Dear Journal,

This week I'm performing at college orientations in Indianapolis and Salt Lake City. Every year around this time I'm asked to perform at these kinds of things and I'm always surprised because I barely graduated from college, now all of a sudden I'm some kind of expert. Well, I'm here today with some mildly useful advice, and I'm prepared to present it in list form.

1. Know the difference between "campus police"� and "police."�

Police carry guns. Campus police carry flashlights and sometimes water bottles. If the police show up, immediately declare yourself the "sober white one at the party"� and you're just there for Andy's birthday.

2. Go to your classes, at least sometimes.

So often in my life I will know something like the acronym for an obscure disease or the geopolitical makeup of a nation in South America and I'll think, "I'm glad I went to 1/8th of my classes in college."�.

3. Know the genre of college you're attending and adjust your behavior accordingly.

At some Christian colleges, you can get expelled for drinking a beer. Meanwhile, there are some small liberal arts colleges in Vermont that will expel you for not sharing your weed with the dean.

4. When choosing your courses, remember, not all -ologies are the same level of difficulty:

Biology: Hard!

Sociology: Easy

Psychology: Call the college in advance and ask if it's hard or easy.

5. Be aware of when your roommate is in the room:

My first week in college I had that conversation on the phone with my parents about my roommate while my roommate was standing right there and I had to answer that series of yes and no questions about the roommate. "Does he smell like olives?"� "Yes."� And then I had to change up my code language. They were like "Is he hard to live with?"� And I'd go "Let's go there. Let's do that."�

6. It's okay to go a little wild on spring break, but don't sign any releases handed to you by cameramen.

7. If you're uncomfortable around women and minorities, join a fraternity.

8. The people you meet in your 1^st two weeks are not friends.

They are the people you'll be making fun of in the 3^rd and 4^th weeks.

9. For the girls: Don't feel like you have to sleep with the 1^st guy who makes a pass at you on your floor. That guy is a loser. The 2^nd guy is way better.

10. For the guys: You never had a girlfriend in high school, so you think you will now? The good news is, you will. The bad news is, your new girlfriend has never had a boyfriend.

11. You don't have to pretend you're in an 80s college movie. This isn't Old School or Animal House. It's more like Revenge of The Nerds where your goal is to gain the acceptance of the Greek council by writing an elaborate rap song about nothing.

12. Whatever you do, don't join an a capella singing group.

If you do accidentally join one of these groups, make sure to kill yourself and everyone in the group.

13. Don't assume everyone has friends but you.

Dear Journal,

I'm sitting on a plane back from Canada: home of the neutral and annual site for the Montreal Comedy Festival, one of the biggest comedy festivals in the world, where TV network executives and tourists share cases of Labatt's Blue while enjoying some of the hottest emerging comics in the industry today, as well as some comedians from Canada.

It was a return visit for me. I had come 5 years ago and a lot of things have changed.

5 years ago, I came and no one knew who I was. This year when I came to Montreal no one knew who I was"”but I drank more. I did a show hosted by a very famous drag queen comedian named Dame Edna, someone whom everyone seems to have heard of except me. As it turns out, Dame Edna has not heard of Mike Birbiglia either, because she mispronounced my name 3 different ways. Apparently, she HAS heard of Mark Barbagula, Matt Birbuglio, and Mike Bahuglia, all hilarious comedians in the drag queen community.

At this point, I'm used to the people messing with my name. I'm also used to having conversations with people in the TV industry who throw out a lot of generalizations. My manager introduced me to this guy he works with. And the 1^st thing the guy says to me is "I think we may be able to do a Seinfeld thing with you,"� which was fine, except that he hadn't even seen my act. It's like meeting a guy who's holding a pencil and saying, "I think we may be able to do a Shakespeare thing with you."�

My saving grace was that I brought my brother Joe. When you're a socially awkward comedian, it's always best to surround yourself with even more awkward family members. That way it's apparent that it's actually genetic. So we're at the hotel bar and I see a comedian who I've worked with before and he happens to be black. And I introduce him to Joe and the first thing Joe says is, "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Isaiah Thomas?"� Let me just say on record that I hereby put a ban on all white people telling a black person they've just met what other black person they think he looks like. Best case scenario, the black person in question says "yes"� and you stand in a momentary awkward silence. Worst case scenario, they say "no"� and you stand in a momentary "ambiguously racist"� silence. Then Mike excuses himself to order a round of drinks, including a long island ice tea for himself, a coffee for Joe, and a glass of Courvoisier for the Isaiah Thomas-looking gentleman on the end of the bar.

All in all, Joe and I had a great time. If you haven't heard me mention Joe before, he's what my family calls "America's Guest."� because he always shows up on your best vacations, stays in your hotel room, and sells the hotel robe on EBAY. So Joe was my companion in exploring Canadian culture. And let me just say, Canadians make great strippers. I also learned that not all stereotypes about Canadians are true. I'd always heard that Canadian people are friendly, love Americans, and sell cheap Lipitor. While they are friendly, I'm not sure they love Americans. A lot of the Canadian comics made jokes about Americans being pugnacious, lacking manners, and having poor education. To this I say, "Nuh uh, Canada. Say that one more time and I'll fart in your soup."�

So I'm heading on. Back to New York City and then on to Columbus Ohio. I had some good shows here. Met some nice people. I hope that guy is right. I hope I do have my own TV series, and it'll star me and the comedian who may or may not look like Isaiah Thomas. It'll be called"¦"Bahuglia."� And that concludes this week's entry in my secret public journal.