor Ryan is. The possibilities are mind-boggling.)

I purposely didn't discuss this lesbian nonsense until the very end because it's really starting to piss me off. I feel like I hopped in a time-machine and ended up at Season Ten, where they have to resort to retarded plot devices like lesbianism to sustain any sort of interest in the show. I hope they just make out already next week. And that Zach, easily the most obnoxious, imbecilic, clueless character in T.V. history, dies sometime before then.

As always, send thoughts, criticisms, observations, and drugs to neel.shah@dartmouth.edu. Especially drugs.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/9/collegehumor.6ab0edf8bb8015e57354ce990a878281.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277">Neel Shah</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248074 The O.C. Review (1/ 27/ 05) Fri, 28 Jan 2005 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248074 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Kirsten: Who's missing?
Sandy: Rebecca Bloom.
Kirsten: As in the love of your life?
Sandy: She's not the love of my life.
Kirsten: Sandy, you were engaged to be married.
Sandy: We were engaged to be engaged.
Kirsten (completely deadpan): Yeah, until she burned down a nuclear lab site.
Sandy (inquisitively): We don't know if she did that for sure.

Touché, Sandy. As for you, O.C. scribes, give yourselves a nice pat on the back: nothing gets a show back on track faster than a little touch of Chernobyl. Could that line have come further out of left field? I would have spit my drink out all over the floor in laughter if I was actually drinking something when I heard it.

Granted, this episode was more foreplay than actual penis-in-vagina. But foreplay has never been so fun! Or at least that's what I read in Cosmo. Let's tackle the non-Sandy/Kirsten plot lines one by one:

1) Caleb refusing to acknowledge his bastard daughter's existence: To be honest, I'm willing to cut the guy a break on this one. How else are you supposed to deal with an illegitimate kid other than to pretend it doesn't exist? I mean, depositing it in a back-alley dumpster is sooo Senior Prom.

2) Alex and Marissa as lesbiatrons-in-training: We learn early in the episode that the two budding love birds have been hanging out every day since, um, last week's episode. What a coincidence! But can they just fucking makeout already? I mean, simultaneous Interpol listening and gay (hehe) heart necklaces are all well and good, but unless this turns out to be Where the Boys Aren't #18, we're going to have one very anticlimactic consummation scene on our hands. An interesting question does come to mind, though: Who's the butch and who's the bitch? Hard to say at this juncture"popular money is on Alex (riot grrrrrl), but Marissa certainly has her fair share of pent up anger. E-mail your thoughts (neel.shah@dartmouth.edu) and we'll publish the answers next week.

Which leaves us with:

3) Seth and Summer, potentially back in the saddle (or, to get all Latin on your ass, a return to the "quid pro quo." That means "normal" in case you're retarded.) However you slice it, this was inevitable. I mean, what self-respecting hipster Jew wouldn't continue to blow his Matzoh balls over a girl who drops a "Kavalier and Gay" joke? It couldn't have happened a moment too soon"Zach was slowly approaching "I, the viewer, want to smash the T.V. with a pool ball every time Zach opens his stupid mouth" status. But will Seth and Summer actually go through with it? And is Caleb actually going to croak next week, as the preview indicated? And will any O.C. viewer actually donate money to the Tsunami relief fund? (That commercial was touching, Benjamin McKenzie and Peter Gallagher, but I think you guys targeted the wrong demographic. Where the fuck is Sri Lanka, anyway?) Till next week.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/9/collegehumor.6ab0edf8bb8015e57354ce990a878281.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277">Neel Shah</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248068 The O.C. Review, 1/19/05 Thu, 20 Jan 2005 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:248068 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Well, it looks like we'll have to keep waiting for that upswing: another episode gone by, another 60 minutes of relative tedium. I mean, was I blacked out for the first 56 minutes (until the final "4 minutes of Girls Night Out"), or did nothing even happen? To re-cap: the girls decide to strap one on and go get wasted. Lindsay almost drowns, although not really because she's actually passed out inside the club, even though everyone wishes she really had died if for no other reason than to facilitate a Ryan/Marissa 10-day Jack and coke (the white kind) binge. The boys, on the other hand, do their part to complete the gender role reversal: they sit at home, bitch and moan about their feelings and shit, and then yell at their significant others/exes for being emotionally closed off. Fantastic stuff, if you like your T.V. terrible.

Which brings us to the budding Seth/Marissa/Alex love triangle"the only remnant of "Vintage Season One O.C" we've seen all year. First, though, it should be noted that Seth has officially become the gayest purportedly heterosexual character of all time. Dude, you just found out your girlfriend used to date chicks, and your gut reaction is to throw a hissy fit about it? In high school, meeting a real live lesbian"a ridiculously hot real live lesbian at that"was the stuff of pure fantasy (a fantasy subsequently ruined by going to college and actually meeting real live lesbians, at which point it became apparent that lesbians are just fat, smelly vegans who rarely shave their legs.) As for Ryan"I'm speechless. You discover that your best friend's ex is a chick. Not only do you not tell him this immediately, but you proceed to make zero effort to get him to finagle a ménage out of the situation (which, even if completely unsuccessful, would have still made for quality television.) Someone call the homo police and take these kids in for questioning.

The final four minutes of the show, which, coincidentally, were also the final "4 minutes of Girls Night Out" (give Mr. Schwartz another life-imitating-art brownie point) gave us Marissa and Alex spooning on a couch, sharing a blanket and trading doey-eyed glances. The chemistry wasn't exactly Gertrude Stein and Alice Toklas, but it was certainly palpable. Would they hold hands? Kiss? Perform super-attractive cunnilingus on each other and then paint each other's nails? Guess we'll find out next week"time's up! Ah, the gays: they cost us an election, but at least they're good as plot crutches on floundering teenage soap operas.

In any case, at least the scenes from next week's O.C. look decent. Then again, they always do. Memo to the coming attractions: stop fucking with my emotions and give me a solid episode for once, will ya?
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/9/collegehumor.6ab0edf8bb8015e57354ce990a878281.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:277">Neel Shah</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />