Since your first week in a new place can be scary, it's important to separate the fact from the fiction. So I've cobbled together some undisputable scientific tidbits that should keep you feeling cool, calm and collected during the seven days that will make or break your college career. If you're not ready for the truth, stop reading now - because there's no turning back. Remember, poking a hole in a myth is a lot like poking a hole in a condom - do it and people will respect you.
First off, you will become more popular the more groups you create on Facebook. The guy who created the "People Who Say Soda Not Pop" group drives an Escalade. In the dining hall, people address him as Sir, not "Finklestein," not "Adam."
Secondly, it's OK to sleep with everybody in your hallway. In terms of icebreakers, nothing beats syphilis. Think of STDs like Boy Scout badges. The more you collect, the more sex you will have. This is college. Abortions are a dime a dozen, and who doesn't have a $1.20? When Sorority Rush comes around, you'll thank me when they look for girls with "life experience" and children.
Thirdly, in college, nobody is gay except you. A liberal arts campus may seem accepting. But trust me, you're the only one. Those music theater kids are just trying to trick you. You've kept it inside this long, you can wait until the divorce.
Fourthly, treat your roommate like the twin sibling you never had. Freshmen year and day one of prison are the only times in life when you won't get to choose your bunkmate. And in prison, people masturbate less. Finish each other's sentences. Eat together. But back off when you steal a paperclip and wake up next to a bloody squirrel with a note in its mouth that reads: "I trusted you." (You know who you are.)
[picture:1693177:small:The Freshman "15"]
Finally, there is no such thing as the "Freshman 15." You will gain at least 30 to 40 pounds during your first semester of binge drinking, pizza eating and baby making. By January your only true friends will be Sam Adams and the Keebler Elf - who's faking it out of pity. My advice: Start smoking now to build up a nicotine tolerance. OK, just kidding. Smoking won't make you thin. That's a myth.
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