CollegeHumor: User 288's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1724239 Hey, If You’re Gonna Send Me A Lame Email Forward, At Least Remember The Attachment Sat, 24 Mar 2007 04:17:02 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1724239 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I got an email from my sister the other night. The subject read “FW: David Copperfield…wow!” Oh, great, I thought. A lame email forward. But I obviously clicked on the email because it said David Copperfield. Because he’s an American hero and I support any and everything he does. What a champ.

But to my dismay, when I clicked on the email, as it turns out, my sister forgot to “include the attachments.” So she was just being a Copperfield cocktease, which is the worst kind there is. I was all geared up to scoff at a video of him making a major city disappear, or to giggle at his attempts to saw a flying lady in half, which he does rather well. Instead, I got to see a list of all the people my sister has in her address book. What a thrill.

People, this is very important. If you’re going to waste our time on the internet, have follow through. Include attachments. If you’re posting a video on Youtube and the description reads “Michael Jackson Thriller Outtakes,” it better damn well be outtakes from the video Thriller and not you and your damned comedy troupe dressed up as Jacko doing five minutes of impressions. And if I google Britney Spears Sex Tape, I better not see a flash animation of your dog dancing. Cuz I'll do a whois search, google map your ass and take the next bus out to whatever hick town you're from.

Us internet users, especially regular readers of popular sites like CollegeHumor and DoubleViking.com (got a plug in there, now visit) aren’t stunned observers at work. Those fools can be duped by your fake “viral” in which a girl who’s about to get married cuts off all her hair because she chose to not wash it with Sunsilk shampoo (how dare she). But we’re connoisseurs. And thusly, we demand a certain level of craftsmanship. If the video description reads “Ultimate Prank,” at least one person better end up in tears at the end of the video or it’s time you trade in your camera for an X Box 360 and leave the video making to those of us who’ve got the balls to at least show them on tape (if not put staples in them and give them papercuts).

And we’ve probably now been sending each other email forwards for close to 10 years…so if an attachment was included in the message you were given, let’s remember to include said attachment. Otherwise the chain is broken and you’ll be cursed for 40 years.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-24 04:17:02 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1724238 Woah Guys, I Missed The Boat On DeGrassi Sat, 24 Mar 2007 04:01:58 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1724238 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Guys, why didn’t any of you tell me about DeGrassi? It’s been on for like 20 years and it’s effing amazing. For those of you like me (aka idiots who aren’t in the know) DeGrassi is a Canadian TV show that takes place at a high school. The original version was the basis for 90210 and the current version, DeGrassi Next Generation, or something (might be called DeGrassi: New Class for all I know) is currently playing on the cable station Noggin.

So I literally dropped my remote the other day and somehow the buttons were pressed to change the station to Noggin right as an episode of DeGrassi was just beginning. And boy, was I in for a treat. The main calling card of DeGrassi (again for those of you who are perpetual boat-missers, like myself) is that every episode tackles a new “issue.”  After doing some research on the web (where else would I do my research) I found out they’ve dealt with school shootings in one episode (a nerd who gets covered in feathers during an academic decathalon brings a gun to school and shoots his friend and then falls onto his gun and kills himself), they’ve dealt with STDs (some skeez has his own Blow Job van where he has this hot virgin chick blow him so she can get her own bracelet he made her out of a pipe cleaner) and, in the episode I watched, they dealt with teen pregnancy.

But seriously, check this out. The guy who is the lead in the episode I saw was a straight nerd. Him and his nerdy friend go to some crappy Canadian movie and while at the popcorn concession stand, the main dude keeps insinuating he’s scored with his pretty ugly girlfriend (“I gave her a driving lesson…she sure did like the stick shift” and so on and so on).  His homely girlfriend overhears what he says and pours an entire large movie theater soda down his pants (which is amazing…I’m gonna try that sometime soon). Then he takes her aside and is like, what the hell is that for? And her response? “I’m pregnant.” “Wha…huh? How…how long have you known?” “Three months.”

