You need money. You need a lot of money. Right now you're probably 2 bad decisions away from selling coke out of your North Face backpack or growing pot under your bed. Inevitably you're going to have to cut some corners to put a little extra cash in your pocket. You need to stop living a life of luxury and start downgrading. Here's how it'll go...


Meal plan

21 meals/week
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14 meals/week
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7 meals/week
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Wendy's Big Bacon Classic
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Burger King's Whopper
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Your roommate's trash
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Your roommate
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McDonald's dollar menu

Pregnant? Been slutting it up a bit too long and now it's finally caught up with you? Not ready to be a white trash mother whose only free time is spent idly strolling the aisles of Wal-Mart at 3:00 AM? Look at the mess you got into"¦or should I say the mess that got into you!

You know what you should've done? You should've told the fella to wear a condom or to pull out at the last second. Instead, you whispered in his ear "I want to feel you INSIDE OF ME"� right before he released a million of his closest chums into your fallopian tubes.

But I'm not here to lecture you on your slutty ways. In fact, I'm a big believer that sluts are cool, totally awesome people. Instead, I'm here to lend you a helping hand"¦and in one case a clenched up hand (commonly known as a fist) aimed directly at your uterus. Of course there're the traditional ways of performing an abortion like going to a "medical doctor,"� but people have invented something called the "Internet"� and with a little patience you can learn anything in under half an hour. Here are five ways to avoid that "not-so-fun-little-shit-who-gets-in-mommy's-way-when-she's-watching-her-stories,"� in each stage of child development.

5 minutes after sex: Your slutty ass just let another trucker (or guy wearing a trucker hat) pour his belly batter deep within your body. You think to yourself, "Oh, I'll just go to the bathroom and clean the beav with some toilet paper and that wetnap I stole from Denny's."� However that really doesn't get the job done because despite what you thought, your ovaries are inside your body. Real baby prevention means gettin' your hands dirty. Remember last Thanksgiving when grandma showed you how to stuff the turkey? Well you're kind of doing that"¦just in reverse.

1 month after sex: You've noticed the absence of your monthly visitor. No, it's not the Mexican landscaping townie who stops by the second Friday of every month, it's your period. This has only happened once before, and that was when your dad had that poker party with all his guy friends and your weird Uncle Todd, or Odd Todd as they call him in the pedophilia division at the local police department. Anyways, that's another story for another day. Now your pregnancy is still in its very early stages so you've still got an out. What you'll need are a couple household tools and the aid of a close friend"¦so let's kill two birds with one stone and invite the Mexican gardener over for some quick anti-baby action. Have him screw one end of a 50-foot hose into the faucet. Then, have him lodge the other end of that hose exactly 4 inches inside your vagina. Depending on how loose you are, and I'm assuming your peeeeeeretttty looosey goosey, will determine whether or not duct tape is necessary. Turn that faucet up full blast hombre, we're gonna drown that sucker out like a groundhog in a tunnel!

4 months after sex: Your tummy kind of hurts. Could it have been that seafood you ate last night? Or maybe it's from the shots you took this morning? You know what it probably was? It was probably from 4 months ago when you let the entire football have anal"¦then later that night let the nerdy kid who sits next to you in calculus class have unprotected sex with you. That fetus in getting pretty big and tomorrow you've got the football team's formal "4 month anniversary gang bang"� to attend. The easiest way out of this dilemma is to use man's most powerful weapon, a high-powered futuristic laser beam. The laser beam should be aimed at the your vaginal opening. For the sake of brevity, I will henceforth refer to this "˜vaginal opening' as "˜the Death Star's 2x2 meter Reactive core port opening' and our "˜laser beam' as simply Red Leader Luke Skywalker. Retract your targeting computer, let the force flow through you, and fire!

8 months after sex: That sucker ain't giving up any time soon and you're looking pretty fat and ugly with that huge gut. On top of things, the football team's formal "8 month anniversary gang bang"� is just around the corner. You're pretty heated"¦and that's when it hits you"¦fire! You remember from 8th grade health class that fetuses hate fire because the smoke gets in their eyes. But you're not an idiot, you know smoking cigarettes kills. Instead, you create a makeshift, controlled fire, near your pussy. That's right folks, you're gonna smoke that sucker straight outta his hole!

10 months after sex: So it's a battle of wits ay? Unfortunately for you, ya missed a couple days of health class in middle school. That lil' bundle of joy that now inhabits the cat's litter box is in fact your one-month-old child"¦and that constant coughing is pneumonia. Go to the "medical doctor"� I made fun of before"¦seriously your baby could die. Now would be a good time to use that fist thing I talked about earlier and punch yourself in the uterus, ending further procreation for your slutty stupid slutty ass.

The foundation of every college party is set on one key tool: the plastic red cup. It is the building block on which friendships are carved and relationships are shaped. It is the one thing that all college kids have and hold dearly, only second to their Belushi "College"� shirts and posters. That plastic red cup can be your best friend or your worst enemy though. From the second you walk through the door you're looking for her. You go up to your pal and say, "Hey Jimbo, have you seen Red"� and he points you in the right direction (Okay, maybe you don't refer to the cup as Red, but then again you're friends with a guy named Jimbo, so let it slide). One thing I've noticed is that as the night progresses the red cup goes through some distinct changes that I'd like to share with you in my: "Five Phases of the Plastic Red Cup"�

Phase 1 - You walk in and are instantly surrounded by the hottest chicks in the joint. You say your "hellos", your "yo bros" and especially your "Hey Jimbos!" Then it happens. She'll catch your eye from across the room, gleaming in the light that shines off her beautiful shiny red coat. She's still pure, untouched, just the way you like "˜em. You go up to her and say, "Are you here with anyone?" In your head you have her respond, "No, I'm Solo." That's your ritual to start every awesome night. Then you grab that pretty plastic red cup, ever so gently so as not to dent her figure, and you fill her up right, just enough so it doesn't get messy (Anyone else getting horny, yeah"¦me neither). You've just entered phase one of the plastic red cup: clean, sterile, and beautiful.

Phase 2 - So you've downed a couple brewskies, 'cause it is cool to say brewskies when you're tipsy, and you're feeling mighty fine. Now's the time to go over to that girl you've had your eye on since you got there because, right now, you're at that perfect point where the alcohol has loosened you up a bit to talk to her and you're not too drunk where you're peeing in the trash can, despite the toilet being a foot to the right. So you head over and ease right on next to her saying a smooth line like "What's cookin' good lookin'? You small talk a little bit but then some chump tries to steal your lady, so what do you do? Why what any college hero would do in that situation, challenge him a quick shot drinking contest, just five or six to show him who's boss. Once you take him down you head on back to your girl. Your red cup is in decent condition, a couple smudges here, maybe even a little foam running down the side, but it's all good...for now.

Phase 3 - You take a swig of your beer and put it down for a second. You're going to need both hands "˜cause you're about to do your famous Cosby impression - everyone knows the key to a good Cosby impression are the Jell-O pudding gyrations and gesticulations. After she's finished laughing as loud as humanly possible you look around for your red cup, but you can't find it! Where did it go! Oh my God, I lost it! Shit! And then it hits you, the girl must have been stolen your cup while you were doing that sic Cosby impression. What a stupid whorish bitch! So you call her out on it saying, "Give me my cup back you stupid whorish bitch"� and she gives you this look and walks away. That's when you notice the cup was behind her the entire time and you're just so overjoyed that you don't even care about the girl anymore. Red's taken some shots though, there's a crack at the top and what looks like spit (most likely semen).

Phase 4 - This can be a rough state. Hooking up with any half decent girl is now entirely out of the question, but her fat friend, she's looking pretty hot right now. You're wasted right now so you just down what's left in your cup and drop it as you head out on the dance floor after a girl who bares a striking resemblance to Patrick from Spongebob. She puts her arms on your shoulders, causing your legs to buckle a little under the pressure. You don't know what to hold so you just grab onto those love handles and give it hell. Once the song has ended you're ready to fill your baby back up. The only problem is you can't find her!

Phase 5 - This is where people cease to be distinguished from the rest of the animal kingdom. You can't find your cup, it's gone for good, so you get on all fours and scurry around looking for it. Someone steps on your finger and you start barking at them. You find a cup underneath the couch, it's got dirt and dust in it, but you don't care. You run to the keg, it's empty. But there are plastic red cups everywhere that seem to be unattended. You see three on the counter! The first is a quarter way full and isn't cold anymore, but you down it in a second; the second ones gotta funky smell to it, and you see something brown floating in the bottom, but you don't care "˜cause you're on top of the world and you down that one too. The third cup is even worse, its just isn't cold, its steaming hot, you take a whiff and you smell something, you just can't put your finger on what though, but who cares, you down that one too. That's when your friends come out from behind the curtain with a video camera saying, "Dude, you just drank Frank's piss!"� - Congratulations, you've officially hit phase 5.

Most of you have been in school for about a month. You've gone out to a decent amount of parties, met a good number of people and have had a pretty awesome time. You've been doing so much shit everyday that you've forgot to do some basics. Here are the things you still haven't done, but plan on doing when you get the chance

You still haven't"¦