CollegeHumor: User 303's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1723069 Lottery Tips - Get Rich Quick! Wed, 14 Mar 2007 11:20:47 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1723069 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Recently a truck driver from Georgia won the $390 Mega Million jackpot. Are you gonna let him take your hard earned money like that!? He called you a "dumb-ass city slicker" too! Anyway, if you're looking to win, and I mean, really win, I've decided to share my fool proof, never fail, cannot miss lotto tips.

All I ask is that you think of me when you purchase your first 25 segways for your personal segway zoo/entertainment center.

Melanie's Fool Proof Never Fail Lottery Tips[upload:989062:small:left:How would you like some of this sweet cabbage, son? Those pennies add up!]

  • If you don't say, "I'm feelin' lucky!" when you buy the ticket, you will lose.  And you have to say it like you mean it.
  •  The more heartwarming your story will be, the more likely you are to win.  So you might want to consider cutting off your own legs before buying the ticket.
  • Only play when the jackpot reaches $100M or higher. You're only going to win once, so don't waste it on some lame $96M prize. After taxes and a few sweet parties that will leave you with less than $30M to play with. Not worth it.
  • You're more likely to win if God wants for you to win.  And if you still haven't won, it's because you're doing something to piss Him off.
  •  If anyone questions your buying lotto tickets, tell them the money goes to support schools.  The same schools who did such a poor job teaching you math that you think this is a good gamble.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/9/collegehumor.e016edf35abf3baf61b50ad9fabd5aed.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-14 11:20:47 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303">Melanie Ethand</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 18 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1718626 This Film Is Not Yet Hated Fri, 09 Feb 2007 14:43:06 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1718626 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/9/collegehumor.e016edf35abf3baf61b50ad9fabd5aed.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-09 14:43:06 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303">Melanie Ethand</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 6 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1709639 I'm not a Racist, That's What's So Insane About This. Fri, 15 Dec 2006 14:05:46 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1709639 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> There are certain situations in life that leave you feeling like a racist, when in fact that couldn't be further from the truth. For example:

  • Getting your shoes shined by an African-American.
  • Thinking the poetry of Langston Hughes is slightly overrated.
  • Not understanding the South American fellow taking your order.
  • Discussing Birth of a Nation/ Huck Finn in class.
  • Describing a black coworker's fashion sense as "urban."
  • Asking the Asian kid in your math class for homework help.
  • Referring to somebody you don't know as "the black one" or "that Asian girl."
  • Deep down thinking that affirmative action is just a teensy tiny bit unfair.
  • Double checking to see if your wallet is there after standing next to an African American on a subway or bus.
  • Accidentally saying your friend lives in a "black neighborhood" instead of "bad neighborhood." They sound alike!
  • Wondering, in passing, how much easier life would be with slaves.
  • Throwing a brick through a black professor's house window.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/9/collegehumor.e016edf35abf3baf61b50ad9fabd5aed.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-12-15 14:05:46 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303">Melanie Ethand</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 77 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706571 How To Have Sex With Any Girl You Want Tue, 07 Nov 2006 14:34:10 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706571 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Hi. I'm Melanie. And I'm here to tell you that you can hook up with any chick you want. That's right, any chick you want. My technique is so fool-proof that it's got a 100% success rate. It has never, ever failed. Ever. Here it is: 1) The key to getting any girl you want is wanting the right girl. Don't aim too high. Make it a point to choose only an ugly girl -- really ugly -- or poor -- really poor. Preferrably both. 2) Tell her she looks pretty. Most really ugly girls have never heard this before because they're truly hideous. Choose the ugliest thing about her (As if you can narrow it down to one...) and compliment on them. "Man, your thighs aren't extremely fat." "Those teeth don't look like yellow tombstones in a cartoon cemetery!" She'll be flattered.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/9/collegehumor.e016edf35abf3baf61b50ad9fabd5aed.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-07 14:34:10 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303">Melanie Ethand</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 25 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1703356 The REAL Way To Never Get Hired Mon, 14 Aug 2006 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1703356 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Most pranks will be specific to that person's phobias, but if you need some general tips, try these never-fail team-building pranks. Sure, you may not get hired by your current employer, but the laughs are worth at least $35k a year with health benefits.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/9/collegehumor.e016edf35abf3baf61b50ad9fabd5aed.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-08-14 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303">Melanie Ethand</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1661514 The Worst Pick-Up Lines Fri, 17 Feb 2006 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1661514 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
"That shirt is very becoming on you...can I jizz on it?"

