• 11:28 PM, Thursday Night: Order the new Triple Meat Explosion Pizza from Pappa John's. Take last bite at 11:59.
• 12:00-8:00 AM: Sleep, waking only once to urinate.
• 8:00 AM: Shower solemnly and refrain from washing,touching, or thinking about your genitalia. If there's one day to feelguilty about having genitalia, it's on Awesome Friday. Just think howgood things will feel tomorrow, too, now that you're giving yourself aday off for once.
• 8:15 AM: Use the day of mourning as an excuse to wearyour awesome black Styx T-shirt that everyone always gets a kick outof. Don't tell people you actually love Styx.
• 8:30 AM: Make a batch of Hot Cross Buns for the entire hall to enjoy, but eat them all yourself.
• 9:30-10:30 AM: Abstain from watching Sportscenter inremembrance of Jesus' hatred for the New York Yankees. Instead, watchbass fishing on ESPN2. Jesus loved fish.
• 10:00 AM: Skip your first class to watch The Passion ofthe Christ. Turn it off after a half hour when you realize you'restarting to not like your Jewish roommate anymore.
• 11:00 AM: Head to church for Around the World Stationsof the Cross. At each station, a different alcoholic beverage is servedto coincide with the event in the particular station: for example, atthe first station where Jesus is condemned to death, take a "Death Bed"shot, mixing 1/2 oz white tequila,1/2 oz Aftershock Hot & Coolcinnamon schnapps, and1/2 oz sambuca. Or, when Jesus meets His motherin station four, drink a Virgin Daiquiri.
• 12:00 PM-3:00 PM: This is traditionally thought of asthe time when Jesus died on the cross and should be commemorated withsilence and contemplation. Pass out in the church for exactly threehours, wake up feeling refreshed but a little sick at 3:01.
• 3:02 PM: Make a run for the front door and DO NOT throwup in the Holy Water. The bushes outside are fine. You'll see a mess ofHot Cross Buns.
• 5:00 PM Go to the cafeteria for dinner. Don't eat anymeat, gelatin, or veggie burgers"the first two are in respect of Jesus'death, but the veggie burgers is because I'm pretty sure I saw thatcook pick his nose while making them. Desserts are fine, so gorge onice cream.
• 6:00 PM - 9:00 PM: Do whatever you normally do before the night's events, but only enjoy it half as much.
• 9:30 PM: Head out for a party, still wearing your StyxT-shirt. Try to get with someone by explaining you're "Upset becausesomeone important to you died today."
• 12:01 AM, Saturday morning: Stumble home and finish offthe leftovers from last night's pizza and then enjoy guilt-freemasturbation.         

After a one week hiatus due to some turkey-related obligations, The Morning After Pushing Daisies is back! Sorry to all who looked for a recap of last week’s episode “Smell of Success.” All you need to know is Olive got Aunts Lily and Vivian to swim again and wore a SUPER HOT mermaid costume herself. I scoured the Internet for a screenshot, but came up dry until a comment below directed me to the source. Scroll down for some sweet Olive cleavage. Also, the gang solved a murder along the line and PeeWee Herman was the guest star.

What did we learn this week? Molly Shannon sure knows how to play crazy! Olive may have room in her gigantic chest for another man! Chuck can actually solve crimes! Lars isn’t the only guy who has invented himself a real girl! Ned doesn’t like standing up to bullies! Seinfeld’s Banya still gets occasional work! The town ain’t big enough for a candy shops and Pie Hole!

What did we learn this episode? Emerson likes gangsta-ass women! Dogs can be cloned! Coffee will kill you! Ned wants two women (but really only one)! The cutthroat world of dog breeding is murderous! Polygamy rules!

The Case: Renowned dog breeder and polygamist Harold Hundin’s coffee is poisoned by one of his four sexy wives. The PieCrew must assemble and investigate the wives to figure out which one killed their husband while not talking about the kiss between Ned and Olive that occurred the previous week. Also, there’s some crap about the perfect dog bred from a lab, collie, penguin, and oyster cracker or something. The dog’s name is Bubblegum. One of the wives is framed, a rival dog breeder gets killed, but justice prevails.