Hahahaha! Oh man. That nerd got his ugly girlfriend pregnant. The funny and/or crazy thing is that this is exactly like what happened at my high school. The dude in my grade to have sex first was actually the biggest nerd. He was just smart/stupid enough to score with a total beast. I think she was deaf, actually. And that was pretty much the rule for our school…it seemed the nerds were having the most sex with each other. And a dude who was the chess champion, all state, who was like three years older than me, actually got his nasty girlfriend pregnant. He then proceeded to graduate from college in one year and is currently a professor in math. So who got the last laugh, hmm? Well, me…he still has to wake up next to a beast and he’s gotta put a considerable amount of the cash he makes towards raising his beast-child.

But guys, I’m off topic here. Why didn’t anyone tell me about this show? Why am I such an idiot? Next time, can you please tell me what’s cool? Are people still watching “The Hills,” or is that lame now? That’s pretty much what I have to say. Thanks dudes.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-24 04:01:58 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1720253 CDs You're Too Scared To Admit You Like On Facebook Tue, 20 Feb 2007 19:29:37 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1720253 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> When going through the Facebook most popular music section, by school, you'll see some overlaps...everyone seems to love the Beatles. A lot of college kids like The Shins and Modest Mouse and, most importantly, Dave Matthews Band. But there are some CDs I know are in your regular rotation that you're just too scared to admit you own and thus won't list on the favorite music section of your Facebook profile. You coward. Well, I'm blowing the lid clear off your secrets...because, though you don't list these CDs, I know you own 'em...and listen to them every day.

Here goes.

•"Vol. 3-The Life And Times Of S. Carter" by Jay Z.


This is the one with Big Pimpin on it. It's okay that when your roommates aren't around you strip down to your underwear, put this song on and pretend you're "pimpin." No one's watching...and if they were, they'd approve. (loser)

•"The Sign" by Ace Of Base:


When I was down in the Caribbean this summer, there was this amazing reggae band playing some cool songs I had never heard before. Then they started playing this really really sweet ass song that seemed so familiar but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. Was it some Bob Marley deep cut? Maybe something by Peter Tosh? No...it was "Don't Turn Around," by Ace Of Base. It was then I realized they are one of the most under-appreciated acts of the 90s. And I know there are some true fans still out there who have this CD on their ipod, but to hide their shame they've retagged all the tracks as some Beck bootleg instead. For shame.

The song "Hey Ya" by Andre 3000:


Dude, best song of the decade thus far. You've got the mp3, if not the CD. Just because it was in the playlist at your nana's 80th birthday party doesn't mean you have to feel embarrassed you like "Hey Ya." It's just that good.

•"What's The Story, Morning Glory" by Oasis:


The hits on this CD are tremendous. And it's funny...this is actually seen as a classic in every other country. But here? If you were caught listening to Oasis in 2007 you'd probably be tarred and feathered. Doesn't change the fact that "Don't Look Back In Anger" is an amazing song...and that she really was my wonderwall. Why did she have to dump me?

•"All Eyez on Me" by 2pac:


This one is shocking to me. It opened at #1 and it's since gone diamond. Sooo many of you have to be listening to this CD. Why the hell won't you just admit it? Wait...Oh dag! I know why...it's because you're afraid you're gonna get caught up in that East Coast/West Coast beef and possibly catch a spray bullet, right? Yeah...I feel you. Good call.

"Mellow Gold" AKA Beck's First Album:


Here's you, talking to your friend "Oh dude, did you hear the information yet? Amazing...sort of like Guero approaches to a Sea Change soundscapre!" Here's the song playing in your head while you're talking: "I'm a Loooser Baby, so why don't you kill me?!" Yes, Loser was a gimmick song. It had lyrics in Spanish even, which was a tell tale sign of a mid 90s gimmick (i.e. the Macarena and the I'm Too Sexy Spanish Remix). But regardless, it was probably Beck's catchiest song. And you like it. So stop fronting.

•"Music From The Motion Picture Titanic" featuring Celine Dion: This one's for the ladies. You're all about early Liz Phair and Regina Spektor right now. But even though you claim your indie roots dig deep, there was a time when Titanic was the #1 movie and #1 soundtrack in the country. And as all the news reports told us, the primary driving force behind this phenomenon were girls in middle school. Which would mean YOU, college girls. So, I don't think I'm insinuating too much when I make the claim that...let's say...80% of you own this CD. Sure, about half of you threw it away or lost it at camp. But that other half of you? Your heart still goes on. Now just admit it to your friends and we'll all feel a whole lot better, won't we?

