This week my email went out about my fall tour. I'm playing 16 cities in September and October leading up to my off-Broadway debut- but here's the problem: my emails go into a lot of people's spam filters. And I noticed this, because my email goes into my spam filter. I feel like spam filters are like power-trippy bouncers who get carried away. They're like, "Look - lotta emails - not a lot of room in the inbox! Right now we're only taking emails from hot girls and famous people." But getting put in my own spam filter is like being bounced from my own birthday party.  I wanna be like, "It's cool. I'm with me."

Dear Journal,

A few weeks ago I was asked to perform at the first annual Nantucket Comedy Festival. As part of the festival they held a roast of the classic comedy duo Stiller & Meara. Now as you know journal, I've never been much of a roaster. Roast comedy is almost like it's own genre. People walk on stage and they're like, "Nice shirt, queer!" and everyone's like, "It's so true! His shirt does suck! I'm from Jersey!"

I was stressed out about coming up with roast jokes, but I threw some together, walked on stage and said:

"When I was asked to be part of the roast of my favorite comedy duo, I said, 'Of course, I'd do anything for Nichols and May.' But then he told me that it was actually Stiller & Meara but it's in Nantucket and we'll put you up at a fancy hotel and I said, 'Ok, well, maybe their son Ben will be there - I mean he used to make to good movies.'

We've just entered the season of summer, which is my favorite time to go to escapist films like "Indiana Jones and the case of the strange-and-never-explained-alien-skulls." I saw Indiana Jones this week and found it to be misleading to aspiring archeologists. They show up to their first day of work with their whip and they're like, "Where's the cavern of jewels?" And their boss is like, "Actually, today we're gonna start off by dusting thousands of miles of nothing"

But the thing I admire about Indy movies is the conviction and sense of self that Indy has. He's an archeologist and an overly trusting action hero and he's ok with that. Indy's always like, "My long lost friend with a glass eye and a black suit needs a hand locating a crystal scepter that turns people into sand? Sure I'll help, that sounds like it's totally on the level!"

I'm not so sure I'm as comfortable in my own skin.

I make outdoor festivals even more awkward

I've been off the road for three weeks now and I'm getting a little antsy. This week I went to Applebee's in Times Square to remind me of what it's like on the road. I have a great allegiance to chain restaurants, and I know that's not the cool stance, but in my travels I've found that the greasy spoons of this country often have greasy spoons.

Last week my friend Shelly had a children's themed karate and pizza birthday party, and it was amazing- EXCEPT they cut the pizza slices in half like when you were a kid. Even as a kid I did not fall for this. I was like, "Yeah, I want the regular human being-sized slice, not this cocktail party appetizer version. Why don't you get your cheap ass back in the station wagon, Mrs. Hargrove, and pick up a decent amount of pizza?"

Pizza Math = Hard

This week iTunes gave me my very own celebrity playlist which is very exciting because it gave me the opportunity to impress my girlfriend. Now don't get me wrong, Journal, I know my girlfriend loves me for the right reasons but every once in a while when we're watching "Bret Michael's Rock of Love" I see this subtle look in her eye that if she had the chance to run off with the wig-wearing former lead singer of Poison, she might just take that offer. Now I don't mean any disrespect to the man who wrote the lyrics "Every Rose Has Its Thorn...Yea it does" but I feel a little threatened by him, so in subtle ways I try to impress my girlfriend, but it always seems to backfire.

I just returned from Los Angeles where I shot a TV pilot for CBS.

What's a TV pilot?

Well, no one's really sure, but my best explanation is that it's a sample episode of what a TV series would be. It's like the first batch of pancakes where you decide, "These are going to be some good pancakes," or, "Let's not make pancakes."

I brought my brother Joe, of course, because he loves pancakes and tends to come along for almost anything. I also brought my girlfriend and another friend who's also a personal trainer and nutritionist to help me cut down on how "pudgy and awkward" I am. It turns out eating spinach salads for every meal helps cure pudginess-but not awkwardness. As Popeye once said, "I yam what I yam!"