"Why don't you sit in my lap and we'll see what pops up? Probably my splintered femurs under your massive girth."

"If looks could kill, you wouldn't be the least bit threatening."

"Cum here often?" (pointing at her vagina) Mind if I do?

"Nice shoes, wanna duck?" (punch her in throat)
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/9/collegehumor.e016edf35abf3baf61b50ad9fabd5aed.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-02-17 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303">Melanie Ethand</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 17 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1637141 New Intramural Sports Fri, 02 Dec 2005 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1637141 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Text Messaging: Thumb your way to intramural glory. Each team has to has to type out a novel, first team to finish advances. This culminates with a "War and Peace"¯ 4-day battle royale in which one team is crowned the victor, and the losers go home dejected, not unlike the plot of "War and Peace."¯
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/9/collegehumor.e016edf35abf3baf61b50ad9fabd5aed.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2005-12-02 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303">Melanie Ethand</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1611394 Autumn Party Themes Thu, 29 Sep 2005 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1611394 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Everybody Gloves/Raymond - Everyone has to either wear gloves or dress as 1940's mystery novelist Raymond Chandler or contemporary short-story author Raymond Carver. This one can get PRETTY CRAZY.

Let Them Heat Cake, a.k.a. "Bake Not, Want Not." When guests show up for the party, make sure the cake is conspicuously absent. Guests will likely say, "Hey, where's the cake?" Tell them it's in the kitchen; they just need to put it in the oven. While they're gone baking, move the party to a different house. You don't need selfish complainers at your shindig.

Stripinata: Everyone loves strippers, but putting them in a cake has gotten a little passĆ©. Instead, trying building an enormous piƱata around the stripper. This should take several hours, but once you get it loaded up and hoisted to the rafters, it's totally worth it. Make sure the girls wear helmets and mouth guards. For extra points, convince your party goers that the stripper is in fact a new flavor of Now-and-Later called, you guessed it, "bloody stripper."¯

Cookies and Scream: Serve only a single bag of E.L. Fudge sandwich cookies. When guests take a bite, squeal, "No.....not my legs!" in your best elf voice. This works better if you're a ventriloquist, but either way it generally saves more cookies for you.

Friday the Third Teeth AKA You can't handle the Tooth: The average human mouth has thirty-two teeth. You're going to need to lose one third, or exactly 10 2/3, of them to smile your way to success at this dental-themed party.

Oh how the Mighty have Stalin: Every partygoer should come dressed as his or her favorite historical dictator. If a current dictator arrives at the party, he should be dressed as a member of whatever group he's been oppressing. Where are August Pinochet and Slobodan Milosevic going to get a peasant-corpse costume? After they RSVP, it's not your problem!

Lou Slips, Sinks Ships: Remember your fat friend Lou who's always tripping? Get some friends together, take him down to the pier, split a keg, and dare him to do a jig on the deck of the nearest frigate. When he falls through the hull and into the briny depths, laugh and laugh. At the funeral, remind his mom that he "had it coming."¯

The South Will Fries Again: Deep-fry several pounds of sliced potatoes. Buy several handles of Southern Comfort. When your guest arrive, say loudly, "I know what I think is Southern comforting: the eventual resurgence of all these Confederate war bonds I'm holding!"¯ They won't laugh, but they'll say, "Oh, yeah, the Civil War. Hm."¯ You've done your job.

A Nerd in the Hand is Worth Two in the Mush: Ever want to play a game of Duck-Duck-Goose where you knew you'd win every time? Try playing with your local dorks! Invite them over for a game, then proceed to beat them to the point of demoralization. When they're all in the "mush pot"¯ in the middle of the circle, declare your utter superiority and steal their shoes. That all of their shoes are Velcro will facilitate this effort. If dorks are not available, substitute geeks at a 2-for-1 rate.

Four-Year-Old Virgin: Round up a bunch of kindergardners and throw them in a ball-pit in the middle of a dance floor. When your friends arrive at the party, make fun of those stupid four year old virgins. "Whatsamatter Johnny? Couldn't get your dick wet in Pre-K? Go back to fingerpainting, faggot."¯ The kids will drool; that's defeat coming out of their mouths in liquid form. Featuring: Steve Carrell.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/9/collegehumor.e016edf35abf3baf61b50ad9fabd5aed.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2005-09-29 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:303">Melanie Ethand</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />