CollegeHumor: User 315's Articles

CollegeHumor: User 315's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1708829 Josef Stalin Answers Your Letters Tue, 12 Dec 2006 12:16:46 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1708829 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Dear Stalin,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years. She’s going abroad for a semester and recently told me she wants to keeps her “options” open. In 1941, how did you feel when Hitler betrayed you?

Committed in Kenosha

Dear Committed,

Have you tried talking about it with her? Relationships are hard work. If you're serious about staying together, maybe it's time you two had a discussion about the future. If all else fails, destroy her in the winter.

JS

Dear Stalin,

Choosing a major is hard. At first I thought I was Psychology. Then I switched to Economics. Now it’s only been eight weeks and I’m already considering Art History with a possible minor in French. I don’t know what I’m doing. Help!

Undecided in Eugene

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-12-12 12:16:46 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 62 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1708369 Christmas Is My Birthday Too, Damn It Sun, 10 Dec 2006 19:09:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1708369 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

From The Diary of Susie Snugglestein
Kappa Kappa Delta

My favorite day of the year is December 25. That’s my birthday. But this year no one RSVP'd to my party. Apparently, this other guy Jesus has the same birthday as me and everyone wants to go to his party instead. Fuck that, I thought at first. No Mexican’s going to upstage me on my special day.

Who’s this Jesus guy anyhow? I had to find out. After visiting two Taco Bells and a Chipotle, I had no answers. Cashiers at all three, however, told me to go to Hell. I couldn’t find Hell, so I went to a church and asked a priest. He was all like call me Father and I was like, I’m not a 12 year-old boy. LOL. Then I found him a 12 year-old boy and he got really freaked. He told me Jesus was this guy who died and came back to life after a few days. Woah. Like Ashlee Simpson when she got caught lip-syncing on SNL and then totally came back later and rocked the house down? Holy Mary mother of God, that’s so cool!

At first I was really pissed at my boyfriend Christian for not coming to my party. But he had his reasons. I told him I looked for Jesus in Hell, but found him in a church. He was so pleased I went looking for Jesus. He gave me this book to read called the New Testament. According to the Cliff Notes, Jesus’s body is made from bread. (Talk about an Atkins no-no.) Still, this bitch stole my birthday, so I went to the Stop and Shop and asked for the Jesus bread. They were out of it or some shit, so I got a Jesus bagel. I think it had cinnamon or whatever. Anyhow, it sucked. Now I was pissed and hungry and I had no idea who this Jesus guy was and my diamond ring was too heavy and I had “Pieces of Me” stuck in my head and it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Then, as I was about to have our maid’s car towed because I was bored, I saw his picture dangling from her rear-view mirror. Holy Christ this guy is hot. He looks just like Jim Caviezel in that movie about the Son of God. I’m going to his party instead. I don’t care how old he is; I’d nail him to that cross like he was the Messiah.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-12-10 19:09:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1707449 Top Ten Post Breakup Away Messages Wed, 06 Dec 2006 13:52:04 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1707449 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
9. does anybody need a dead rabbit? and a bloody doorknob?

8. it's not cheating if they're identical

7. If this equation makes sense for you, then you've ruined my life: %n = BaByPrInCeSs386

6. Gotta go tell my gf something quickly, brb (idle for 16 hours 43 minutes)

5. time to get a dishwasher

4. i thought it was JRape.

3. it's not official until she changes her facebook status.

2. "You're a cheating bitch." - Robert Frost

1. it's not you. it's your chemo.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-12-06 13:52:04 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 19 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1707145 The Pornification Challenge Tue, 28 Nov 2006 04:38:50 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1707145 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> pornification - the art of turning ordinary movies into pornos. Inspired, I challenge the glorious minds of CH readers to a pornification duel. So get out your Dirty Hairy"¦and make my day. The O-Men - The devil made them do it. Over and over again. In a circle. Like elephants leading their young. To a gay orgy. The Miracle Jerker - The inspired true story of a deaf-mute whore and the feisty schoolmarm determined to make her speak. Her first words: "This is definitely not water." Saw II People Having Sex - It. Was. Awesome. Forrest Gump - Tom Hanks plays a mentally challenged Southern man who overcomes all odds to fight in Vietnam, win a football championship and meet the president - reaffirming our belief in the human spirit. Because being entertained by retards is porno for the soul. E.T. The Extra Transsexual - "E.T. phone ho! Phone ho!"

Debbie Does Dallas, Sexually - Meet Debbie. She likes penis and vagina. Moreso than"¦other previous times. Schindler's Lisp - We'd understand him if he didn't have a dick in his mouth. The English Patient-ly Have Sex With American Women During the Revolutionary War - A period piece from the History Channel starring that guy from the Verizon commercials as General Cornwallis and Tracey Gold as his kitchen wench. "The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!" If you're curious, the actual book on pornification is from the lovely folks at Falls Media.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-11-28 04:38:50 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706075 Top Five Away Messages by Helen Keller Mon, 23 Oct 2006 14:07:24 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706075 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> View Article ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-10-23 14:07:24 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 45 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706042 Top Ten Away Messages by Anne Frank Thu, 19 Oct 2006 16:30:50 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706042 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

10. AMSTERDAM ROCKS!!!

9. know any good books for the secret bookcase?

8. if they send me to prison, call my cell! jk

7. worst. bat mizvah. ever.

6. i think the dominos guy is lost...

5. i wish my middle name was Stein so in the phone book i would look like FRANK, ANNE STEIN. i'm bored.

4. omg. FINALLY lost it last night to you know who. wish i could share but that's what a diary's for...

3. my parents are such nazis

2. bad hair day. and i think my friends are dead

1. brb, someone's at the door

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-10-19 16:30:50 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 84 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1705884 Top Ten Suicidal Away Messages Mon, 09 Oct 2006 04:48:39 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1705884 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> View Article ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-10-09 04:48:39 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 38 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1705585 Death Match: Mark Zuckerberg Vs. Optimus Prime Part III Wed, 13 Sep 2006 12:32:46 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1705585 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

make sure to read Part I and Part II Round 7 Optimus recovers from his urinary tract infection before the poison can take effect and prepares to deliver a fatal death punch to Mark. But, in a surprising twist of events, Mark unfolds into a larger truck-version of Mark. Optimus: 3 Mark: 4 Round 8 Optimus now finds himself oddly attracted to Mark and proposes marriage. Mark accepts. Optimus: 4 Mark: 4 Eight and a half months later... Round 9 Mark dies during robot ass birth miscarriage. Per his will, his ashes are scattered into Bill Gates' mouth. At the memorial, Optimus expresses bittersweet victory and watches a crow fly away...wondering if that crow is his one true love. Optimus: 5 Mark: 4 THE END

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-09-13 12:32:46 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 10 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1705534 Death Match: Mark Zuckerberg vs. Optimus Prime Part II Sat, 09 Sep 2006 13:02:09 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1705534 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Make sure to read Part I. Round 4 Mark descends thirty floors beneath Facebook HQ, presses big red button, arises to find Earth destroyed...EXCEPT for Optimus Prime, realizes he should have pressed bigger red button next to original. Optimus: 3 Mark: 1 Round 5 Optimus Prime independently develops urinary tract infection. Optimus: 3 Mark: 2 Round 6 Mark visits Optimus Prime at robot hospital, brings him soup and a poem...but the poem contains a deadly poison... Optimus: 3 Mark: 3 To be concluded...

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-09-09 13:02:09 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 13 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1705500 Death Match: Mark Zuckerberg Vs. Optimus Prime Part I Thu, 07 Sep 2006 15:02:44 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1705500 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Round 1 Optimus Prime unfolds into large truck, runs over Mark. Optimus: 1 Mark: 0 Round 2 Mark writes a really mean blog entry. Optimus: 1 Mark: 1 Round 3 Optimus Prime sardonically creates facebook group, "Mark Zuckerberg Is Cool." No one signs up. Optimus: 2 Mark: 1 How do you think it will end? To be continued...

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-09-07 15:02:44 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 17 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1705496 The Freshman 15 And Other Myths Thu, 07 Sep 2006 11:59:17 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1705496 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> View Article ]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-09-07 11:59:17 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1692609 Tips For Showing Your Off-Campus Apartment Wed, 14 Jun 2006 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1692609 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Connect your toilet to your shower. This should be pretty self-explanatory, but prospective renters are often excited to see what happens when hot water comes out as doodie. For flair, fill an ordinary milk jug with bath salts.

Prepare for people dropping by for a tour of the pad by always being naked. When they ask if they've come at a bad time, respond, "Only if you're not flexible." Growl like a tiger.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-06-14 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1692609">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1685149 I Can't Do That...Unless You Dare Me! Mon, 08 May 2006 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1685149 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Clean up the toilet I just puked all over with the University President's toothbrush? And then before I replace it you want me to bend the bristles back so they're all warped and shit? Are you insane!? I could get expelled! I'd never get into Yale law school! I'd never get the job I need to raise a family! I can't do that. Unless you dare me.

Get work as a janitor at a local elementary school so I can deal drugs to minors? Are you kidding? It's bad enough I'm out of an education! Wait, sell the kids bags of pixie stick powder and make them snort it off the locker room urinals? Then call my mother, tell her what I did, and ask for her grandmother's wedding ring so I can marry a hooker named Celeste? Where do you come up with this stuff? You're crazy! I can't do that. Unless you dare me!

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-05-08 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1685149">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1677069 So You're Going To Die A Slut Thu, 13 Apr 2006 00:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1677069 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
You will go through five stages. The first stage is denial. You'll say, "This isn't happening to me." You may remember that phrase from the day I said it, when you got pregnant for the third time. What was his name again? Oh that's right, Jake something. "I don't know what you're talking about," you said, "I'm just getting fat." And this is where we begin: the first stage. Denial.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-04-13 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1671274 Seven Ways To Welcome Katie Holmes' New Baby Wed, 15 Mar 2006 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1671274 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
1. Children love horsies! Especially when they're escorting global damnation! So get your sorority sisters together, make some punch and have a four horsemen-themed End of Days/Baby Shower party. Turn on the Sci-Fi channel and watch the delivery live! Or better yet, take a frozen turkey, use some glitter for placenta and act out your own birth in front of friends and family. But be careful on carpets! That glitter gets everywhere.

2. Dust off that Y2K bomb shelter. You never know what the Antichrist is going to do once it takes earthly form, so play it safe and wait out any possible scenario in the safety of your own tomb. Also, best avoid hoarding food or toiletries that give off a strong scent. There's going to be a lot of undead walking around. Steer clear. Don't try to be a Top Gun.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-03-15 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1658763 You Never Call: By SexyBabe4U746210 Fri, 10 Feb 2006 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1658763 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Fine. Be that way. I should have seen this coming when you didn't respond to my e-mail about cheap Canadian Viagra. Where I come from, "Cialis $$5$$ a PILL" isn't deleted like common trash. If I didn't love you, "4: replica watches :: rolex replicas :: fake watches :: $39" would cost much, much more. E-mail might be passive, but I just don't know how to reach out to you. Maybe my mother was right.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-02-10 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1649614 I Bet You're Fat On The Inside, Too Wed, 11 Jan 2006 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1649614 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
How selfless I look as we walk arm-in-arm! Me the noble Samaritan, you the pride of the nation's dairy farmers! Oh darling! You make me so proud of myself! If my love were a soup kitchen, you'd get first dibs.

I often lose count of the things I love about you. When you roll over in bed, it's like a fire truck changing lanes. Remember when you got hit by that bus? Fifty people died! You didn't even flinch. I'm so lucky. Most girls I've dated are two-sided, self-conscious brats. But you, you have many sides. Like the Chrysler Building.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2006-01-11 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1645484 It's Not Me. It's You. Seriously Thu, 22 Dec 2005 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1645484 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
In retrospect, there were some red flags. Maybe it was the puppy you bought for us on day five. Maybe it was our one-week "anniversary" when you carved my initials into your thigh as a gift. Or maybe it was when we saw Million Dollar Baby and I wished that girl was you.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2005-12-22 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1636821 Good Glorious God, I'm In Love! Mon, 05 Dec 2005 15:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1636821 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Holster your skepticism! The tale begins several days ago on the eve of our annual "Everybody Gets To Kill A Stripper" Party. My friend Buck and I had wandered out on the back porch, where there was rumored to be a keg and a midget. But as we made our way to the beer, that's when I saw her breasts. In a word: huge. In several words: mountains parted like the Red Sea by a God daunted by his own creation. Time. Stood. Still.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2005-12-05 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1632172 The Trials and Tribulations of That Guy Thu, 17 Nov 2005 00:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1632172 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
I'm That Guy who went to your Korean bible group even though I'm not Asian, ate a box of free pizza, and then used the Book of Revelations as a napkin.

I'm That Guy who snuck onto your roommate's computer, wrote an e-mail to his girlfriend calling her sorority the largest slut-store since Planned Parenthood printed two for one coupons, and then removed the keyboard letters I-M-S-O-R-Y. Let me know how that turns out for him by the way.

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/2/collegehumor.165f34ec2b382e8d5f201a9288ca334d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2005-11-17 00:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:315">Dave Holstein</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1632172">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />