Dear Journal,

I'm sad to report that this month has been a turbulent month rife with airline woes and cell phone company hold-music. But this time I'm not taking it. So, much like John Stossel of ABC news, I've decided to do something about it.

It all started when I flew back to New York City from the Bahamas- unfortunately my bags decided to take a different flight. After 6 days of close quarters, they had had enough of me and decided to spend some time in Pittsburgh. Now- let me just take a moment to discuss this- and I don't want to get down on the airlines. Everyone makes mistakes. But for some reason, the airlines make more mistakes than the national average and don't seem concerned. Let's say you lose your buddy's duffel bag. You might say, "Sorry bob- I lost your duffel bag." The airlines have a completely different approach. They say "Bob- I lost your duffel bag" and then continue a personal cell phone call they were having with their "boo." In this case, my bags had my apartment keys in them, which wasn't smart. But I wasn't planning to use them during the flight. I hadn't planned to show them off to the other passengers- "Hey ladies! Look who's got an apartment!"� So when they told me they lost my bags, I got real quiet and angry-like as though I were going to do something about it. Then I remembered. "Oh wait, I can't. They're an airline." And besides, it could have been worse. I was with my brother Joe and he had his keys- and his apartment has a floor. So I curled up on a nice chunk of floor, fetal positioned with a box of Fig Newtons and called it a day.

Then I got back to New York, settled in, and dealt with everyday business, not the least of which was my new cell phone that doesn't receive phone calls, which in my opinion, is the 1st or 2nd most important function of a phone. So I called the company and what I've noticed is when you call cell phone companies, it's like talking to a therapist. No real answers, just an understanding ear.

I'm like "Hi, um. My phone doesn't receive calls."

And they're like "wow. That sounds really hard"¦how does that make you feel?"

"It makes me feel awful because I like getting calls."

"I bet."

"Well- what are you going to do about it?"

"The question is, what are you gonna so about it?"

And scene.

Cell phone companies creep me out, because they always make you choose a "plan-" and it's not like if you don't go according to plan, they're cool with it. It's like 500 anytime minutes for 60 bucks- and if you go over that, we punch you in the crotch. The problem is that there's just these 5 huge companies. There's no mom and pop cell phone operations like "Jack and Erma's magic phones!" So I've decided to something about it. I'm officially opening my own cell phone company, Mike Birbiglia's Magic Phones. At Mike Birbiglia phones, you get 1000 anytime minutes and 200 minutes of phone sex with a stranger. And on the phone itself, instead of the number 9 is the word "pizza." The other thing about Mike Birbiglia phones is that we're an airline. And our number one priority is making sure we have Mike Birbiglia's luggage on the correct plane, because at Mike Birbiglia's Cell Phones and Airline, we care about Mike Birbiglia's luggage, just as much as we care about phone sex and pizza. And that concludes this week's entry in my Secret Public Journal. Thanks for reading.