Jeff Rubin's Articles

7 total in December 2006

  • Fellow Jews - Now's Our Chance!

    Their guard is down, let's do this.

    First step - we'll break into the White Castle and make that our base of operations. Since today is the only day all year they're closed, I'm pretty sure the doors don't have locks. The password to get in will be "chhhhhhhhh." Don't worry, nobody but us is reading this. Even if they are, we removed the part of their brains that lets them chhhhhhh during Christmas '98. I think we'll be fine.

    Don't tell the elders, but I was late to the last cabal meeting - what time did we say we would start embedding mind control messages in the media? Two? That's perfect - we can make the 3:00 Night at the Museum. I love Ben Stiller.

    We've got some time to put this plan into action. Tomorrow they will all be playing with their new toys, but we'll have had ours for over a full week already. Also, I was thinking while the town is empty maybe we could get a big game of Capture The Flag going. I don't know, I thought that would be cool.

    See you guys there! Viva ha resistance!


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  • Top 20 Pics of 2006: 10-1

    10. Freedom Tickler - Forget what Newsweek tells you, no single image sums up the times we live in like this one.

    9. Busted - This just in: I'm fired.
    8. Fish Tank Cleaner - His fish have since checked into rehab.
    		7. I Was Thirsty - He finally finished the drink early the next morning, in bed with the couple.
    6. Monkey Spring Break - Immediately after this was taken, he won the water skiing competition and recovered the stolen microchip.

    		5. Don Vito - Don Vito may be an adult, but shows the poor judgment of a man half his age. That's what staying young is all about.
    4. Hot & Hotter - Amid the usual avalanche of sexy kittens and sexy nurses, there was one sexy Halloween costume this year that stood above all others.
    		3. Challenge Authority - Don’t challenge a teacher until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Or a kilometer. Whichever is farther.
    2. Ultimate That Guy - As soon as he laid his eggs, he shuffled his flippers and returned to the sea.
    		1. Perhaps The Best - Techincally it was from 2005, but that's okay. We expect it to win in 2007 too.
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  • Top 20 Pics of 2006: 20-11

    20. Solo Cups in the Dishwasher - What can we say? We're suckers for the "screams college" tag.

    19. I Took Out My Teeth For You - A true gentleman would have taken out his fake eye too.
    18. Kevin Federline's CD - In many ways, 2006 was Kevin's year. This picture will take us back to the glory days of Po Po Zao for years to come.
    		17. Ron Jeremy's First Goatse - If you don't know what Goatse is, you're among the lucky ones. It's amazing to see someone who has seen it all see something new.
    16. Orgasmix - Honestly, we put this here because we thought it might help the poor submitter recover from the trauma.

    		15. Halle Berry & Luckiest Guy in the World - Harvard's legendary Hasty Pudding Theatricals team gave Halley Berry their woman of the year award this year. This is how she says thank you.
    14. High Dive - The only thing this picture is missing is a basketball hoop for him to dunk on.
    		13. Lawn PDA - The really crazy part? Those are his parents! (probably)
    12. 9/11 Valentine - We received many many offensive pictures this year, but none were quite as creepy as this card. If you give this to a girl and she doesn't hit you, she's a keeper.
    		11. Sin City's Marv Costume - The only reason he didn't win best costume: no buxom girl in a black-and-white dead hooker costume.
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  • The Lies We Tell

    What we say to...

    Parents     - I'm considering a few possible majors. Economics seems interesting. That reminds me, I need another $150 for textbooks.
    Friends - Everyone says I'm majoring in the bong sciences, with a double minor in left boobs and right boobs.
    Everyone - Communications is a real major. No, it is! It's pretty hard sometimes!


    Parents - Yeah, I've had some beers here or there with my study group after an exam. I don't really like the taste.
    Friends - One afternoon me, my roommate, and a defensive tackle from the football team just started mixing together whiskey and gin. I don't even know how it started. I got so drunk, I tried out to be the mascot. I got second place, I think it was fixed. That was like the third our fourth craziest afternoon of the semester.
    God - I swear to you if you cure this hangover I will never drink that much again.
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  • Man of the Century

    Have you ever been busted by an RA for having something you weren't supposed to? Trevor from the University of Wisconsin La Crosse has.

    While doing a routine pre-Thanksgiving inspection, Trevor's RA discovered what appeared to be a beer bong. However, as Trevor explained to his residence life adviser, it was actually a device used for cleaning fish tanks. Residence life understood, and their letter has since been immortalized in the pictures section.

    I interviewed Trevor so we could find out exactly where the misunderstanding was.

    Trevor, a lot of people have written in trying to figure out exactly what happened. Let's pretend I'm the director of resident life.
    Okay.

    We found a drinking apparatus in your room. Is it yours?
    Yes it's mine.

    Game over buddy. You're suspended.
    But it's not a beer bong. You found it on the shelf, right?

    Umm... yes.
    Yeah, I use that to change the water in my fish tank. You know, the 45 gallon one under my bed. There isn't enough room to change the water unless I use a funnel and tube.
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  • Man of the Century


    We've all watched afternoon talk shows and dreamed of the funny things we might say if we were on them. Last week, Joe Somar lived the dream. After winning a case on The People's Court, Joe gave an unbelievable post-game interview (in case you missed it, click here to watch). This week he's the MAN OF THE CENTURY. I sat down with Joe to talk about The People's Court, mustaches, and what comes next.

    What happened after the cameras stop rolling? Did the interviewer say anything?
    Yeah, the camera guy said "cut" and looked me dead in the eye and said, "What the hell was that?" The interview guy actually just sort of walked off. He's a douche bag.

    What did you say?
    I sort of just shrugged it off. I was already hella late for work and I sort of wanted to get out of there. The studio has a pretty creepy vibe. They shuffle the defendant and plaintiff out of separate entrances, I guess to avoid ECW-style brawling around the building. But they made everything seem a lot more serious than it could possibly ever be on that show. It's a really tense vibe.

    How so?
    I'm actually certain they consider themselves to be a real court. The producers make you sign a million forms about how legally binding everything on their show is. They ran down the judge's entire judicial history for me. I believe the speech ended with, "So you know, this is a REAL big deal." Which isn't the best prefix for, "So now we're going to send you to makeup."
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  • Uncensored DVD Mania




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    • Jeff Rubin Penn State

    About Me

    Jeff's likes - captioning CollegeHumor pictures, Parker Brother's Sorry! (preferably played with teams), pajama pants, Entenmann's Chocolate Chip Original Recipe Cookies, Arrested Development, when it suddenly starts to rain heavily on a Spring day.

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