When college began, for a brief second, I thought, "This crap is exactly the same as high school." Athletes were still the coolest, classes were still boring and Asians were still ruining the curve. But when I filed into my literature seminar on the second day of classes my freshman year, I noticed something that let me know"”things are going to be different. What was that something? It was a 60-year-old woman in my class, putting on her bifocals and tonguing her dentures. She was an old student.
Old students are undergraduate students who are over the age of 25. So to all you 28-year-olds, I'm sure you had fun backpacking through Europe, but you're old now. I know a good life insurance company, old-timer. Is your funeral going to be open or closed casket?
The first time you see an Old Student, your entire worldview up until that point disintegrates, leaving you a confused, lightly acne covered shell of a man (you really should start using Proactiv). Old people in school are supposed to be the teachers, the administrators and, when they're really cool, the janitors. But there, sitting before your very own eyes, there's a balding middle aged guy in an '86 Mets shirt comparing Virginia Wolfe's "A Room of One's Own" to being a divorced father of two who lives with his invalid mother while the 26-year-old TA teaching the class pretends to be interested.
Old students, along with foreigners, are the only ones who still think college is for getting an education. Don't even try telling them it's for keggers, smoking weed and lots of loose sex, because they've been there and done that. It was called the 60s, dude! Unless, like, they're really old, in which case it was called the roaring 20s and, lady, it looks like your oxygen tank needs a refill.
Well let them do all the studying. You just keep partying and having a good time because no matter how well an Old Student does in school, an employer will always hire you over them. It's called "agism," and it rocks! Until you get old"¦but don't worry, man"¦that won't happen to you. They'll DEFINITELY find a cure for "growing old" in the next few years. I promise!
The weirdest thing is when Old Students live in the dorms. It's not right seeing old people live so close to us. There was a 60-year-old physics major who lived on my floor. At first, all the girls thought he was sweet and grandfatherly and would drop by to give him kisses on the cheek and boxes filled with freshly baked cookies. Then his roommate caught him masturbating over the cookies with an S n M mask on. His nickname in the dorms after that was Cookie Monster. I think he died from circulation problems last year.
In conclusion, Old Students are just like you and me! Wait, no. They're freaks of nature. Most of them have herpes too, I hear.
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