Hey man, how's your penis? Lonely? Typical you. Okay this might be rough, but it's either this or another night of avoiding the eyes of the lady at Wal-Mart as you buy a bottle of economy sized hand lotion and a roll of paper towels. Listen up my friend, I'm going to talk to you about banging an Upperclassmen.

Go off campus: Far off campus. This is where your school keeps the ugly girls. Girls that shouldn't be allowed out while the sun is up, girls that haven't known the touch of a man since their fathers used to beat them for being too unappealing, girls that you can get with.

Find the pretty one: Here's the thing, there's always one decent one, surrounded by the shroud of rancid, grease faced, beer gutted, lower back tattooed, pit stained ex-field hockey players. You just need a keen set of eyes, because the pretty one my friend, is all yours.

Having a good Halloween on a college campus can be difficult. Every one of your friends wants to go out to "parties"�, get "drunk"� and get "handjobs"� from "girls"�. Well you and me, man, we know 364 days a year are about handjobs, Halloween is about one thing: Candy. So here's where you should go to get some.

Admissions Office: Remember when you first went to the admissions office? When you were thinking about how this school sucks and you were glad it was your safety school. Then you had one of the free brownies. Then you failed all your midterms and got rejected from every place you applied and got into this school off the wait list. Yeah. Go get some of those free brownies.

Sorority House: Go early so you can catch all the babes changing into their cliché costumes. If the Halloween Gods are smiling upon you, you might be able to catch a glimpse of some nipples from the low-cut shirts these girls are wearing. If they try to act like they don't have any candy for you just start making out with them. When you're finished say, "Looks like this year it was treat."� Then slap them across them face before they can do it to you.

Dining Hall: Ok first you go up to the old lady at the checkout and say, "Trick or treat"� when she laughs politely and starts ringing up your Rice Krispies Treats and Oreo packages grab her by the throat and scream "Trick out Treat Bitch!"� Then shove everything into a pillowcase before demanding all the money in the register. Use the money you just earned to buy candy.

Your RA's room: Your RA is probably a big enough tool to have gotten some bullshit candy like fun size Milky Ways or M&M Minis. So don't even give him the option of trick or treat. He gets trick. Just lie down on the floor outside his room and pee under his door.

Happy Halloween!

How to Have a Sweet Halloween This Year

Jolly Ranchers.

How to Borrow Money From Your Roommate

When he leaves the room.

As most guys know by now, hot girls love dicks. Not literal dicks (well, you wouldn't know) but metaphorical dicks. And who is the biggest dick you know? That's right. Your roommate. No, no, I didn't say "has the biggest dick"� I said "is the biggest dick"�. Anyway, here's how to bone his girlfriend.

Get Your Roommate Drunk: Shouldn't be hard since your roommate is a binge drinking, whore loving douche bag who doesn't know how to appreciate the only girl who is oblivious enough to love him. Just make sure he passes out in the bathroom so he doesn't wake up to you 69ing his woman.

Make Him Look Like A Douche Bag: Also, shouldn't be hard. He is a douche bag. Try doing something like "accidentally"� opening up the porn file on his computer. Or play a Creed song from his i-tunes. "He loves Scott Stapp."� You will say, "But you must already know that."�

Sometimes when you're having sex after a long night of drinking you start to wonder what you might be getting yourself into. Is this chick as hot as she seemed in the dim lights of the bar? Is she on the pill? Is she going to get all creepy after? Well here are a few ways to discern the differences between one night stands and relationships

One Night Stand :: Relationship

You are drunk	You are sober
It is past midnight	It is still light outside
She's gone when you wake up	She makes you Pop-Tarts in the morning. Then you have sex again.
She screams out things like, "Do me!"� or "Harder!"�	She whispers "I love you"�
She brought her own condoms	She asks you what a condom is
She leaves a shirt, but never returns to get it	She steals one of your hoodies
She doesn't Facebook you the next day	She Facebooks you, and your roommate

How to Avoid an Unsightly Beer Gut

Drink until you puke.

How to Bang The Hot Sorority Chick You've Been Chasing After

No condom.

It was a long night full of Jager shots and pretending to listen to girls talk. Too bad you didn't try harder. Because now you're alone in your room with your roommate who just threw up into his own hamper and passed out under the futon. You're sober enough to know that drunkenly IMing the girl you used to hook up with is a bad idea, but still drunk enough not to care. And since I can't do anything to stop you at this point, here are, at least, a few things that you can and can't say.

Okay To Say :: Not Okay

Hey, haven't seen you in a while"¦	I miss you so much
Where were you tonight?	Why don't you call me anymore? I still like you
Hey how was your night?	We should be sex buddies
Hey it would be cool to see you soon	If I just lay here on my bed with my dick out will you you come over and climb on top of it?
What are you doing up so late?	Are you fingering yourself right now?
Hey I'm sorry I have been such a dick lately	So, I stopped calling you cause your vagina smelled weird
We should get together sometime this week	I need you Mary, okay? Just stop being such a bitch and respond to my text messages, I don't even understand what I did"¦ I never had sex with Jamie, we made out like one time and it was for like, two seconds. Basically, she just stuck her tongue in my mouth and I pushed it out, using my own tongue

Your room reeks of beer, your stomach is craving real food, you haven't changed those socks in four days and your penis hasn't been touched in much longer. The solution is simple: Go home. Your room still smells like fabric softener, your mom cooks for you, you can wash your socks (but whatever) and best of all, you can tap yet another untapped resource: High School Girls.

(Jail)Bating the hook: College hoodies are the new varsity jacket. No piece of clothing works better at getting a girl to notice you than a college sweatshirt of an appealing school. If you currently attend North Fairwalk Community College I suggest NOT wearing that hoodie. It's ok to pretend you go to another college, high school girls like being lied to.

How to Win a Fight Against The Huge Football Player Who Fingered Your Little Sister When She Came to Visit

Knife.

Where to Keep Your Stash of Illegal Drugs

Hidden.

Let me tell you a story about women; a story about mystery, about allure, about an enormous letdown- a story about the girls who live on the floor below you. You have:

The Hot One	She's the one who won't talk to you. The one who you held the door for the other day and not only did she not thank you, but she pretended to be on her cell phone and completely ignored you. Redeeming factor? You got to watch her ass as she walked up the stairs ahead of you.
The Fat One	She is not untouchable like the hot one. She is in fact, quite touchable. It's almost hard to avoid not touching her when you try to squeeze past her on the stairwell. But try your best not to touch her, you might vomit uncontrollably and that would really make her upset. You don't want the fat one upset.
The Mean One	The mean one is actually slightly similar to the hot one, only she's not hot. She's just mean, which is actually much, much worse. If a girl isn't incredibly hot then she has no right to be mean. Wouldn't you agree? So when this girl casually disregards your noble gesture of door holding, try to trip her.
The Cool One	The one who talks about poop. She comes upstairs and hangs out with the guys sometimes in a cool, un-manly way. She likes sports, but not so much that you're intimidated, just enough so that you know you can watch them when she's around without feeling like she's annoyed. It's like she's perfect. But don't get too excited, the cool one always has a boyfriend back home who is much cooler than you.
The Rest	All the other ones are just eh. Some decent ones, some beat ones, one ethnic one. You could go either way with most, the deciding factor would most likely be your level of inebriation, same goes for them. Whatever, they're not the college ass you dreamed of, they're the girls on the floor below you.

Every day random things happen, things you might tell people you know. These things are not major events or anything, just day to day occurrences. Many of these instances result in one of your friends saying the words, "Welcome to college."� At which point you should hit them in the face. Here are a few examples: