Lukas Kaiser's Articles

17 total in November 2006

  • Young Adult Reading All Growns Up

    by Lukas Kaiser November 17, 2006
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  • Christian Themed Dorm Room Posters

    by Lukas Kaiser November 16, 2006
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  • Justify Your Major!!! Telepsychcokinetics

    by Lukas Kaiser November 16, 2006
    Jared studies Telepsychcokinetics. Let's see if he can Justify His Major! Lukas: Is this jared? Jared: Yea. Lukas: so what's your major? Jared: Real major...or the one I made up? Lukas: Better choose, Jared! better choose. Jared: Well the more interesting of the two is Telepsychcokinetics. Lukas: What is that? Jared: The study of how the brain reacts to external elements. Lukas: Who cares about that though? Jared: Young intoxicated freshman females... Lukas: Works for me. Your major is justified. Can you justify your major? Hit me up at lukaskaiser@gmail.com to find out.
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  • Justify Your Major!!!

    by Lukas Kaiser November 16, 2006
    Some of yall out there are studying some random ass stuff. So I'm asking yall to Justify Your Major. First up, Randall Blevins, a Jazz Performance Major LUKAS: So Randall, justify your major. RANDALL: Cool, my man. So we all must agree, society's pretty crazy these days, yeah? LUKAS: Uhm...sort of, I guess... RANDALL: Just agree, my man...for the sake of the argument. LUKAS: Gotcha. Society's screwed up. RANDALL: Right. And so we need culture to make us feel better. That's where Jazz Performance comes in. LUKAS: But jazz doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel like I'm at the dentist. RANDALL: Well, you're just not cultured, my man. LUKAS: I'm not? RANDALL: I mean...you don't like jazz, man. LUKAS: Sure don't! Looks like Randall failed to justify his major. Will you have more luck? Hit me up at lukaskaiser@gmail.com and see if you can JUSTIFY YOUR MAJOR!!
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  • But What Does That Mean For Me? Nov 16 Edition

    by Lukas Kaiser November 16, 2006
    Once again, here's the week's biggest news stories, and how they translate to your lives. It's sort of like "The Daily Show" if "The Daily Show" was written by a non-functioning illiterate pervert currently on house arrest. OJ Simpson has written a book about the Nicole Brown Simpson/Ron Goldman murders called "If I did it..." explaining how he would've commited the murders _had_ he done it. What this means for you: Hmm...I guess OJ did it. Looks like you're gonna have to give up your "Looking for the real killers" hobby. A man who was violently assaulted during his arrest is set to be freed-mostly thanks to the arrest being videotaped and placed on YouTube. What this means for you: If you in a Frat, go easy, bro. Don't beat the pledges with shit-covered dictionaries too hard...they might have cameras on them. Trent Lott has been welcomed back to a leadership position in the Republican Party What that means for you: See, dude...in a few years, no one is gonna remember that whole "I hate Asian" speech you made. It'll allll blow over. Uhm, anyways, have a good day. I...gotta run. I can't be seen with you, you racist dick-head. Lines to purchase the PS3 had formed as early as November 9th, despite the system not scheduled to be released until this Friday. What this means for you: If you're reading this, you're not going to be getting a PS3 anytime soon. Congratulations, you're not crazy. Tara Reid is hot again. What this means for you: Tell your dad to stop cheating--if Tara Reid can get hot again, so can your mom. Jacko's back. What this means for you: It might be time for your little brother to start hanging out inside the house from now on. So he doesn't get skin cancer from UV rays, of course. Oh, also cuz you don't want him to get molested by Michael Jackson!!! Just kidding. Jacko didn't do it. So what if he accurately describe Jacko's penis. Does he know what it tastes like? No? I rest my case. Microsoft has released their "iPod killer," Zune, to disappointing reviews. What this means for you: Zune's good, Zune's bad, whatever. Your Dell mp3 player is still friggin' LAAAAAAMMMMME!!! Both John McCain and Rudy Giuliani have both announced their hopes to run for President in 2008 What this means for you: Hey there, big guy. Are you a Senator? No? Aw. Are you a Mayor of a major US city? Not that either? 'K. So, when your mom said you could be president...she was, like, lying, right? Yeah. Just making sure we were on the same page...you know, about your mom being a huge liar and all. She's a whore too. A big, sweaty, lying whore.
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  • Video Games No One Is Nostalgic For

