Listen, could you put down that Keystone for a moment? I'd like to do you a favor. You know, the world of beer more than just Natties, Millers, and Beasts. Day after day, I see a variety of excellent lagers, stouts, and ales passed up for fear of sampling something not featured in a Super Bowl commercial. So I've decided to make it easy for you: below I review 15 beers; some you may not have heard of, and some tried and true. Please, open your ears and, in turn, open your palates to a new brew:

	Winter's Bourbon Cask Ale Delicious. I eagerly anticipate the coming of the colder months and the variety of seasonal brews they bring, and the good people at Anheuser have developed an insanely good taste experience. A little thicker than what a typical beer drinker may be used to, but the vanilla after taste and subsequent warming feeling will hook most drinkers immediately. Red body, little to no head, and an overall vanilla/caramel aroma.
	Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat Though the name is "Cherry Wheat", I was surprised at the amount of cherry flavor I encountered. I found the beer to be a little too strong for my tastes, though someone with a sweet tooth may find it enjoyable. I chugged the rest of it after two sips, just to get it out of the way. Thin head, orange body, and overall too sweet.
	Brooklyn Monster Ale Good Loard. "11% Alcohol by Volume" puts this... concoction in a clash by itself. Thish is no longer a beer, this bottled animal is a 12 ounces of liquid insanity. I would feel sorry for the man forced to drink an entire 6 pack of this. I downed this quickly as to.move on to a hopefully more enjoyable experience. Starts bitter but mellows out as you finish it, strong taste of hops, and very high in alocohol content.

Therapist: It’s nice to see everybody here. Who would like to begin?
Sonny the Cuckoo: Well, I would just like to say that I stopped hanging around with Toucan Sam, and I haven’t touched a Cocoa Puff since May 3rd.
Therapist: Three weeks sober. Congratulations! (all applaud) How does that feel?
Sonny the Cuckoo: There’s a ringing in my ears, and it feels like termites are eating me alive from the inside.
Trix Rabbit: Be strong, Sonny. I know what it’s like to be a slave to cravings.
Captain Crunch: Silly Rabbit…
Trix Rabbit: What did you say?
Therapist: All right, we’re all friends here –
Trix Rabbit: No. Say it to my face!
Therapist: This is a circle of trust! Now, Rabbit, have you sat the kids down and opened the lines of communication towards a mutually beneficial negotiation?
Trix Rabbit: All they understand is Red No. 7, Yellow No. 5…
Therapist: Then it sounds like you have to look out for No. 1.

(mumbles of understanding)

Cookie Crisp Crook: I don’t see why you don’t just pinch it from the little bastards.
Parole Officer: Keep it up. I’m taking notes.

God I look great tonight! Okay, so the shirt is a little too small, but hey I did almost 20 push ups yesterday! Oh crap, there's that frigging guy again, I wonder what he'll get... Oh lemme guess, he'll order five 7&7's and turn into a belligerent assh*le by number 4.  He may as well leave now, cuz I'm kicking his skinny gay ass out after number 3.  

What?  What?  Oh look at this fag, showing off in front of his girlfriend, calling me "Chief" cuz he thinks it makes him cool.  Well guess what, fag, I'm not Indian!  Yeah, here's your stupid Corona Light, you stupid sh*t.  Oh, I forgot the lime?  Well, guess what, you're not getting a lime! Why? Cuz we're out of limes!  I forgot to cut them at the beginning of my shift cuz I was too busy looking at how good I look this shirt but I'm not about to tell YOU that! Still think you're better than me? Guess where this shirt is from. Just guess.  Give up?  Express Men's!  That place isn't cheap, but I can afford it... sometimes.  They have good sales.

A few months ago, I attempted to re-enact a Garfield comic strip with my cat (see it here) in an effort to discover if there was some hidden comedy gold that I was missing. There was not. Now I am many things, but I am not a quitter. Take this strip, for instance:


Today, I will be interpreting the above strip with the help of my cat, Luke.

