Well, today marks the day that a digitally animated robot becomes the best actor in Hollywood. Let's see what the rest of these no talent clowns have been up to while a cartoon successfully out-acts them.

Matt Damon got hella fat! Well, just for a part, but still. He looks like a straight-up child molester. Related Tangent: how weird would it be if Matt Damon went by Matthew Damon instead? Matthew Damon and Benjamin Affleck. Weird, right? Just me? Cool. (WWTDD)

Speaking of Benjamin Affleck, it looks like there might be trouble in MarriageLand, USA for him and his wife, Jennifer Gardner. I'll give you one hint why - it starts with 'their daughter' and ends with 'looks like a gremlin.' Also, I can't help but compare this picture with this picture. (IDLYITW, WWTDD)

Amy Winehouse was diagnosed with the early stages of emphysema this week, which finally, FINALLY seemed to get through to her. Thank God. She waited until she was in the parking lot to light up instead of in the waiting room like she normally does. I'm just so damn proud of her. (Celebslam)

This week in Hollywood was about as exciting as The Love Guru was funny, but that movie got made, and so must this column. Please direct all negative comments to Mike Myers. I'm sure he's not tired of hearing them yet. (NY Times)

First and foremost, Jamie Lynn Spears (Britney's sister) had a baby this week. The baby came out already pregnant, just to save the Spears family 16 years of suspense. (IDLYITW)

Steve Gutenberg went apesh*t on some paparazzi this week, and we have the epic pictures to prove it. Move over, Chuck Norris, I have a new hero. Steve Gutenberg teeth are so white, when he smiles at blind people they see God. (Celebslam)

A voicemail leaked this week from Charlie Sheen to ex-wife and mortal enemy Denise Richards, in which Charlie calls Denise the n-word. Don't worry, Charlie. Steve Gutenberg doesn't recognize race, either. From his POV we are all a color similar to magenta that he has dubbed 'fantastaberry.' (DListed)

Linda Hogan is dating a 19-year old dude who looks like her son, and the Hulk is dating a 20-something chick who looks like his daughter. Just another f*cked up day in Hollywood! Here's a quick recap of the week's best celebrity insanity. (DListed, CelebSlam)

Ashlee Simpson stepped out this week flaunting the best part of being pregnant - big boobs! Second best part? All the free stuff. Third is the baby. Oh wait, I forgot about those sweet jeans with the stretchy waistband. THEN the baby. (Egotastic)

And while we're on the subject, check out Halle Berry's gravity-defiers. Somewhere in heaven, Isaac Newton is sobbing over his sham of a life. (WWTDD)

Kurt Cobain's ashes were stolen from Courtney Love this week, who kept them safe in a pink teddy bear. In other news, someone out there is officially crazier than Courtney Love. (Celebslam)

Hand-holding. The most harmless part of a relationship, right? DEAD. WRONG. Hand-holding is a dangerous craft, and how you execute it says more about your relationship than you'll ever know.

	The Interlock The ultimate hand-hold. Confucious once said, "the truest sign of love is whether or not your finger pits touch when you hold hands." He also said "you will probably stop watching The Simpsons after the 9th season," so you know he's wise as hell.
	The Bread Basket You're committed, but you're not having sex. Why? Because this hand-hold is lame. Stop holding hands like a grandmother. And if you're dating your grandmother, well, then, I guess it's okay. But YIKES.
	2 in the Pink A single-digit hand-hold, really? That's the best you can do? This isn't a teenage girl hand-slapping game. Claim that hand! Claim it like Sacajawea claimed the Louisiana Purchase! Right?
	The Chinese Greeting What the f*ck are you doing? Do you even know how to hold hands? This must be so uncomfortable for both of you, seriously. Just stop it. Stop everything.