    by Lukas Kaiser November 15, 2006
    We can't get enough of Mario, Zelda, Pong...you know, the classics. But just because a video game is old doesn't mean it's good. Here are some old video games that no one is nostalgic for:
    "¢Dragon's Lair Often called the most successful arcade game of all time, Dragon's Lair is patently terrible. This horrid "video game" wasn't even a video game at all. It was a cartoon that you paid money in an arcade to watch.
    "¢Sewer Shark Who else made the mistake of buying Sega CD? Then you'll be one of the other 10 people who will recall this game, which came with the system. All I remember is that you piloted a ship that went in the sewer and a guy kept yelling "Oh! You're tube steak!" every time you died.
    "¢Bonk! If you had the Turbo Graphics 16, you were either a millionaire or your uncle molested you and to make up for it went and bought you a Nintendo, but you already had a Nintendo, as well as a Sega, so you exchanged it for a Turbo Graphics 16. And Bonk! comes with the TG16. Weird how accurate I am, right?!
    "¢Anything featuring Batman Any video game featuring Batman is bad. But it's not so bad that it's good, like the ET game. Because then you'd be nostalgic for it. Just a nice even toned, Miller Lite sort of bad.
    "¢Leisure Suit Larry Too bad "sex" games didn't take off. I'm sorry, did I say "too bad?" I meant, "it's good."
    "¢Eternal Champions "Mommy, why won't they release Street Fighter for Genesis?" "I don't know, Billy. But here...play Eternal Champions while you wait." You get the idea. But also, the characters are like witches and lions and shit.
    "¢Night Trap Like Dragon's Lair, but set in a slumber party. And, oh yeah, there's rape.
    "¢Jaws 3D Liars. The game's not 3D. It just comes with 3D glasses that do nothing.
    "¢World Heroes They must've assumed Capcom would stop making versions of Street Fighter 2 for the SNES after a while. WRONG!
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  • Albanian Celebs!!

    by Lukas Kaiser November 14, 2006
    Take a look at what your favorite celebrities would look like if they were Albanian! Will Ferrell!
    Mariah Carey!
    Joe Simpson!
    Snoop Doggy!
    Cindy Crawford!
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  • New Titles For Your Ultra Played Out Youtube Rap Video

    by Lukas Kaiser November 14, 2006
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  • Dorm President Concession Speech

    by Lukas Kaiser November 09, 2006
    Well it looks like the Democrats have won the House and the Senate. Many a tough battle was fought on the national stage this past Tuesday. There were also some tough battles fought locally. The Tripper Hall Dorm Presidential Election, for instance, was rather rough. But after several hundred dollars spent on the campaign trail, Jeff Chang has won. Here is the concession speech from his opponent, Tracy Williams: Dearest residents of Tripper Hall; Well, what a ride it has been. When I started running for Tripper Hall president, two weeks ago, I had a simple dream--get premium cable in the common rooms. And though I am conceding to my opponent, Mr. Chang, I will still fight vigilantly until you can watch HBO and Showtime, whenever you want...unless someone is already watching something else. My opponent, Mr. Chang, has promised free pizza at all floor meetings and I will make sure he sticks to his promise. If one floor meeting goes by without free pizza...well, there will be hell to pay. I'd like to close by positing the question...why not me? Why didn't you vote for me? I received ten votes, those ten most likely coming from my ten friends who live in Tripper (I would hope!) So why didn't more of you vote for me? Is it because of my misguided plan to ban the vending machine? Or...is it because of the now infamous "abortion sandwich" speech? I again apologize and am seeking counseling for my alcohol dependency. Anyways, I'll go now. I'm pretty busy this semester anyways. I've been seeing this guy, and I think I'm going to double major. Peace Out! Tracy Williams
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  • New Fraternity Community Service Projects

