What do you mean you won't let me in? Are you being serious? Is this a joke? Where's the hidden camera? Of course I'm 21, why else would I try to get into this bar showing my real I.D.?

Well no, I don't think YOU understand. 9 months until I'm 21 and I can come back? I don't think we're on the same page here, brother. It's okay, I had a black friend in high school. Do you really think I'd try and pull a fast one on you? I know you look like half a retard but I'm pretty sure you can do your job.

The thing is I was in the womb for 9 months, so technically, I am 21. And I don't think even you could argue with this reasoning. Are you pro-life or pro-choice? So you're for abortions? Against? Ok, then you're pro-life, not pro-choice, you had them mixed up I think.

Pick out the object you desire within the first minute of entering the room. If you don’t go up to her within the next 5 seconds don’t even bother. Just leave. You’ve already lost the battle.

Start off by shooting a couple negs at her, then follow up with a few cryptos and start emitting aura level 3 around her biosphere in a counterclockwise fashion.

Once she’s under your spell start whispering incantations into one ear, as a friend, preferably your wingman, screams preselected memorized Bible verses, in particular Deuteronomy 7-12 and Leviticus 7 in the other ear (Note: If she’s a red head maybe try Genesis 44 or 45).

Allow 5 to 10 minutes for the aural subliminal messages to simmer while you take the time to coat her face in a thin herbal-mint balm mixed with a hint of crushed olives and balsamic vinegar. For added effect use parsley. This should be done covertly in a bathroom during the party as to minimize posers trying to geek on your game.

Alright everyone, let's start your week off right with Roommate Confessions. Check out the top 5 submissions this week.

My roommate was kind of a douche bag, in fact I hated him. He had a habit of leaving his laundry and shoes around the house. One night I got one of my buddies to poop into a thing of aluminum foil and then freeze the poop in the freezer. When I heard him get up the next day for class and get in shower I went in the kitchen, put on some gloves, unwrapped the poop, cut it into chips and put it in his shoes and the back pocket of the jeans that he was going to wear for that day. He might not have noticed the smell when the poop chips were frozen, but when they melted on his way to class and during class he sure did. I could not understand why he moved out.
Pete, Eastern Kentucky University

My roommate was the most boring person I'd ever met. She made a huge deal of her fondness for Bob Dylan as though it were some great aberration from society's mores and apparently had no other interests. She was also loud. After I got tired of her and her vapid friends chattering about nothing all night, I festooned my side of the room with toy dragons, snakes, rats, and vultures, plastered my half of the walls with posters of fantasy scenes and scientific diagrams, and invited all my weirdest friends over to play Dungeons and Dragons. She was gone by November.
Sibs, Smith

Girls can be mean. Really mean. That's why this week's Roommate Confessions is devoted to the ladies. I'm here to show you girls that are just as disgusting as guys... actually, more disgusting.

I moved in with a girl that I thought was normal who turned out to have every problem in the book - she was a slob, a complete whore, a coke addict, and alcoholic amongst other things. She became so unbearable and dangerous to live with that I eventually called her parents and told them the truth about their little angel. She was gone within a half an hour.
Heather, UMass Lowell

I took a screen shot of your desktop and set it as your desktop. Then I deleted your shortcut icons and hid the toolbar.
Rebecca, School Not Given

I've compiled a list of these lies, that if you ever heard someone say you'd think to yourself "That's pretty awesome, but not too ridiculous where I'd consider it to be a lie". These are borderline believable, but so random and absurd that no one could 1) prove you wrong nor 2) one-up you with a more believable lie. That's what I was going for, so the next time you don't have an opening line to talk to a girl, just rip out one of these BBLs and watch a beautiful conversation unfold before your very eyes. All healthy relationships are based on little white lies, just ask your divorced parents.

• I was an extra in "Little Nicky" but they cut my scene out last minute. Adam Sandler is exactly how I imagined though.

• I was actually on an unaired episode of Nick Cannon's "Wild 'N Out".

• My family was on "Double Dare" back in the day. We had the tape at home but I think my dad recorded over it by accident. We made it as far as the obstacle course but my little brother lost it for us at the giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Start your week off right with Roommate Confessions! Check out the horrible and disgusting things some roommates do to "get even" or just read up on some pretty funny and inspiring pranks. Here they are...

My roommate during freshman year was a complete pig. Somehow, unknown to me, he would manage to polish off an entire roll of toilet paper in a 24hour period. Despite his extreme use of this toiletry necessity, he would never go out and buy any for the house. In a fit of rage, me and the other guys took the roll and sprinkled itching powder all over it. I can only imagine the pain he went through that night.
David, McMaster University

My freshman roommate's girlfriend would call him all the time, but he didn't take his phone to class. When she called and he was not there, I'd answer it and hang up on her, then delete all evidence from his phone. She always got pissed at him for ignoring her and he couldn't figure out why.
Anthony, South Dakota State University

Hey guys, here are the top 5 Roommate Confessions for the week. I got a lot of awesome submissions this week to RoommateConfessions@Gmail.com, some so good that I'm saving them for later weeks. Also, the last one is a girl confession!

My roommate sophomore year would whine about everything I did. One day I bought French Toast for breakfast and he complained about how he was allergic to cinnamon and just the smell of it would give him an allergic reaction. The next day, I went out and bought some cinnamon air freshener and sprayed it on his bed every day while he was at class.
Geno, Potsdam State