I just got back from performing at Penn State University, home to a made-up holiday called "State Patty's Day." Apparently, because St. Patrick's's day usually falls on spring break, and the students at Penn State didn't want to miss out on a holiday dedicated to binge drinking, they invented another one. However, this year St. Patrick's Day didn't fall on a their spring break, so they're celebrating both State Patty's Day (which does not exist) and St. Patty's Day (which exists). Penn State students are nothing if not inventive, and great at peeing their names in the snow.

As soon as I arrived on campus I knew this fake holiday was a red flag and so I picked up their newspaper The Daily Collegian and the headline read "Victim Takes Partial Blame." I thought that was a little vague, so I read on and discovered that there has been a widely discussed event on campus where a drunk driver hit a drunk walker. And I thought, "Maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more." Maybe if they drank less they might be able to name their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would name this last article, "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety Drunk I'm So Drunk."

We did watch some good things like the entire box set of Freaks and Geeks and repeat viewings of my favorite Talking Heads concert film Stop Making Sense - which eventually started making sense.

Robots love Vermont

So after two weeks, my first venture back into the world was a trip to Middlebury College in Vermont and I made the mistake of listening to my satellite navigation machine for directions. Now, to give you a little background my brother Joe bought me the navigator with my own money and he keeps it at his house, usually in his car. Every time I want to use it I have to pick it up from his house which is difficult because his house is hard to find, so I could really use that navigator I'm going to pick up.

I just got back from Texas and I couldn't get over how many "Don't mess with Texas" bumper stickersthere were. I was like, "Excuse me, Texas - I had no intention ofmessing with you." And they're like, "But you were gonna." And I waslike, "Nuh uh." And they were like "Yea huh!" It seems to me thatGeorge Bush used this logic when devising his foreign policy. It's likehe showed up in the Middle East and was like "Don't mess with theU.S.!" And they were like, "We weren't going to." And he was like, "Butyou did." And they were like, "That's our cousin - we don't even stay in touch with him anymore."

So I'm back in New York now and I can't seem to stopwatching the lead up to the presidential primaries, I think becauseit's on every channel all the time every second of the day- with theexception of Fox news, which has done a great job of thoroughlycovering the Natalee Holloway case and K-Fed's hip hop and modeling career. I tend to think that people just vote for the candidate who serves their own selfish needs. Like if there was a candidate who could get the smell of cat pee out of my couch, I would vote for that candidate.

On the Republican side my favorite candidate is Mike Huckabee, partly because of the Chuck Norris adwhich is hilarious and partly because I've been meaning to go to churchfor a while and I always watch the state of the union address, so Ifigure I could kill two birds with one stone.

Rudy Giuliani kind of scares me. I kind of feel like Rudy thinks 9/11 is his birthday.He gets that excited look on his face and buys himself a cake andlights two candles and watches them burn down. And then he looks aroundand says, "What do I get?" And his advisors are like "$15 million inspeaking fees!" and he's like, "That's even better than last 9/11!"
Mitt Romney is like a presidential candidate from asci-fi thriller. Like the character who never stops smiling butsecretly has that Terminator 2 robot skull. Jon Edwards always getsflack for his 400-dollar haircut, but I feel like he might donate one of those haircuts to Romney, so Romney might look less like a Ken doll. Romney's hair looks so much like Kenit makes you feel like if you pulled down those neatly pressed pantsyou might see Ken's smoothed-over private parts. Maybe that'd be goodfor the White House. He'd be like, "I am not able to have sexualrelations with that woman."

Which brings us to Hillary, who I like but I'vealways been annoyed by - partly because I like Bill so much and I feellike she's been cock-blocking this guy for like 30 years. C'mon Rodham- Let a player play!I feel people resist Hillary because they fear she'll do crazy womanstuff like order wreaths for Christmas in August, so she tries to actlike a man, which makes people nervous that she'll do crazy man stufflike invade Iran, and they're not sure they should vote for a blackcandidate because he might do crazy black people stuff like writecatchy songs that tell bitches to "get out the way."One of Hillary's campaign managers got caught trying to smear Barackfor drug use he talks about in his own book. That's like trying tosmear Tom Hanks for doing Bosom Buddies. Let's focus on the fact thathe saved Private Ryan!

actually did a fundraiser for Barack Obamathis week. It's the first time I had ever done anything like that. ButI'm not endorsing him - because I feel like if I endorsed him he'dlose, or at least come in third and trip over his shoelaces. But Iperformed at the fundraiser because he doesn't take money from privateinterests. I don't know much about politics, but that seems like apretty admirable thing. Plus, he offered to get the pee smell out of my couch.

TODAY!

MEDIUM MAN SONG RELEASED ON iTUNES!

Places are like people, some shine and some don't

The whole thing reminded me of The Shining, where the caretaker of the mansion can't get to Shelley Duvall and her child because the pass is closed and it's not until something like this happens that you realize that everyone in Pasco looks like Jack Nicholson in The Shiningand you start steering clear of kitchens and bars and elaborate shrubbery that is also a maze.

It's a culture war, and they've got the guns

And I asked, "For what?"

Let's do this, JR

This week the A-Team van got its first parking ticket. I was furious. I was like, "You can't give the A-Team a parking ticket! I pity the fool who gives the A-Team van a parking ticket!"

But we did not get a speeding ticket. I think because anytime the van goes over 60 it starts shaking and making noises like it's bearing a child. I think if it did have a child, I bet it would be the General Lee from Dukes Of Hazzard.

But we didn't get lost this week because we got that talking satellite navigation machine. I find that the voice inside that machine is like an overbearing girlfriend. She doesn't accept the fact that I can't drive 14 hours without getting off the road for a crispy chicken sandwich. She's like, "Turn left, turn around, you are going away from the highway." I'm like, "Look, navigator baby, I got needs."

Sometimes my navigation girlfriend gets so irrational, she doesn't even acknowledge that there are solid objects in front of us. We pulled up to the theater in Charlotte and she was like, "Turn left." And I was like, "There's a building." And she was like, "I don't care, turn left." And I was like, "I don't want to turn left." And she was like, "I'm smarter than you." So I'm parked halfway up the curb, my van is about to give birth to K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider and my navigator girlfriend says, "You have arrived."

That's what the satellite says whenever you get somewhere: "You have arrived." And I enjoy compliments. So I'm always like, "Why thank you, satellite girlfriend! Maybe I have arrived!"

The tour is coming to a close. My CD is out, taped the TV special, and the other day I started thinking, "Are all these stories where I make awkward situations more awkward going to come to an end because I've learned my lesson?"

Then we showed up at Rider University and that question was promptly answered. I was on stage and I said, "I went to a funeral and they handed out Kleenex at the beginning of the funeral which I thought was cocky." As I said these four girls got up from the middle of the auditorium and left and after they left I asked someone in the audience, "Did someone recently die?" and the girl said, "Actually, 8 people recently died." And I was like, "Oh nooo." So at this point what I should have said was nothing. What I did say was, "How did they die?"

After we went through the 8 deaths, I told some stories about my own brushes with death (of which I've had many) and I feel like by the end of the show we had come to an understanding. And I was proud of myself. I thought, "What better purpose could there be for comedy than bringing up painful experiences and then finding a way to laugh about it?"

That's when I thought, "You have arrived."

I'm sitting at restaurant called Cheddar's. A few minutes ago, I ordered a cheeseburger and asked for cheddar because, you know, it came to mind. And the waiter says, "We don't have cheddar." And I said, "What?!" And he said, "I know it may sound crazy because our name is Cheddar's." And I said, "No, it's not crazy. It's unacceptable."

It seems like none of these chain restaurants live up to their names. Applebee's doesn't serve apples. Chili's doesn't serve chili peppers. And Denny's doesn't serve black people.

So I'm sitting here waiting for my non-cheddar Cheddar's burger and I'm listening to a rap song called "This is why I'm hot." The song boasts lyrics like, "This is why I'm hot" and, "This why I'm Hot" and, "this is why, this is why, this is why I'm hot." This of course is the anthem of someone who must not be hot. If you have to say it it's probably not true.