    by Lukas Kaiser November 09, 2006
    Frats aren't about partying, guys! Everyone knows people join frats for the sweet-ass community service projects they do. Here are some "ill" new community service projects you and the Brothers of your frat should try out: "¢Be A Street Vigilante: Your local police force understaffed? Campus cops a joke? Then grab a brew and a paddle and hit the streets to dole out some justice, fraternity style. Hey, that dude looks like a rapist--let's beat him within an inch of his life, like we did to that pledge two years ago. Oh wait...that's just the mailman. Sorry bro...but you should really shave that mustache. Hello? "¢Go To Iraq: Things sure are messy over in Iraq. You and the brothers should head over the the mideast...and clean house. Divide up into units and be ready to take on insurgents in hand-to-hand combat. You've got what it takes, bro! "¢Be A Veterinarian: There are a lot of sick animals out there, bro. You and the Brothers should heed the call to action and start saving those sick little creatures. Someone's got a sick hamster? Blow weed smoke on it! Someone's dog accidentally ingested a bottle of aspirin? Why, blow weed smoke on it, of course. Someone wants to put their ailing cat to sleep? Eff that, bro! Grab a bat and take that bitch-ass student out. Then grab the cat...and blow weed smoke on it! Look, he's twitching! He likes, he likes! "¢Start A Clothing Drive: Winter's comin' and it's gonna be a cold one, so rally the troops and start doin a clothing drive. So grab a box and start filling it with clothes! But clothing dudes is pretty...gay. Just clothe chicks...it's easy! Gather up all the panties that are strewn about the Frat house! Not enough to fill the box, bro? Throw a party! If you still don't have enough panties...check the top drawer of Tony's dresser. "¢Use a Time Travel Machine To Correct The Mistakes Of History: Pretty self explanatory. "¢Treat Yourself, FOR ONCE!! Boy you've been doing so much community service work. Don't you think it's time you treated yourself? Grab an ice cream cone! Catch a movie! Work on that novel you're writing, The Frat Mysteries! It'll be the most satisfying community service work you'll ever do.
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  • Hey, Everyone, It's...

    by Lukas Kaiser November 09, 2006
    You: Roll out of bed at noon. A Kid In India: Finishes making a bed in a factory at noon. You: Blow off English class. A Kid In India: Blows his life savings on English class. You: Catch some DVDs. A Kid In India: Catches some DVDs. Puts them in the back of his bike and transports them to the market, to be sold. You: Go to swimming practice. A Kid In India: Washes his clothes in a river. You: Call the friggin bank cuz you lost your credit card. A Kid In India: Fields customer service calls for an American bank. You: Pound back a couple brews and some beef ribs at that BBQ joint. A Kid In India: Pounds back a couple grains of rice he found in the garbage. You: Cry yourself to sleep because you've got no pussy since telling Suzanne you wanted to "play the field." A Kid In India: Starts making beds in a factory.
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  • What Does That Mean For Me? November 9th Edition

    by Lukas Kaiser November 09, 2006
    Here's a look at the week's biggest news stories...and what they mean for you, the typical college student/homeless guy using the internet at the public library. "¢Britney Spears files for divorce What that means for you: When you jerk off to Britney Spears, your fantasies don't have to include K-Fed's penis anymore. Don't have to, but still will, of course. "¢Reese Witherspoon files for divorce. What that means for you: If you want to be obnoxious at a party, listen to a couple people gossip about the details of Britney's divorce for like two minutes then interrupt them mid-sentence by yelling: "ALSO REESE WITHERSPOON GOT DIVORCED!!!" Though you're already pretty obnoxious, right? "¢A Governor attempting to vote on Tuesday was turned away from the voting booth because he forgot his registration card. What that means for you: When the gloating president of the campus Democrats starts trying to eff with you cuz you didn't vote, whip out this article. Then whip out a bread knife and cut off his white-boy dredlocks.
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  • Lame New Names For The Democratic Party That Fox News Correspondents Will Be Using Over The Next Two Years

