Lukas Kaiser's Articles

3 total in September 2006
  • "˘When your RA puts a jar of condoms outside his door for the whole floor to take, don't waste your time knocking on his door and getting into theological and philosophical arguments with him. Drive home your feelings about pre-marital relations by poking holes in all the condoms.
    "˘When you see students binge drinking, don't go over and offer to be their designated driver. It's not your responsibility to save them"”that's Jesus' job. "˘Despite their feigned protests, trust us"”your roommates indeed wish to watch "The Passion"ť with you. "˘Just as it was in high school, you must never mention your nocturnal emissions to anyone. "˘Why not start your own Bible show on Campus TV?!


  • Prostitue Debra Murphree, talking about her sexual relationship with the Reverand Jimmy Swaggart: "I was on my knees, doggie-style, with my feet hanging off the bed... He pulled his jogging suit down around his ankles and left his T-shirt on... He stuck it in and pumped a couple of time and pulled it out... He was very easy. A few pumps and that was it. He'd just moan, and as soon as he got done, he'd throw the rubber in the trash, tuck it in and walk out the door." What a great American.


  • "˘The girl from high school you are kissing is now your dad, whom you are banging "˘As you are about to win a relay race, you realize the race is an event in the Special Olympics "˘While playing catch with your deceased grandfather, he confeses to you he was born with a functional vagina


Lukas Kaiser NYU

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I was born in my mother's bed and she's blamed me for the mess ever...

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