Jake Klocksien's Articles

3 total in July 2008
  • by Morgan Freeman
    Oh. Hello there, sonny. Would you mind quickly assisting me with a glaring issue of mine? Much obliged. You would never believe how eager I currently am to have run into an individual such as yourself: an individual who may just happen to be able to be of some assistance to this particular dilemma of mine. It seems, my boy, that the hole in this Capri Sun is exasperatingly complex to penetrate.

    You see... I have dealt more than several hours with attempts to release this refreshing liquid into my body. But as you can so clearly observe, this fruit drink has infuriatingly halted itself to no end.

    In fact, the roof of my mouth, in its extreme state of desiccation, is dreadfully crying out for just the slimmest drop of quenching tropical fruit juice. Due to the faulty perforated hole that is normally to be pierced by the individually wrapped straw, all 6.75 fluid ounces of my liquid replenishment will remain in its default container.

    Just ever so slightly out of reach.

    Does every great quenching snack have its obstacles? Surely. If this here beverage weren't so delightful, it would not be worth the trouble that it is. All wise men know these 70 calories of strawberry kiwi flavor do not come without a little work, a bit of exertion.

    Could I cheat and thrust the straw through the bottom of the container? I suppose that technically I could. That would mean two things: I took the ways of a weak man to solve my problem. Also, I wouldn't be able to set the drink down until I have completely finished it.


  • Mike Birbiglia is a comedian, a storyteller, and a sleepwalker. He is one of the only people on earth to keep a blog that others actually read. After this year's "What I Should Have Said Was Nothing" special, he will debut a new one-man show "Sleepwalk with Me" this month at the Just For Laughs comedy festival in Montreal. Birbiglia recently co-hosted Friday Night Standup in Central Park with Stephen Lynch, which will air July 18th.

    Mike recently took a few minutes away from being super productive to speak to us in what we, in the comedy business, call an "e-mail interview" enlightening us on his writing process, topics that cannot be turned humorous, and how much damage his sleepwalking disorder has caused.

    Unlike a lot of other comedians, your material isn't all that cynical. The most cynical you really get is about politics. Do you think that will change after this next election? Which candidate do you think would provide the best material?

    That's complicated. Because I think I'm cynical just not cartoonishly cynical. As for politics, there will always be room for cynicism. Both McCain and Obama will be disappointing in some way, thus there will be comedy. Who would be more disappointing? McCain by a nose. An old, shriveled up nose.


  • A Sore Subject

    Turkey: Oh... hey, Eagle. What's up?

    Eagle: Not much, how have you been? I haven't seen you in at least three hundred years, my fair-feathered brethren.

    [Turkey self-consciously strokes his wattle.]

    Turkey: Ha. I know, right? I've been ca-razy busy with my new part-time j-o-b.

    Eagle: Yeah, well I hope there's no tension between us anymore, Turkey.

    Turkey: No, we're cool.

    Eagle: Are you sure? It was pretty awkward there for a while. I'm sure the divorce didn't help, but--

    Turkey: I'm beginning to regain custody of them, so thanks for that.

    Eagle: I'm not trying to ruffle your feathers but you must realize that I am the exemplary essence of this great land.

    Turkey: Oh, relax. Our little feud died out about thirty years ago. Right around the time your species almost did the same.

    Eagle: Real mature.

    Turkey: DDT FTW!

    Oak Tree: Hahaahahah, zing!

    Eagle: Quiet, national tree.


Jake Klocksien Winona State

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I used to be an intern here, now I'm just a human.

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