Mr. Maloney: Holy mackeral, Sue. Do you see Wendall Blatt over there?
Mrs. Maloney: In the window of that tiny house on the corner?
Mr. Maloney: That house looks small, but it actually has two bedrooms in the attic and the basement is completely finished and has a foosball table and a pinball machine! Plus, Wendall's dad has a really cool apartment in town.
Mrs. Maloney: Of course, I should have realized.
Mr. Maloney: Oh and his parents AREN'T divorced if that's what you're thinking. They're separated and that's not the same thing.
Mrs. Maloney: I know that.
Mr. Maloney: Anyway, that's besides the point. Look at those punches, he's lightning fast!
Mrs. Maloney: Whoa, you are right dear. Holy cow was that a roundhouse kick!
Mr. Maloney: It was. A devastating roundhouse kick. That move is really great because it looked like Wendall fell down afterwards but he was just going into a tuck and roll move.
Mrs. Maloney: Obviously. Wow, who do you think Wendall is going to use these incredible moves on?
Mr. Maloney: Who knows? Dragons, Evil warlocks, Randy Johnston.
Mrs. Maloney: That kid is so jealous.
Mr. Maloney: Yes.
Mrs. Maloney: Doesn't Wendell date that cute little Cynthia girl from down the street?
Mr. Maloney: They don't technically date but everyone knows she's so into him.
Mrs. Maloney: Because he's smart? Or is it because he's so good at fighting?
Mr. Maloney: Probably both.

Mrs. Blatt exits the house and gets into her car.

Mrs. Maloney: Oh dear, you don't think Wendall's mom is going on another date do you?
Mr. Maloney: No way

My aunt works for Bloomsbury Books and I asked her to send me a picture of the last page of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows. I couldn't believe she did it! It's insane, but for real, DO NOT click if you don't want to see the last page of the book.

Dad: Emily! Will you come in to the living room?
Emily: What is it, Dad?
Dad: We need to have a talk. It's about Clifford.
Emily: Is everything okay?
Dad: I'm afraid not. We may have to put Clifford down.
Emily: No, Daddy! Why?
Dad: Clifford is very sick, Emily, it's very obvious.
Emily: But I love Clifford.
Dad: We all love Clifford. But his vomitting is wildly out of control. All of the grass in our yard is dead because of it. Clifford's diarhea is impossible to clean up, I'm sure you've noticed. It's enough to fill a regular sized pool.
Emily: But-
Dad: You can smell it from blocks away.
Emily: We can move again.
Dad: We already moved after Clifford attacked that woman.
Emily: But you said Clifford just wanted to make babies.
Dad: I was trying to protect you. That woman could have died. Clifford's penis is nine feet long.
Emily: Maybe we could enter him in some kind of contest.
Dad: No, Emi- You think we haven't tried that? You think- I'm sorry, I don't want to lose my temper right now.
Emily: ...
Dad: It's just that, Emily, I'm working three jobs just to give Clifford enough food to stay alive. We moved out of town to give Clifford more room and now I sit in traffic for an hour every day on the way to work. This isn't how I imagined my life, Emily.
Emily: What about Clifford?
Dad: What about me God Damnit. Do you know how many bones of our neighbor's pets I've had to bury in our woods? Clifford is a violent dog.
Emily: I won't let you hurt Clifford!
Dad: Oh so now you're telling me what to do? I'm trying to do what's humane, Emily. But if you stand in my way, so help me God I will go Atticus Finch on that f*cking dog.
Emily: You're a monster!
Dad: Are you out of your mind? You have a GINORMOUS red dog living in my yard and I'm the monster?