Dear Journal,

I just got back from Texas and I couldn't get over how many "Don't mess with Texas" bumper stickersthere were. I was like, "Excuse me, Texas - I had no intention ofmessing with you." And they're like, "But you were gonna." And I waslike, "Nuh uh." And they were like "Yea huh!" It seems to me thatGeorge Bush used this logic when devising his foreign policy. It's likehe showed up in the Middle East and was like "Don't mess with theU.S.!" And they were like, "We weren't going to." And he was like, "Butyou did." And they were like, "That's our cousin - we don't even stay in touch with him anymore."

So I'm back in New York now and I can't seem to stopwatching the lead up to the presidential primaries, I think becauseit's on every channel all the time every second of the day- with theexception of Fox news, which has done a great job of thoroughlycovering the Natalee Holloway case and K-Fed's hip hop and modeling career. I tend to think that people just vote for the candidate who serves their own selfish needs. Like if there was a candidate who could get the smell of cat pee out of my couch, I would vote for that candidate.

On the Republican side my favorite candidate is Mike Huckabee, partly because of the Chuck Norris adwhich is hilarious and partly because I've been meaning to go to churchfor a while and I always watch the state of the union address, so Ifigure I could kill two birds with one stone.

Rudy Giuliani kind of scares me. I kind of feel like Rudy thinks 9/11 is his birthday.He gets that excited look on his face and buys himself a cake andlights two candles and watches them burn down. And then he looks aroundand says, "What do I get?" And his advisors are like "$15 million inspeaking fees!" and he's like, "That's even better than last 9/11!"
Mitt Romney is like a presidential candidate from asci-fi thriller. Like the character who never stops smiling butsecretly has that Terminator 2 robot skull. Jon Edwards always getsflack for his 400-dollar haircut, but I feel like he might donate one of those haircuts to Romney, so Romney might look less like a Ken doll. Romney's hair looks so much like Kenit makes you feel like if you pulled down those neatly pressed pantsyou might see Ken's smoothed-over private parts. Maybe that'd be goodfor the White House. He'd be like, "I am not able to have sexualrelations with that woman."

Which brings us to Hillary, who I like but I'vealways been annoyed by - partly because I like Bill so much and I feellike she's been cock-blocking this guy for like 30 years. C'mon Rodham- Let a player play!I feel people resist Hillary because they fear she'll do crazy womanstuff like order wreaths for Christmas in August, so she tries to actlike a man, which makes people nervous that she'll do crazy man stufflike invade Iran, and they're not sure they should vote for a blackcandidate because he might do crazy black people stuff like writecatchy songs that tell bitches to "get out the way."One of Hillary's campaign managers got caught trying to smear Barackfor drug use he talks about in his own book. That's like trying tosmear Tom Hanks for doing Bosom Buddies. Let's focus on the fact thathe saved Private Ryan!

actually did a fundraiser for Barack Obamathis week. It's the first time I had ever done anything like that. ButI'm not endorsing him - because I feel like if I endorsed him he'dlose, or at least come in third and trip over his shoelaces. But Iperformed at the fundraiser because he doesn't take money from privateinterests. I don't know much about politics, but that seems like apretty admirable thing. Plus, he offered to get the pee smell out of my couch.

TODAY!

MEDIUM MAN SONG RELEASED ON iTUNES!

Dear Journal,

I don't think Texas likes me.

This week I'm finishing my 3-month tour. It was going to end with shows in Pasco, Washington and Seattle. Pasco is possibly the smallest town I've ever played. I flew into the airport and I was looking out the window as we landed and for miles and miles there was absolutely nothing. And then there was a runway. I was like, "How did they decide to put it there?" I think at some point someone was flying a plane west and finally said, "Park it anywhere." And after he landed, he drew the lines and built a Cinnabon.

Places are like people, some shine and some don't

I had planned to drive from Pasco to Seattle after my show, but when I mentioned this to a few locals they told me that this wouldn't be possible because you have to drive through a mountain pass that was closed due to snow. And I was like, "That's not a pass. That's a fail." So I was trapped in Pasco.

The whole thing reminded me of The Shining, where the caretaker of the mansion can't get to Shelley Duvall and her child because the pass is closed and it's not until something like this happens that you realize that everyone in Pasco looks like Jack Nicholson in The Shiningand you start steering clear of kitchens and bars and elaborate shrubbery that is also a maze.

So at the last minute I booked a flight out of Pasco, downed a couple Cinnabons, and flew to Seattle, where I had my best show of the tour. I've spent a lot of time in Seattle over the years and a lot of people came out and Auggie Smith was my secret guest and we all got a standing ovation and then I drank one beer and Auggie drank 10 and I went to bed and Auggie passed out in an alley.

It felt great and this is where the tour should have ended.

Secret shows: a little too secret?

Throughout the tour I had received emails from people in Dallas and Austin complaining that I had neglected Texas, so at the last minute I added secret shows in those cities, but it's not turning out like when Prince adds secret shows. It's more like when Arby's adds a new secret sauce to their fixins' bar. It's that level of excitement.

The amount of people in the audience might just be the amount of people who had emailed me personally. Which means that it's not my fault. It's my fans' fault for not having that many friends.

Yesterday, I flew into Austin and when we were landing and we looked to the right we could see Waco and to the left we could see Crawford-so on our right was the biggest mistake of the Clinton presidency and on the left was the biggest mistake of any presidency. We rented a Toyota Matrix-so it's possible none of this stuff even happened-and we headed to the hotel-and the whole time I couldn't stop thinking, "Why doesn't Texas like me?"

It's a culture war, and they've got the guns

Maybe I'm just not a Texas kind of guy. Last night in Austin there was a guy in the audience wearing a cowboy hat and boots. So I asked him if he was a cowboy and I warned any Indians that might be in the audience that he was there.

I asked this guy if he wrangled cattle, and he said no.

And so I asked him, "Do you have guns?"

And he said, "Yeah."

And I asked, "For what?"

And he said, "For show."

And I said, "What do you have for ˜tell?'"

And then he told me to keep telling jokes, and I did, because he had a gun.

Let's do this, JR

So now I'm on my way to Dallas, and I'm wondering what would happen if I hired illegal immigrants to be audience members in my show? It might feel like a hollow victory because they would have no idea what I was talking about. It'd be like performing for a room full of my parents.

So tonight I'm in Dallas playing the second to last show of my tour, and you know, Journal, I'm hoping the people who emailed me make friends. Fast. Or perhaps convince strangers that Mike Birbiglia is a lot like Prince. And not a lot like horsey sauce.