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How to Make Out With the Girl of Your Dreams

While she's sleeping.

Those phone calls with your mom are getting kind of awkward as you're getting further along into the year and doing more and more things she would never approve of. In order to dodge some of these bullets let me explain what you should say, as well as what it will actually mean.

What you say :: What you mean

I kind of have a girlfriend	I hook up with the chubby roommate of the girl I'm interested in
I don't get a lot of homework	I haven't been to class
We haven't gotten our first test back	I failed the first three tests
It was an open book exam	I cheated
I'm pretty popular with the ladies	I masturbate a lot
I'm making some great friends	My roommate tea-bagged me last night and sent the picture to CollegeHumor.com
How's grandma?	I'm worried that I jinxed grandma's life by telling my professors she died so I could get out of class
Books are expensive, and my meal plan isn't any good	Send me beer money
Can I talk to Dad?	Something is wrong with my dick.
I might come home next weekend	I'm going to try to get a handjob from a high school girl while you do my laundry
I should get back to studying	I need to go whack it
Can you hold on for 20 seconds?	I need to whack it
The dining hall has a waffle bar	I'm getting fat
Can you send me some of my video games?	No one here likes me
My roommate is alright	My roommate jerks off whenever he thinks I'm asleep
Can you send some fabric softener	I'm gay

If you go to a school where all the good parties are at frat houses then you undoubtedly know how hard it is to get in if you aren't with a bunch of hot chicks. This sucks because going to these parties is how you plan on meeting said hot chicks. A vicious cycle to say the least. Here are a few ideas that might help:

Dress up as a girl: Sound crazy? It is. Just crazy enough to work. Okay, it won't work. But maybe one of those frat guys will see the determination behind your eye makeup. The unyielding desire, the desperation in your heart. And then, you're in. Or, worst case scenario, you get your ass kicked and are banned from attending any frat party again, ever.

Packing for college is a daunting task. You have no idea what kind of things you're going to need, so you bring everything. You pack shirts that you haven't worn in three years, CD's you've never even opened, and pictures of your mom. Well now that you're a few weeks into the semester, here are a few ideas for practical uses for the useless sht you've brought to school.

High school yearbook: Let's be honest for a second. You just weren't thinking clearly when you packed this. No one, and I'm not exaggerating at all when I say, absolutely no one wants to see your high school year book. Not a single person in your dorm even cares that you went to high school. The yearbook can now serve as a food tray, beer coaster, or most likely, a porn magazine.

How To Cheat On Tests And Quizzes

Very discreetly.

Sure you and your roommate "talk", but what are you really saying? Here are a few things you and your roommate might say to each other vs. what you really mean:

What you say :: What you mean

How old is your sister?	Your sister is hot
Wanna see what's on ESPN?	Dude, stop watching Full House.
Wanna help me clean?	Want to pick your shit up?
Hey, my girlfriend is coming here this weekend.	Hey, you need to find somewhere to sleep this weekend.
Is it cool if I borrow your deodorant?	I borrowed your deodorant.
What time do you get out of class?	How long do I have to whack it?
Are you goin' to eat?	Can I whack it?
You goin' to throw out the trash?	Can I whack it?
You goin' anywhere tonight?	Can I borrow your car? Can I whack it?
I need to get some studying done.	Turn off your Lou Bega CD.
I like this shirt.	I'm borrowing this shirt...and puking on it...then sneaking it back into your closet without washing it.
Dude...I kissed your sister	Dude...I boned your sister
My internet connection is messed up.	Can I watch porn on your computer?
Dude I haven't gotten laid in so long.	Wanna hook up?
Just kidding.	Don't tell anyone.
Do you have any lube?	Do you have any lube?

5. He disappears after sunset and you don't see him until the next day
4. He is always returning home with fresh cuts, bruises and torn clothes
3. He often can't recall what he did the night before
2. He denies being a werewolf when confronted
1. He dies when you shoot him with a silver bullet

Note: be careful not to confuse telltale werewolf signs with signs of alcoholism.

How to Re-heat a Delicious Pizza in Less than a Minute

Microwave. 59 Seconds.

It is the perfect statement. The unifying voice of a cynical generation. This one simple sentence reaches out to your peers and brings you together in a gloriously underwhelming way. Most importantly, is ideal for finally striking up a conversation with that cute girl you've been checking out on facebook. But just so we're clear, "This sucks, huh?" is best used during:

-Lectures
-Bad parties
-Football game blow-outs
-Dining hall lunches

And should never be used during:

-Parties at her place
-Her grandma's funeral
-First dates
-Sex

When you're drunk
When you're really, really angry

About a week ago my roommate Steve and I were walking around downtown New Haven. I don't remember why but Steve started to ponder how cool it would be to have his own island. It probably came up after talking about his recent DUI arrest because one of his stipulations for the island was that there would be no drunk driving laws. He figured we could get around these laws by making indestructable cars. We imagined a conversation between a tourist and an islander might go like this:

"Hey, that car is indestructable, what's it made out of?"
"Nalgene Bottles!"

HOW TO PUNCH YOUR ROOMMATE IN THE FACE

Just really hard, and when he's not looking.

Me and my roommate Steve just watched Honey I Shrunk the Kids, which of course prompted us to imagine what life would be like if Ray's shrink ray actually existed. We agreed that all the world's problems would be solved, Steve even said, "That would solve all of the world's problems." We talked about blowing up food, shrinking things down for shipping, thus reducing the burning of fossil fuels, "The possibilities are endless!" Steve exclaimed. I then suggested we devote our lives to being inventors. 10 seconds passed and Steve responded with, "Let's just turn our apartment into a crystal meth lab."