•"Live Through This" by Hole:


This is actually an amazing CD. Probably because it was ghostwritten by Kurt Cobain. And it was a BIG CD too. I mean, it came out like a week after Cobain eightysixed himself. Anyways, I've looked, people. No one lists Hole as one of their favorite bands. This can't be true. A few of you Smashing Pumpkins fans must be peeping Hole at least once a week. So list them, for God's sake.

•"It's Dark And Hell Is Hot" by DMX:


I know you list playing acoustic guitar as your favorite pastime, but remember back in middle school when you and your friends used to go rollerblading by the creek and then have freestyle rap competitions? This CD was your theme song then. And quietly, it still is. Please list it on Facebook.

•"Even Worse," "Running With Scissors," and "Bad Hair Day" by Weird Al Yankovic


It's cool again to say you like Weird Al...as long as it's that "White And Nerdy" song. Anything beyond that is "shunned." Well, you know what, these CDs made you laugh in grade school and they're still making you laugh today...damnit. Don't be ashamed.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-20 19:29:37 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706820 Young Adult Reading All Growns Up Fri, 17 Nov 2006 00:49:52 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706820 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-17 00:49:52 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706816 Christian Themed Dorm Room Posters Thu, 16 Nov 2006 22:07:35 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706816 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-16 22:07:35 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 26 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706813 Justify Your Major!!! Telepsychcokinetics Thu, 16 Nov 2006 18:22:18 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706813 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Jared studies Telepsychcokinetics. Let's see if he can Justify His Major! Lukas: Is this jared? Jared: Yea. Lukas: so what's your major? Jared: Real major...or the one I made up? Lukas: Better choose, Jared! better choose. Jared: Well the more interesting of the two is Telepsychcokinetics. Lukas: What is that? Jared: The study of how the brain reacts to external elements. Lukas: Who cares about that though? Jared: Young intoxicated freshman females... Lukas: Works for me. Your major is justified. Can you justify your major? Hit me up at lukaskaiser@gmail.com to find out.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-16 18:22:18 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706792 Justify Your Major!!! Thu, 16 Nov 2006 02:40:46 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706792 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Some of yall out there are studying some random ass stuff. So I'm asking yall to Justify Your Major. First up, Randall Blevins, a Jazz Performance Major LUKAS: So Randall, justify your major. RANDALL: Cool, my man. So we all must agree, society's pretty crazy these days, yeah? LUKAS: Uhm...sort of, I guess... RANDALL: Just agree, my man...for the sake of the argument. LUKAS: Gotcha. Society's screwed up. RANDALL: Right. And so we need culture to make us feel better. That's where Jazz Performance comes in. LUKAS: But jazz doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel like I'm at the dentist. RANDALL: Well, you're just not cultured, my man. LUKAS: I'm not? RANDALL: I mean...you don't like jazz, man. LUKAS: Sure don't! Looks like Randall failed to justify his major. Will you have more luck? Hit me up at lukaskaiser@gmail.com and see if you can JUSTIFY YOUR MAJOR!!
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-16 02:40:46 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706790 But What Does That Mean For Me? Nov 16 Edition Thu, 16 Nov 2006 00:42:03 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706790 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Once again, here's the week's biggest news stories, and how they translate to your lives. It's sort of like "The Daily Show" if "The Daily Show" was written by a non-functioning illiterate pervert currently on house arrest. OJ Simpson has written a book about the Nicole Brown Simpson/Ron Goldman murders called "If I did it..." explaining how he would've commited the murders _had_ he done it. What this means for you: Hmm...I guess OJ did it. Looks like you're gonna have to give up your "Looking for the real killers" hobby. A man who was violently assaulted during his arrest is set to be freed-mostly thanks to the arrest being videotaped and placed on YouTube. What this means for you: If you in a Frat, go easy, bro. Don't beat the pledges with shit-covered dictionaries too hard...they might have cameras on them. Trent Lott has been welcomed back to a leadership position in the Republican Party What that means for you: See, dude...in a few years, no one is gonna remember that whole "I hate Asian" speech you made. It'll allll blow over. Uhm, anyways, have a good day. I...gotta run. I can't be seen with you, you racist dick-head. Lines to purchase the PS3 had formed as early as November 9th, despite the system not scheduled to be