His professor sent him an e-mail the following day:

• Sleek, solid constructions
• Several compliant ports
• Interior free of dust or cobwebs
• Porn viewing potential
• Extensive firmware interface
• Quick start-ups
• Adjustable volumes
• Multiple hotkeys
• Compatibility with your existing hardware
• Upgrade potential
• Floppy support
• Virus-free systems

Dear Sir or Madam,

I wish to file a complaint against two of your plumbers who, in my opinion, exhibited gross professional negligence and blatant disrespect while in my apartment to repair a clogged toilet. Though the employees refused to give their full names, I recall one being a short, pudgy man in red overalls, and the other tall and lanky in green overalls. Both had thick moustaches, and the short one, possibly a recuperating stroke victim, repeatedly shouted the name of your company in a high-pitched Italian accent.

I led the two gentlemen into the bathroom, explained the problem, told them I would be in the living room if they had any questions, and left them to their work. When I returned around half an hour later, however, I discovered the short one sitting cross-legged on the tile floor popping psychotropic mushrooms from a Ziploc bag, and the tall one—apparently tripping already—attempting to squeeze himself down my toilet and incoherently rambling something about getting to the "Mushroom Kingdom"—a place he appeared to already be in.

I went to the kitchen and began to call their supervisor. As I dialed, I heard a loud crash from my bedroom. I hung up the phone and ran over to discover the two had found their way in from the bathroom, and that the tall one had thrown my change jar to the ground and was scooping the coins up for, as he explained, "an extra life." Meanwhile, the short one was biting the heads off my girlfriend Christy's orchids. When I ran over to stop him, he warned me he now possessed the ability to shoot orbs of fire from his mouth.

At this point, I was more concerned over the two men's health, as well as the safety of my apartment. When I suggested calling an ambulance they began to panic. The tall one, under the delusion he could demolish brick walls with the top of his skull, ran headfirst into my bedroom wall, knocking himself unconscious. Then the short one jumped in the air, grabbed the lighting fixture above, ripped it from the ceiling and, screaming about his newfound "invincibility," leaped through my second-story window. Miraculously, he survived this fall, and continued to run down Union Ave. grasping my bedroom light and trying to squash every pigeon on the sidewalk he passed.

My school is currently experiencing some racial turmoil over a "South of the Border" theme party.  Both Hispanic and non-Hispanic students alike organized a march to protest the offensive party and teachers have devoted class time to talking about the issue.  But was it really that bad?  I mean, come on, really?  I contend that there could have been far more controversial parties that went on.  Parties such as...

White Middle Class Party - I for one would have been very offended if someone threw a party in which the dress code was polos and jeans (or khaki shorts, depending on the weather) in order to mock my lifestyle.  I would not have been able to bear the sight of people walking around in Le Tigres and Levis listening to the Dave Matthews Band thinking that is what all white kids do.  Sometimes we wear Ralph Lauren polos with Abercrombie jeans and listen to O.A.R.

Vampire Dance Party - It is in such poor taste to mock the living dead by portraying them all as blood-sucking creatures of the night who engage in techno-fueled orgies.  Many of them are respectable members of society who don't cavort about in black leather sucking blood from unsuspecting strangers.  All it takes is a popular movie like Blade to make people think that all vampires are ruthless blood-suckers that can tolertate Stephen Dorff.  Coinicidentally, there is one of these parties scheduled at my school for next week.

Nazi Party - Seriously guys, this just isn't cool.  A lot of people died because of them.  Like, seriously, a lot.  Why would you even think that's the least bit funny?  And where would you even find uniforms that resemble SS uniforms?  Oh, you found a place?  How much?  That's pretty reasonable...well, how much is a keg of cheap German beer?  Wow, that's not bad either.   And that would give me an excuse to wear my black boots...OK, sure, sounds good guys.  How about next Friday at my place?  Shotgun Hitler!

 

I thought tonight I'd meet a lady
I thought I'd bring her home
I thought we'd spend the night together
but instead I sleep alone

My buddy Steve had seen her first
I had no plans to interfere
They hit it off and left together
and left me with my beer

Don't read me wrong, I'm not upset
I'm proud, but to that end
I've done what any pal would do
I hit on her fat friend

Think you can write a better poem than this one? Post it and send the link to CHPoetryCorner@gmail.com.  Each week we'll pick one poem to be featured in this spot. Put quill to scroll and get writing!

Check out past poems here.