    by Lukas Kaiser November 08, 2006
    "¢Demonazis "¢Democunts "¢Demo-can'ts "¢Dude-i-cats "¢Terrorcrats "¢Femocrats "¢Fagocrats "¢Your abusive Dadocrats "¢Lewinski-crats "¢Al Quedacrats "¢Friggin Dicks
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  • BREAKING NEWS!!

    by Lukas Kaiser November 07, 2006
    Breaking News Story: Britney Spears' impending divorce from Kevin Federline makes the "Breaking News" tab on CNN.com, on the day of the election. The tab is normally reserved for reports of terrorist activity or the death of a world leader.
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  • You Might Be Constipated...

    by Lukas Kaiser November 03, 2006
    Remember Jeff Foxworthy's "Might Be a Redneck" jokes? Well, I'm not a redneck, but I do come from a long line of constipated Jews, so... "¢If you've eaten seven meals and haven't taken a dump, your bowels are probably clogged! "¢If you're lactose intolerant and just ate two scoops of ice cream with no bathroom break in sight, your bowels are probably clogged! "¢If you ate a fist-full of clay...your bowels are probably clogged! "¢If you're currently using a butt plug...your bowels are probably clogged! "¢If you can taste poop in your mouth...your bowels are probably clogged! "¢If every time you fart, you hiccup...your bowels are probably clogged!
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  • Post Collegiate CH Reader

    by Lukas Kaiser November 02, 2006
    CollegeHumor.com has millions of readers. The majority are, quite obviously, college students. They're the "target audience," so to speak. But CH has many post collegiate readers as well. They're a great bunch and we love them oh so much, but I think it needs to be pointed out that the content on CH is a little...different through their eyes. CONTENT: Pictures of drunken chicks making out on top of a keg. TO A COLLEGE STUDENT: Sweet! This is just like that party I went to last week. TO A POST COLLEGIATE READER: Sweet! This is exactly how I picture my hot niece during masturbatory fantasies. CONTENT: Video of a guy lighting his own fart. TO A COLLEGE STUDENT: Oh man! I can't believe he actually did it! Gross! TO A POST COLLEGIATE READER: Damn! This guy has way more hair than me. CONTENT: Hotlink leading to a website dedicated to Go Bots. TO A COLLEGE STUDENT: Woah! I used to have those toys! TO A POST COLLEGIATE READER: Those are from 1985? I turned 20 that year. CONTENT: Video of the band OK GO dancing on treadmills. TO A COLLEGE STUDENT: Those guys are coordinated! Cool! TO A POST COLLEGIATE READER: God, I'm fat. CONTENT: Update by Lukas Kaiser TO A COLLEGE STUDENT: L-A-M-E!!!! TO A POST COLLEGIATE READER: I can't believe it! I've found a bigger loser than me! Shwing! That's still in, right?
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  • What Does That Mean For Me? November 2nd Edition

    by Lukas Kaiser November 02, 2006
    Once again we take a look at the biggest news stories of the week, and how they affect your life. "¢Kevin Federline's album, "Playing With Fire," dropped on Tuesday. What that means for you: Hey white guy who raps...yes, you sound like that. Retire the mic, my man.
    "¢In a speech he made on Wednesday, Senator John Kerry's failed attempt at a joke about Bush's stupidity in the end insinuated a lack of intelligence in the military, angering many servicemen around the country. What that means for you: The proof is in the pudding, folks...leave the jokes to the professionals, or you'll be murdered by the army.
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I was born in my mother's bed and she's blamed me for the mess ever...

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