"This is why I'm pudgy, this is why I'm awkward...

This is why this is why this is why I'm p'awkward.

I'm pudgy cause I eat- I'm pudgy cause I'm fat.

I eat a lot pizza then I stuff it in your hat.

I'm also awkward too. I'll make fun of your zoo.

I think that it's genetic cause my brother's awkward too.

This is why this is why this is why I'm p'awkward."

And then I thought, "Oh no, maybe I'm a jackass also?"

Maybe Bob and Tom are jackasses and so am I and so is Auggie?

Maybe we're all part of this cornucopia of jackasses and I'm a mini-pumpkin, Auggie's a squash, and Bob & Tom are a pair of gourds and together we represent abundance? Many shows later I started to understand that Auggie isn't a jackass, just an aloof drunk. And he's a really nice, hilarious person, and maybe, just maybe, if he hears this journal entry he'll be a secret guest on my tour.

And if he does, I'll buy him a cheeseburger. With cheddar. At Fuddruckers. And it'll be hot. And together, we'll be p'awkward.

Thanks for the amazing Secret Public Relocation photos. People have sent me photos of themselves putting CDs in bathroom stalls, under a ferret, driving a car, lifting weights, and lying on a “High School Musical 2” pillow.

This morning I’m flying out to Los Angeles. Every morning I have to wake up for a flight there’s a moment where I think, “Am I going to make it?” “What happens if I don’t make it?” and, “I don’t think I’m going to make it.” I think because historically a lot of times I haven’t made it. I’ve even been the guy banging on the glass that the plane shouldn’t leave without me. Not because my true love is on the plane and she’s off to start a new life in Paris, but because I have shows at 8 and 10:30 at Penguins Comedy Club in Cedar Rapids.

I’m flying to L.A. to host the finals of Comedy Central’s “Open Mic Fights”— a contest for new comedians. Ten years ago I entered this contest and made the semifinals. I lost to a great comedian who’s now my friend named Eugene Mirman. I remember thinking at the time that he was a lucky one-hit son-of-a-bitch and the network was a fraud- but it’s all water under the bridge now because I was able to carve out a career as a comedian and the network gave me my own tour. If I weren’t a comedian, Eugene would still be an undeserving son-of-a-bitch and the network would still be a fraud.

Every week I get MySpace messages from people who want to know how to be a comedian and it’s not a simple answer because I think the first ingredient is that you need to be delusional. The first year or two or eight are filled with such intense failure that you have to convince yourself that your failure is actually success. Otherwise you wouldn’t get on stage the next night. You’d just think, “Human beings don’t like me.” Because standup’s not like being in a play where if it doesn’t go well, people can say, “We didn’t like the costumes or the script.” If standup comedy doesn’t go well it’s a room of 200 strangers thinking, “We don’t like YOU.” You’re like, “Heh, surely you must have had a problem with the lighting or the sound.” And they’re like, “No, we’re pretty sure it was YOU. We don’t like your ‘PERSONALITY.’”

The first time I was paid to perform comedy a guy named John offered me $50 to perform for 30 minutes. At that time I only had 11 minutes of comedy but I said, “Sure.” I drove to Fat Tuesdays, which wasn’t a comedy club. It was bar with a “comedy night.” Though the definition of comedy club is very nebulous. Comedy club just means there are 8 X 10 photos of comedians on the wall. They don’t even have to be comedians. They could just be your friends. I showed up at Fat Tuesdays and was enamored by all these 8 by 10s adorning the walls. These guys must be hilarious. That man must truly be the “one man tornado of comedy.”

A few minutes later I’m backstage—which was just the sidewalk of a strip mall – and I’m terrified because it’s occurring to me that their expectation of my 30-minute comedy set will definitely not be met. I’m holding a 3 by 5 note card with 6 topics. But what I’m realizing is that these topics are really only 6 jokes. I think in my head I thought that I’d go on stage and just start riffing on the topic.

I had drawn check mark next to the topics that would definitely get laughs and a double check next to the ones that were sure thing A+ slam dunk joke all-stars….