released until this Friday. What this means for you: If you're reading this, you're not going to be getting a PS3 anytime soon. Congratulations, you're not crazy. Tara Reid is hot again. What this means for you: Tell your dad to stop cheating--if Tara Reid can get hot again, so can your mom. Jacko's back. What this means for you: It might be time for your little brother to start hanging out inside the house from now on. So he doesn't get skin cancer from UV rays, of course. Oh, also cuz you don't want him to get molested by Michael Jackson!!! Just kidding. Jacko didn't do it. So what if he accurately describe Jacko's penis. Does he know what it tastes like? No? I rest my case. Microsoft has released their "iPod killer," Zune, to disappointing reviews. What this means for you: Zune's good, Zune's bad, whatever. Your Dell mp3 player is still friggin' LAAAAAAMMMMME!!! Both John McCain and Rudy Giuliani have both announced their hopes to run for President in 2008 What this means for you: Hey there, big guy. Are you a Senator? No? Aw. Are you a Mayor of a major US city? Not that either? 'K. So, when your mom said you could be president...she was, like, lying, right? Yeah. Just making sure we were on the same page...you know, about your mom being a huge liar and all. She's a whore too. A big, sweaty, lying whore.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-16 00:42:03 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706767 Video Games No One Is Nostalgic For Wed, 15 Nov 2006 13:15:22 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706767 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> We can't get enough of Mario, Zelda, Pong...you know, the classics. But just because a video game is old doesn't mean it's good. Here are some old video games that no one is nostalgic for:
"¢Dragon's Lair Often called the most successful arcade game of all time, Dragon's Lair is patently terrible. This horrid "video game" wasn't even a video game at all. It was a cartoon that you paid money in an arcade to watch.
"¢Sewer Shark Who else made the mistake of buying Sega CD? Then you'll be one of the other 10 people who will recall this game, which came with the system. All I remember is that you piloted a ship that went in the sewer and a guy kept yelling "Oh! You're tube steak!" every time you died.
"¢Bonk! If you had the Turbo Graphics 16, you were either a millionaire or your uncle molested you and to make up for it went and bought you a Nintendo, but you already had a Nintendo, as well as a Sega, so you exchanged it for a Turbo Graphics 16. And Bonk! comes with the TG16. Weird how accurate I am, right?!
"¢Anything featuring Batman Any video game featuring Batman is bad. But it's not so bad that it's good, like the ET game. Because then you'd be nostalgic for it. Just a nice even toned, Miller Lite sort of bad.
"¢Leisure Suit Larry Too bad "sex" games didn't take off. I'm sorry, did I say "too bad?" I meant, "it's good."
"¢Eternal Champions "Mommy, why won't they release Street Fighter for Genesis?" "I don't know, Billy. But here...play Eternal Champions while you wait." You get the idea. But also, the characters are like witches and lions and shit.
"¢Night Trap Like Dragon's Lair, but set in a slumber party. And, oh yeah, there's rape.
"¢Jaws 3D Liars. The game's not 3D. It just comes with 3D glasses that do nothing.
"¢World Heroes They must've assumed Capcom would stop making versions of Street Fighter 2 for the SNES after a while. WRONG!
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-15 13:15:22 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706735 Albanian Celebs!! Tue, 14 Nov 2006 11:45:59 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706735 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Take a look at what your favorite celebrities would look like if they were Albanian! Will Ferrell!
Mariah Carey!
Joe Simpson!
Snoop Doggy!
Cindy Crawford!
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-14 11:45:59 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706734 New Titles For Your Ultra Played Out Youtube Rap Video Tue, 14 Nov 2006 10:54:56 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706734 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-14 10:54:56 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706636 Dorm President Concession Speech Thu, 09 Nov 2006 16:44:01 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706636 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Well it looks like the Democrats have won the House and the Senate. Many a tough battle was fought on the national stage this past Tuesday. There were also some tough battles fought locally. The Tripper Hall Dorm Presidential Election, for instance, was rather rough. But after several hundred dollars spent on the campaign trail, Jeff Chang has won. Here is the concession speech from his opponent, Tracy Williams: Dearest residents of Tripper Hall; Well, what a ride it has been. When I started running for Tripper Hall president, two weeks ago, I had a simple dream--get premium cable in the common rooms. And though I am conceding to my opponent, Mr. Chang, I will still fight vigilantly until you can watch HBO and Showtime, whenever you want...unless