This Week’s Case: Someone is going around murdering jockeys. Olive hires Emerson to investigate. It turns out the murders are attributed to John Joseph Jacobs, who was killed during a race and now seeks revenge from beyond the grave on the jockeys who trampled him to death, including Olive. Meanwhile, Ned deals with his own ghost while trying to come to grips with how his father abandoned him on Halloween twenty years earlier for a new life, and Olive threatens to reveal Chuck’s secret to Aunts Vivian and Lily. Rated C for extensive cleavage.

What did we learn this episode? Digby is a genius! Pigeons can be gay! Bake Zoloft and cheese into a pie for a great combination! Amputee sex has reached the mainstream! Special effects are expensive! Ned is crazy jealous!

Ah, the second date. The jitters are out of the way, we admit we like the girl, and it’s down to business to see if we’re –really- going to like her or not. Thus begins the second episode of Pushing Daisies.

What did we learn in this episode? Binging and purging is fun! Japanese people love crashes! People can break out into song for no reason! Body condoms can be sexy! In make-believe land, cars can run on flowers! Big black guys knit, too! Chuck is still dead but can die again! Dogs like salt!

The pilots for TV shows are a lot like first dates. On a first date, you present a version of yourself that is really you without any flaws. You wear your best outfit, clip those obnoxious nose hairs, shave your back and, if you’re a guy, do crazy things like cleaning your car or spending way more money than you normally do (“Lobster? Sure, sounds good!”). The real challenge of any TV show or relationship is to get beyond the first episode/date with something that makes you appealing.

That’s why I usually tend to reserve judgment about shows and girls until I get to know them a little. If a girl or show can still look good at the lowest point, say after an all-night session of drinking and Clue that ends with me doing her, with my friend, in the bathroom (my friend is Colonel Mustard, by the way), then I can proclaim said girl or show good. In other words, “Pushing Daisies” is that girl who is great on a first date.

• Leaving flowers on her car while she’s at work.

• Writing her a love poem.

• Planning a surprise party.

• Buying a teddy bear whose chest reads “I wuv u!”

• Lighting candles in her bedroom and waiting for her wearing only a smile.

• Giving her a coffee tin full of your ear wax.

• Shaving her initials into your pubic hair.

• Painting a picture of her using only blood and feces.

• Taking her literally when she says she hates her parents; killing them.

• Finding her dead from an apparent poisoning when, in fact, she’s only pretending to be dead, but killing yourself by drinking poison just the same due to the anguish.

• MySpace Display Names: Here’s a quick and easy way to spot possible sex offenders. Most predators don’t hide their true desires very well; beware of names like IHeartKiddies, WhiteVanDriver, CandyMan, DakotaFanningClub, and WhyDidHaleyJoelOsmentHavetoGrowUp.

• General Interests: This requires detective work worthy of . Look through your friends’ interests for anything fishy like “stalking youngsters” or “meeting really, really young friends.” Remember, if likes are listed as “children” and “porn” but are non-sequential, they’re probably okay.

• 
  Specific Interests: If your friend lists The Wiggles as a like in either music, television, or live performances, please contact the local authorities as soon as possible as it’s likely they're either a sex offender or guilty of incredibly bad taste. Either way, they should be locked up immediately.

• Moustaches: Everyone knows few non-sex offenders who aren’t named Magnum P.I. sport moustaches anymore. Look through your friends for any lip fur coats—chances are, these people are sex offenders. The thinner the moustache, the worse the sex offender. Come to think of it, didn’t Magnum’s butler have a pretty thin moustache?

• 
  Trojan Magnum Condoms: Tommy Lee
• Prison Strength Preparation H: Paris Hilton
• Big Earl's Horse Sedatives: Robin Williams
• PuppyScream Brand Home Neuter Kit: Bob Barker
• Career Placement Services: Pauly Shore
• Coppertone Albino-Strength Sunscreen: Bryce Dallas Howard
• Osco Crazy Pills: Tom Cruise
• American Association for the Preservation of Little, Weird-shaped Baby Teeth: Kirsten Dunst