Jake Klocksien's Articles

3 total in March 2008
    1. People who are arrested for breaking and entering & attempted murder are put in a magical jail cell where they are easily able to break out in two years, just in time for a sequel.
    2. "The Sticky Bandits" would make a great band name.
    3. It was highly plausible to accidentally get on an airplane traveling to New York City pre-9/11.
    4. You can survive in New York City with nothing but a Talkboy and a Polaroid camera.
    5. Being attacked with countless paint cans, having your skull lit on fire, and being shot in the face close range with a staple gun will never reduce any attempted acts of aggression against innocent children.
    6. Four bricks thrown from the top of a two-story building will simply leave a red mark on your forehead.
    7. In the end, it pays off to befriend a crazy person that you met in Central Park.
    8. It is possible to have a $967 room service bill consisting of only ice cream purchases.
    9. Catherine O'Hara and John Heard are silly and forgetful.
    10. Catherine O'Hara and John Heard are also horribly inadequate parents.


  • GREEN BAY, WIS. -- The world of professional football was dealt a blow yesterday morning as John Madden was found dead in his home. Madden was most widely known as the color commentator for Monday Night Football and former coach of the Oakland Raiders. He was 71.

    Madden's death comes merely days after Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre retired from the National Football League, capping his seventeen-year professional career in which Madden was eternally supportive of.

    The untimely passing was originally investigated as a homicide until a suicide note was later discovered at the scene. The note was not officially released, although inside sources have said that the late commentator's scribbles make many references to Brett Favre's youthful demeanor, as well as his boyish smiles.

    The long time FOX commentator had continuously raved about the "simply amazing" abilities of Favre and his "passion for playing the game of football as it was meant to be played." While calling a game between Tampa and San Francisco, he once talked about Favre's fist-pumping fourth quarter drives as "possessing more beauty than a bald eagle drowning in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool."

    Simply majestic.
    According to surrounding houses, the sound of Madden's self-inflicted gunshot wound coincidentally mimicked that of his trademark exclamation.

    "I was just folding some laundry, when all of a sudden I heard a loud 'boom' next door and went to check on things," noted a visibly shaken neighbor.
    "There were torn up photographs of Mr. Favre scattered about the room. It even appeared as if he used his Telestrator to organize his route into the afterlife. Just terrible."

    "John had always wholly appreciated the way that Brett conducted himself both on and off the field," said Pat Summerall, Madden's broadcasting partner for over twenty years. "He once told me that #4 meant more to him than his mother, father, wife and two sons combined."

    "And I have to say that I admired that," Summerall added.

    Funeral arrangements are being organized for next week and will be graciously sponsored by Ace Hardware, Verizon Wireless, and Tinactin.




Jake Klocksien Winona State

About Me

I used to be an intern here, now I'm just a human.

View profile
Send a message

Calendar

BFF
www.i-am-bored.com

They state their aim pretty clearly with their domain: A great site for when you're, well, bored. Links, pics, vids, forums, this site has 'em all. Go now!