CollegeHumor: User 295's Articles

The Morning After Kid Nation

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 05:11:06 -0500

Cursing, Threats, Insults, and a brief appearance by God. Without a doubt last night was the best “Kid Nation” yet.

Hey, It’s Paul Scheer (From MTV’s Human Giant) filling in for Mark Zito, who is out sick with tonsillitis. But rest assured, I am just as much of a Kid Nation nerd as Mark is. I even own a Red Bonanza City Competition Jersey that I bought at the CBS store along with a kick ass Jimmy Smits “Cane” bobblehead. But enough about me, let’s get into the show. (By the way, please excuse my grammar…it’s bad. I know. No matter how many comments you leave. It won’t change.)

Last Night’s Episode: “Not Even Close to Fair”

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/9/collegehumor.2a35627044737804ac6acaa9d20f3113.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-11-15 05:11:06 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295">Paul Scheer</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 12 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A Letter From Al Powell the Cop From Die Hard 1 (Aka Reginald Vel Johnson)

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 23:17:42 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Bruce Willis,

What the hell, man? Do I look like assh*le? Because you keep wiping me to the side every chance you get. I mean C'MON! I can't believe you made another "Die Hard" movie without ME...Sgt. Al F-ing Powell. Need I remind you that I was the glue that held the 1st Die Hard movie together. People related to MY story. Need I remind you that without me you'd be just another dead d-bag. Remember, I'm the one who shot Karl. Me. I'm the hero of Die Hard. Not you.

Granted, I was pissed when I read Die Hard 2 and I only had a cameo role. I remember coming over your house and trying to stab you with a pocket knife. But when I went to plunge the knife into your chest you easily diarmed me and I just broke down crying. You and Demi made me mint tea and you had your driver send me home. That was nice and I'm sorry about that. I mean how many times do I have to apologize for attempting to kill you.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/9/collegehumor.2a35627044737804ac6acaa9d20f3113.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-27 23:17:42 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295">Paul Scheer</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 10 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Best Myspace Spam Mail

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 23:19:27 -0400

This makes me laugh every time I look at it. I love how "Chad" is so non-plussed and oddly� resigned that the only thing he can do is send out an mass email to his friends about his� "crazy"situation.

Personally I picture Chad living in a world where his roomate is constantly masturbating all around their apartment and it's like bad 80's sitcom like "Perfect Strangers" called, "Playing� with each Other."� The opening credits would be all about their crazy living situation as Chad� tries to go about his normal life with his "crazy" roommate. You'd see him trying to find a box of cereal and then he turns around to to see his roommate using the cereal box to masturbate (shot tastefully of course) and he just shrugs and laughs while synthesized upbeat music plays. The closing credit shot would be late night in their apartment Chad is watching TV and sitting next to him is his roommate furiously masturbating, he looks over smiles then lifts the remote and clicks it and the screen goes to black, just like he's shutting off your TV. In my world this show is canceled� right after the opening credits.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/9/collegehumor.2a35627044737804ac6acaa9d20f3113.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-21 23:19:27 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295">Paul Scheer</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 16 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Why I Love Abercrombie and Fitch...

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 22:33:01 -0400

I love going to clubs but I hate their lack of cargo shorts.
I can't get enough techno
Salespeople who DON'T want to help you.
They save energy by using the least amount of light possible.
Great place to meet pedophiles.
I need everyone to know exactly where I got my T-Shirt (A& F Lacrosse Rules!)
No uglies!
Did I mention the Cargo Shorts?
Best place to buy clothes before a Date Rape
Comfortable Leather Chairs which are great for reading the Classics.

Wow! Great Sleeveless Polos

Michael Showalter calls The Human Giant to task when we talk about our comedic influences. Read the very funny Radar Article

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/9/collegehumor.2a35627044737804ac6acaa9d20f3113.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-23 22:33:01 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295">Paul Scheer</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 24 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

What I've Learned from Playing Guitar Hero 2

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 12:56:25 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> First of all, if you don't have Guitar Hero 2 For the Xbox or Playstation, You are a jerk! But you can change that, all you have to do is stop whatever you are doing right now, run out to the street, mug an old lady, go to your local Electronics Boutique and buy one.

I guarantee you it will change your life!

[upload:1197205:large:center:Case in point - This dude's mind is blown]

I'll admit for awhile I was that dude who mocked the guys/girls who sat in the video game demo area at Best Buy for hours on end playing Guitar Hero. In my mind it was as ridiculous as that Donkey Kong game where you beat drums to make him run around. But then I picked up my plastic ax and now I am hooked!

However, there are a few things you need to know, that the instruction book won't tell you

1) No matter how cool you think you look while playing, You Definitely Don't Look Cool.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/9/collegehumor.2a35627044737804ac6acaa9d20f3113.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-13 12:56:25 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295">Paul Scheer</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 31 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

R.I.P. Zack: The Lego Maniac

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 15:27:50 -0400

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Fans will of course remember Zack from a series of Lego related commercials in the mid-80’s that exploited Zack’s Lego based insanity.