someone is already watching something else. My opponent, Mr. Chang, has promised free pizza at all floor meetings and I will make sure he sticks to his promise. If one floor meeting goes by without free pizza...well, there will be hell to pay. I'd like to close by positing the question...why not me? Why didn't you vote for me? I received ten votes, those ten most likely coming from my ten friends who live in Tripper (I would hope!) So why didn't more of you vote for me? Is it because of my misguided plan to ban the vending machine? Or...is it because of the now infamous "abortion sandwich" speech? I again apologize and am seeking counseling for my alcohol dependency. Anyways, I'll go now. I'm pretty busy this semester anyways. I've been seeing this guy, and I think I'm going to double major. Peace Out! Tracy Williams
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-09 16:44:01 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706634 New Fraternity Community Service Projects Thu, 09 Nov 2006 16:17:06 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706634 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Frats aren't about partying, guys! Everyone knows people join frats for the sweet-ass community service projects they do. Here are some "ill" new community service projects you and the Brothers of your frat should try out: "¢Be A Street Vigilante: Your local police force understaffed? Campus cops a joke? Then grab a brew and a paddle and hit the streets to dole out some justice, fraternity style. Hey, that dude looks like a rapist--let's beat him within an inch of his life, like we did to that pledge two years ago. Oh wait...that's just the mailman. Sorry bro...but you should really shave that mustache. Hello? "¢Go To Iraq: Things sure are messy over in Iraq. You and the brothers should head over the the mideast...and clean house. Divide up into units and be ready to take on insurgents in hand-to-hand combat. You've got what it takes, bro! "¢Be A Veterinarian: There are a lot of sick animals out there, bro. You and the Brothers should heed the call to action and start saving those sick little creatures. Someone's got a sick hamster? Blow weed smoke on it! Someone's dog accidentally ingested a bottle of aspirin? Why, blow weed smoke on it, of course. Someone wants to put their ailing cat to sleep? Eff that, bro! Grab a bat and take that bitch-ass student out. Then grab the cat...and blow weed smoke on it! Look, he's twitching! He likes, he likes! "¢Start A Clothing Drive: Winter's comin' and it's gonna be a cold one, so rally the troops and start doin a clothing drive. So grab a box and start filling it with clothes! But clothing dudes is pretty...gay. Just clothe chicks...it's easy! Gather up all the panties that are strewn about the Frat house! Not enough to fill the box, bro? Throw a party! If you still don't have enough panties...check the top drawer of Tony's dresser. "¢Use a Time Travel Machine To Correct The Mistakes Of History: Pretty self explanatory. "¢Treat Yourself, FOR ONCE!! Boy you've been doing so much community service work. Don't you think it's time you treated yourself? Grab an ice cream cone! Catch a movie! Work on that novel you're writing, The Frat Mysteries! It'll be the most satisfying community service work you'll ever do.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-09 16:17:06 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706628 Hey, Everyone, It's... Thu, 09 Nov 2006 01:28:20 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706628 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> You: Roll out of bed at noon. A Kid In India: Finishes making a bed in a factory at noon. You: Blow off English class. A Kid In India: Blows his life savings on English class. You: Catch some DVDs. A Kid In India: Catches some DVDs. Puts them in the back of his bike and transports them to the market, to be sold. You: Go to swimming practice. A Kid In India: Washes his clothes in a river. You: Call the friggin bank cuz you lost your credit card. A Kid In India: Fields customer service calls for an American bank. You: Pound back a couple brews and some beef ribs at that BBQ joint. A Kid In India: Pounds back a couple grains of rice he found in the garbage. You: Cry yourself to sleep because you've got no pussy since telling Suzanne you wanted to "play the field." A Kid In India: Starts making beds in a factory.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-09 01:28:20 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706624 What Does That Mean For Me? November 9th Edition Thu, 09 Nov 2006 00:21:06 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706624 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Here's a look at the week's biggest news stories...and what they mean for you, the typical college student/homeless guy using the internet at the public library. "¢Britney Spears files for divorce What that means for you: When you jerk off to Britney Spears, your fantasies don't have to include K-Fed's penis anymore. Don't have to, but still will, of course. "¢Reese Witherspoon files for divorce. What that means for you: If you want to be obnoxious at a party, listen to a couple people gossip about the details of Britney's divorce for like two minutes then interrupt them mid-sentence by yelling: "ALSO REESE WITHERSPOON GOT DIVORCED!!!" Though you're already pretty obnoxious, right? "¢A Governor attempting to vote on Tuesday was turned away from the voting booth because he forgot his registration card. What that means for you: When the gloating president of the campus Democrats starts trying to eff with you cuz you didn't vote, whip out this article. Then whip out a bread knife and cut off his white-boy dredlocks.