Recently a truck driver from Georgia won the $390 Mega Million jackpot. Are you gonna let him take your hard earned money like that!? He called you a "dumb-ass city slicker" too! Anyway, if you're looking to win, and I mean, really win, I've decided to share my fool proof, never fail, cannot miss lotto tips.

All I ask is that you think of me when you purchase your first 25 segways for your personal segway zoo/entertainment center.

Melanie's Fool Proof Never Fail Lottery Tips

How would you like some of this sweet cabbage, son? Those pennies add up!

• If you don't say, "I'm feelin' lucky!" when you buy the ticket, you will lose.  And you have to say it like you mean it.

•  The more heartwarming your story will be, the more likely you are to win.  So you might want to consider cutting off your own legs before buying the ticket.

• Only play when the jackpot reaches $100M or higher. You're only going to win once, so don't waste it on some lame $96M prize. After taxes and a few sweet parties that will leave you with less than $30M to play with. Not worth it.
  

• You're more likely to win if God wants for you to win.  And if you still haven't won, it's because you're doing something to piss Him off.

•  If anyone questions your buying lotto tickets, tell them the money goes to support schools.  The same schools who did such a poor job teaching you math that you think this is a good gamble.