In 1989 when Lego dropped the severely disturbed Zack as a promotional tool for their company he spiraled into an even deeper pit of Lego based mental illness. Trying to correct his affliction he entered intensive therapy where even top psychologists concurred that he was still and will remain a “Lego Maniac”.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/9/collegehumor.2a35627044737804ac6acaa9d20f3113.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-20 15:27:50 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295">Paul Scheer</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 10 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Things Jack Bauer Won't Say

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 00:00:00 -0500

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So since I consider myself a 24 aficionado, I have come up with a list of things that Jack Bauer would never say...

"Everybody Calm Down...I brought enough Snackwells for all of us."

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/9/collegehumor.2a35627044737804ac6acaa9d20f3113.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-01-26 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295">Paul Scheer</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Will Smith Intimidates Me

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 00:00:00 -0400

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When it comes to Summer Songs there is one Musical Artist that owns the Summer. His name is Will Smith. Think about it. From the classic "Summertime" to the current "Switch", Will Smith produces the summer hits nonstop. He's like a rapping summer Santa who comes once a year to release the gift of music and then he goes back to Hollywood to make another Academy Award winning movie. Hell, I watched MIB 2 just for the titular song...Which is the funniest song you'll ever hear, really, do yourself a favor, listen to the lyrics, they are awesome, it's like a cliff notes version of the film. I still contend that if the Legend of Bagger Vance had a Will Smith Song attached to it, it would have been huge hit! His songs are infectious.

But I have a problem; Will Smith intimidates me with his ultra rich lifestyle. We got get him back to singing songs like "Nightmare on My Street" and "Parents Just Don't Understand." Songs we can all relate too. Right now I imagine his songs only appeal to Millionaires.

Don't believe me let's examine some of his lyrics, shall we?

First up BIG WILLIE STYLE
(the most egregious offender take a look)

I'm in a five star casino shuttin' crap tables down (boom)
non bettin' willie watchers standin' around
strictly millionaire status you can feel the eyes lookin' at us
how bad they wanna be us
Charlie Mack got my back with his eyes on my stack
brothers don't know how to act when you drive a four-five black
people stop and stare havin' drinks at the bar
from civllians to stars they wanna know who we are
Lately you could find me
behind the door marked V.I.P.
eating grapes under the A.C.
big willie style is how we do it

Really, is that how you "do it"? Gotta say, can't really relate to this. Sometimes I can't pay my electric bill, how about a song about that? By the way, what is a four-five black? There is one part that I can relate too, I often eat grapes under the A.C. because grapes are cheap and I live in a studio apartment and my loft bed is under the A.C., but I'm guessing we aren't singing about the same thing. No? Right?

Next Up some Lyrics from Will's New Album "Lost & Found"

"I could stand on my wallet, probably kiss the sky"
(Don't I know it...actually I'm lying I have no idea. If I stood on my wallet, it would actually lower my height.)

"Big Will just got another 20 mill"
("Another 20 Mill" I freak out when I take out more than 20 Bucks from the ATM.)

"Shock by the film & the TV money, went from scenes with Uncle Phil
to scenes with Sonny, so hard to break free from a guaranteed 20"
(I hope he's not dissing on Sonny Bono here, I don't like hate rap! Anyway I digress, I get it, you make 20 million bucks. Once I did one of those scratch-off games and I thought I won a Mill. But Alas it was one of those prank ones that you buy in Spencers - Damn You Aunt Kathy!)

Gettin' Jiggy With It

Mad cause I got floor seats at the Lakers
See me on the fifty yard line with the Raiders
Met Ali he told me I'm the greatest

(Yes I'm mad, just because Ali said the same thing to me, obviously our special night meant nothing to him, athletes are all the same...But seriously, come on! Singing about your excellent sports seats, how much do you want to rub my nose in it, I get it. You are rich. What's next? Singing about how you diversify your tax return with property loans or how you use wet hundreds to wipe your ass? Actually I think Fat Boys recorded a song like that"�)

Anyway, all I'm saying is leave your tax return at home on your next album. Let's see some more Fresh Prince and a little less Rich King. Also, would it be asking too much to have DJ Jazzy Jeff do a remix of "I'm the DJ and he's the Rapper,"� just for old time sake?

(By the way, I'm well aware this post would have been more topical in 1997, but screw it - the 90's are Back! Just wait until tomorrow when I examine the plot holes in I Know What You Did Last Summer and try to get the bottom of, "What's up with Rachel Leigh Cook?")

Paul Scheer can also be found hanging out in our movies section, starring in both Shutterbugs and Paul Scheer's The O.C. in 2 minutes.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/9/collegehumor.2a35627044737804ac6acaa9d20f3113.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2005-08-13 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:295">Paul Scheer</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />