Lukas Kaiser's Articles

I got an email from my sister the other night. The subject read “FW: David Copperfield…wow!” Oh, great, I thought. A lame email forward. But I obviously clicked on the email because it said David Copperfield. Because he’s an American hero and I support any and everything he does. What a champ.

But to my dismay, when I clicked on the email, as it turns out, my sister forgot to “include the attachments.” So she was just being a Copperfield cocktease, which is the worst kind there is. I was all geared up to scoff at a video of him making a major city disappear, or to giggle at his attempts to saw a flying lady in half, which he does rather well. Instead, I got to see a list of all the people my sister has in her address book. What a thrill.

People, this is very important. If you’re going to waste our time on the internet, have follow through. Include attachments. If you’re posting a video on Youtube and the description reads “Michael Jackson Thriller Outtakes,” it better damn well be outtakes from the video Thriller and not you and your damned comedy troupe dressed up as Jacko doing five minutes of impressions. And if I google Britney Spears Sex Tape, I better not see a flash animation of your dog dancing. Cuz I'll do a whois search, google map your ass and take the next bus out to whatever hick town you're from.

Us internet users, especially regular readers of popular sites like CollegeHumor and DoubleViking.com (got a plug in there, now visit) aren’t stunned observers at work. Those fools can be duped by your fake “viral” in which a girl who’s about to get married cuts off all her hair because she chose to not wash it with Sunsilk shampoo (how dare she). But we’re connoisseurs. And thusly, we demand a certain level of craftsmanship. If the video description reads “Ultimate Prank,” at least one person better end up in tears at the end of the video or it’s time you trade in your camera for an X Box 360 and leave the video making to those of us who’ve got the balls to at least show them on tape (if not put staples in them and give them papercuts).

And we’ve probably now been sending each other email forwards for close to 10 years…so if an attachment was included in the message you were given, let’s remember to include said attachment. Otherwise the chain is broken and you’ll be cursed for 40 years.

Guys, why didn’t any of you tell me about DeGrassi? It’s been on for like 20 years and it’s effing amazing. For those of you like me (aka idiots who aren’t in the know) DeGrassi is a Canadian TV show that takes place at a high school. The original version was the basis for 90210 and the current version, DeGrassi Next Generation, or something (might be called DeGrassi: New Class for all I know) is currently playing on the cable station Noggin.

So I literally dropped my remote the other day and somehow the buttons were pressed to change the station to Noggin right as an episode of DeGrassi was just beginning. And boy, was I in for a treat. The main calling card of DeGrassi (again for those of you who are perpetual boat-missers, like myself) is that every episode tackles a new “issue.”  After doing some research on the web (where else would I do my research) I found out they’ve dealt with school shootings in one episode (a nerd who gets covered in feathers during an academic decathalon brings a gun to school and shoots his friend and then falls onto his gun and kills himself), they’ve dealt with STDs (some skeez has his own Blow Job van where he has this hot virgin chick blow him so she can get her own bracelet he made her out of a pipe cleaner) and, in the episode I watched, they dealt with teen pregnancy.

But seriously, check this out. The guy who is the lead in the episode I saw was a straight nerd. Him and his nerdy friend go to some crappy Canadian movie and while at the popcorn concession stand, the main dude keeps insinuating he’s scored with his pretty ugly girlfriend (“I gave her a driving lesson…she sure did like the stick shift” and so on and so on).  His homely girlfriend overhears what he says and pours an entire large movie theater soda down his pants (which is amazing…I’m gonna try that sometime soon). Then he takes her aside and is like, what the hell is that for? And her response? “I’m pregnant.” “Wha…huh? How…how long have you known?” “Three months.”

Hahahaha! Oh man. That nerd got his ugly girlfriend pregnant. The funny and/or crazy thing is that this is exactly like what happened at my high school. The dude in my grade to have sex first was actually the biggest nerd. He was just smart/stupid enough to score with a total beast. I think she was deaf, actually. And that was pretty much the rule for our school…it seemed the nerds were having the most sex with each other. And a dude who was the chess champion, all state, who was like three years older than me, actually got his nasty girlfriend pregnant. He then proceeded to graduate from college in one year and is currently a professor in math. So who got the last laugh, hmm? Well, me…he still has to wake up next to a beast and he’s gotta put a considerable amount of the cash he makes towards raising his beast-child.

But guys, I’m off topic here. Why didn’t anyone tell me about this show? Why am I such an idiot? Next time, can you please tell me what’s cool? Are people still watching “The Hills,” or is that lame now? That’s pretty much what I have to say. Thanks dudes.