News broke this week that Hugh Hefner broke up with long time girlfriend Holly Madison. Poor Hef, right? Now he's stuck with only those other two girlfriends he had, plus two new girlfriends, 19 year old twin Playboy models Kristina and Karissa Shannon. He must be a broken man. A broken 82 year old man having sex with 19 year olds. (IDLYITW, Egotastic)

OJ Simpson was found guilty this week of armed robbery, armed kidnapping, armed burglary, assault with a deadly weapon, conspiracy and not knowing when to quit. (Celebslam)

Halle Berry was named the 'Sexiest Woman Alive' by Esquire this week. 'Sexiest Woman Dead' went to Martha Washington. (Egotastic)

Girl fight! This week Madonna publicly slammed Sarah Palin at two of her concerts, telling her to 'get off my street' and imitating the 'sound of Sarah Palin's husband's snowmobile when it won't start'. In related news, Madonna doesn't know how insults work. (WWTDD)

This week, Kim Kardashian tried to dash any plastic surgery rumors by posting this picture of herself online. Because clearly it's better to be fodder for a million creepy internet pedophiles than let a few people believe you had Botox. (WWTDD)

But enough about those fake, worthless public figures, let's talk about celebrities!

Let's start this off right with a little Winehouse, shall we? This week, Amy punched a fan in the face because she was 'startled' by all the 'flashbulbs.' Which sounds like a sign they would have outside the monkey cage at the zoo. It's official: Amy is so messed up she is actually devolving. (DListed)

Heather Locklear was arrested this week of a suspected DUI (which turned out to be false). Upon further investigation, it was discovered that the 'witness' who had called police was actually a bitter former Us Weekly employee, who then tipped off paparazzi of the imminent arrest. Holy crap, right? I'm as shocked as you that anyone would actually care that much about Heather Locklear. (IDLYITW, CelebSlam)

But never fear, Heather, everybody knows celebrities are above the law anyway. This week we learned that neither Kayne West (charged with vandalism) nor Shia LaBeouf (charged with a DUI) will face any consequences for their actions. Damn you, OJ 2.0. This is all your fault. (DListed, WWTDD)

Let's start the show!

All sorts of girls are getting slutty in Hollywood this week. First, Aubrey O'Day talked masturbation habits to Complex Magazine, and then while out and about Mischa Barton let her nip slip not once, but twice. Why every man in the world has not moved to Hollywood by now is beyond me. (Egotastic, Hollywood Tuna)

And on full boner patrol this week was the one and only Megan Fox. In GQ magazine this week, she talks about a lesbian relationship she once had with a stripper, and why it's perfectly acceptable to grab her boyfriend's crotch in public. Somewhere a bunch of scientists are congratulating themselves for successfully creating the perfect woman robot. (Egotastic, IDLYITW)

This week Rumer Willis revealed that she had a crush on teen heartthrob Ashton Kutcher around the time he started dating her mom, Demi Moore. Which isn't weird at all. What IS weird is that she also had a crush on Bruce Willis. (CelebSlam)

Britney Spears hosted a birthday party for her sons this week at a friend's mansion. K. Fed was not in attendance, as he was busy trying to convince a poker dealer to let him bet 'two small children' on the next hand. What I want to know is, who the hell took these pictures? I'm pretty sure this guy. (WWTDD)

Now on to more important news - Kayne West got arrested, people! The rapper was charged with vandalism after grabbing a paparazzo's $10,000 camera in LAX and slamming it against the ground. In Kayne's defense, the paparazzo was totally not using red eye reduction. (IDLYITW)

This week Jessica Simpson was performing on Good Morning America when an unfortunate gust of wind turned her into Marilyn Monroe. Except, instead of white panties there were no panties and instead of a cute butt there was a weird granny butt. Sexy! (Egotastic)

This Friday, rapper Lil Wayne bailed on a scheduled performance because he refused to allow security to check his bag. I'm sure there was nothing shady in there or anything. Lil Wayne just wants his privacy respected. And his bag of guns. (DListed)

Speaking of which, we currently have a legit MILF running for Vice President. Sure her retarded son might not be hers and her 17-year-old unwed daughter is knocked up, but hey, whose isn't? Plus, Tiny Fey can rest easy knowing a Lifetime movie role is coming her way in about 10 years. (DListed)

But enough of this politics stuff. Did you know Harry Potter lost his virginity on the set of the first Harry Potter movie to a crew member considerably older than him? No, not Richard Harris. Although that image plus this one starts to conjur up a pretty wild night. TALK ABOUT MAGICAL. (WWTDD)

This week David Duchovny checked into rehab for sex addiction. Apparently he decided that he spent an unhealthy amount of time looking at internet porn. While in rehab, he's also being treated for 'being a man' and 'breathing.' (IDLYITW)

INT SCHOOL HALLWAY.  Kyle is at his locker, wearing a varsity lacrosse jacket. His girlfriend, Becky, the hottest girl in school, stands next to him, standoffishly.

Kyle: So, about prom. Do you want to go in the limo with the guys, or do you want me to borrow my mom's Benz?

Becky: Listen, Kyle. We have to talk. I'm gonna go with Connor.

Kyle: Connor? That scrawny guy in your Woodworking class?

Becky: Yup, he's the one. He appreciates my sense of humor and remember that time you said you were going to come see my play and you didn't?

Kyle: I know, I had to pick up my grandmother from-

Becky: Well, he came. And brought me a bouquet of flowers carved out of wood.

Kyle: I thought you hated lame stuff like that.

Becky: I do. But I appreciated the effort.

Kyle: I mean, I can make you some flowers if you want.

Becky: It's too late. I love Connor now, and we're going to stay together when we go off to separate colleges.

Kyle: You LOVE him!? But you just-

Connor: Hey Becky.

Becky: Hey Connor!

Becky kisses Connor in front of Kyle. Kyle turns to leave before they can see him cry. Avril Lavigne's 'Complicated' begins to play.

Principal Wilkinson: Not so fast, Mr. Wiseass. I saw that drawing of me that you xeroxed and threw down the middle of our school's inexplicably spiral staircase.

And twenty bucks says you just made one of these faces. Moving on? (Celebslam)

So remember that Indian guy from The 40 Year Old Virgin? Not the little funny one, the other one. Yeah, him. Well Sunday night he broke into his ex-girlfriend's house and, finding her there with another dude, grabbed a knife and stabbed her 20 times. No bigs. So yeah, what did you guys do last weekend? (WWTDD)

Rumors hit this week that we may have seen the last of parties at the Playboy mansion. Police have received numerous complaints about the late night noise from cranky elderly neighbors who sound suspiciously like Hugh Hefner. (WWTDD)

This week, China announced they are suing Sharon Stone over controversial comments she made earlier this year regarding the devastating Chinese earthquake (she said the Chinese had it coming because of their poor treatment of Tibetans). Their compensation request? One billion dollars. Spoiler alert, China: no. (Celebslam)

Now that the gross boobs are out of the way (yuck!), lets get to the good stuff.

Things are beginning to look up for Britney Spears - rumors are flying this week that Quentin Tarantino is looking to cast her in his next film. Said Britney Spears wearing a wig and a nametag that said 'Quntin Tarrintino': "Yes, that is 100% true." (IDLYITW)

Everybody's favorite porn star Jenna Jameson announced this week that she's knocked up by ultimate Fighter Tito Ortitz. Her eggs must be so excited! Until now they've felt like the fat girls at a high school dance - sperm are always walking by but never ask them to dance. (IDLYITW)

The Heath Ledger investigation was officially closed this week after 8 months of investigation. Guess what they concluded? Nothing! Our tax dollars at work, people. (WWTDD)

Despite that, the Mary Kate Olsen connection just gets shadier and shadier. She was supposed to testify as the first person called about the death, but refused to do so without immunity, and then ended up not testifying at all. Really? If this was CSI: Miami, there would be some serious dramatic sunglass removal going on. (IDLYITW, DListed)

The big news this week is the fall from grace of wonderboy Shia LaBeouf. Shia was driving drunk at 3am on Saturday when his truck hit another car and flipped completely over. He was rushed to the hospital for hand surgery, while his passenger and the other driver suffered minor injuries. Although the 'cops' decided it 'wasn't his fault,' he's still being charged with misdemeanor DUI. Twenty bucks says he won't even get stuck doing community service.(WWTDD, DListed)

Don't worry, though, he'll still be getting beat up. Turns out the passenger in his car, drunk at 3am on a Saturday night was none other than Adrian Grenier's girlfriend. Oh what a tangled web they weave. Aquaman is gonna kick the sh*t out of Indiana Jones Jr or whatever. (Celebslam)

Bruce Willis went yippee-ki-yay on some paparazzi this week, dousing an annoying stalker in water. Unfortunately, the photographer had never been baptized, and now serves Bruce Willis as his God. (DListed)

Maybe its a table with the ability to get a boner.

Larry: I bet it's some sort of wireless phone. One that fits in your pocket.

Ralph: No way, that's impossible. I think its a computer you can fold in half.

Mortimer: What! You guys are both crazy. I think it's a half dog half dragon.

Ralph and Larry: Definitely.

Alfred: Friends! Thank you for coming to my big reveal. I have been working on this particular invention my entire life, and I predict that it will revolutionize the world.

Mortimer: It's totally a half dog half dragon.

Alfred: Some of you may be wondering if my invention is a dog/dragon hybrid.

Mortimer: See?

Alfred: It's not.

Mortimer: Maybe he's playing coy.

Alfred: I'm not playing coy, there is no half dog half dragon on this stage.

Mortimer: Damn.

Alfred: Without further ado, are you ready? Are you ready to see my invention?

The crowd cheers wildly.

Matt Damon got hella fat! Well, just for a part, but still. He looks like a straight-up child molester. Related Tangent: how weird would it be if Matt Damon went by Matthew Damon instead? Matthew Damon and Benjamin Affleck. Weird, right? Just me? Cool. (WWTDD)

Speaking of Benjamin Affleck, it looks like there might be trouble in MarriageLand, USA for him and his wife, Jennifer Gardner. I'll give you one hint why - it starts with 'their daughter' and ends with 'looks like a gremlin.' Also, I can't help but compare this picture with this picture. (IDLYITW, WWTDD)

Amy Winehouse was diagnosed with the early stages of emphysema this week, which finally, FINALLY seemed to get through to her. Thank God. She waited until she was in the parking lot to light up instead of in the waiting room like she normally does. I'm just so damn proud of her. (Celebslam)

First and foremost, Jamie Lynn Spears (Britney's sister) had a baby this week. The baby came out already pregnant, just to save the Spears family 16 years of suspense. (IDLYITW)

Steve Gutenberg went apesh*t on some paparazzi this week, and we have the epic pictures to prove it. Move over, Chuck Norris, I have a new hero. Steve Gutenberg teeth are so white, when he smiles at blind people they see God. (Celebslam)

A voicemail leaked this week from Charlie Sheen to ex-wife and mortal enemy Denise Richards, in which Charlie calls Denise the n-word. Don't worry, Charlie. Steve Gutenberg doesn't recognize race, either. From his POV we are all a color similar to magenta that he has dubbed 'fantastaberry.' (DListed)

Ashlee Simpson stepped out this week flaunting the best part of being pregnant - big boobs! Second best part? All the free stuff. Third is the baby. Oh wait, I forgot about those sweet jeans with the stretchy waistband. THEN the baby. (Egotastic)

And while we're on the subject, check out Halle Berry's gravity-defiers. Somewhere in heaven, Isaac Newton is sobbing over his sham of a life. (WWTDD)

Kurt Cobain's ashes were stolen from Courtney Love this week, who kept them safe in a pink teddy bear. In other news, someone out there is officially crazier than Courtney Love. (Celebslam)