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-09 00:21:06 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706605 Lame New Names For The Democratic Party That Fox News Correspondents Will Be Using Over The Next Two Years Wed, 08 Nov 2006 15:04:19 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706605 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> View Article ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-08 15:04:19 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706577 BREAKING NEWS!! Tue, 07 Nov 2006 16:34:33 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706577 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> CNN.com, on the day of the election. The tab is normally reserved for reports of terrorist activity or the death of a world leader.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-07 16:34:33 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706577">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706448 You Might Be Constipated... Fri, 03 Nov 2006 04:06:06 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706448 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Remember Jeff Foxworthy's "Might Be a Redneck" jokes? Well, I'm not a redneck, but I do come from a long line of constipated Jews, so... "¢If you've eaten seven meals and haven't taken a dump, your bowels are probably clogged! "¢If you're lactose intolerant and just ate two scoops of ice cream with no bathroom break in sight, your bowels are probably clogged! "¢If you ate a fist-full of clay...your bowels are probably clogged! "¢If you're currently using a butt plug...your bowels are probably clogged! "¢If you can taste poop in your mouth...your bowels are probably clogged! "¢If every time you fart, you hiccup...your bowels are probably clogged!
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-03 04:06:06 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706396 Post Collegiate CH Reader Thu, 02 Nov 2006 03:43:23 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706396 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> CollegeHumor.com has millions of readers. The majority are, quite obviously, college students. They're the "target audience," so to speak. But CH has many post collegiate readers as well. They're a great bunch and we love them oh so much, but I think it needs to be pointed out that the content on CH is a little...different through their eyes. CONTENT: Pictures of drunken chicks making out on top of a keg. TO A COLLEGE STUDENT: Sweet! This is just like that party I went to last week. TO A POST COLLEGIATE READER: Sweet! This is exactly how I picture my hot niece during masturbatory fantasies. CONTENT: Video of a guy lighting his own fart. TO A COLLEGE STUDENT: Oh man! I can't believe he actually did it! Gross! TO A POST COLLEGIATE READER: Damn! This guy has way more hair than me. CONTENT: Hotlink leading to a website dedicated to Go Bots. TO A COLLEGE STUDENT: Woah! I used to have those toys! TO A POST COLLEGIATE READER: Those are from 1985? I turned 20 that year. CONTENT: Video of the band OK GO dancing on treadmills. TO A COLLEGE STUDENT: Those guys are coordinated! Cool! TO A POST COLLEGIATE READER: God, I'm fat. CONTENT: Update by Lukas Kaiser TO A COLLEGE STUDENT: L-A-M-E!!!! TO A POST COLLEGIATE READER: I can't believe it! I've found a bigger loser than me! Shwing! That's still in, right?
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-02 03:43:23 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706394 What Does That Mean For Me? November 2nd Edition Thu, 02 Nov 2006 03:32:06 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706394 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Once again we take a look at the biggest news stories of the week, and how they affect your life. "¢Kevin Federline's album, "Playing With Fire," dropped on Tuesday. What that means for you: Hey white guy who raps...yes, you sound like that. Retire the mic, my man.
"¢In a speech he made on Wednesday, Senator John Kerry's failed attempt at a joke about Bush's stupidity in the end insinuated a lack of intelligence in the military, angering many servicemen around the country. What that means for you: The proof is in the pudding, folks...leave the jokes to the professionals, or you'll be murdered by the army.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.5d11f7e83eb1c29f10dfa0bff81496a1.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-02 03:32:06 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:288">Lukas Kaiser</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1236"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 6 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />