Jeff Rosenberg's Articles

8 total in July 2008
  • Roommate Confessions

    Issue 37

    by Jeff Rosenberg July 30, 2008


    It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to here!

    I was in a fraternity during my freshman and sophomore years. In my sophomore year there was an incident where two other fraternities trash talked us during rush. The majority of my fraternity didn't care, but 4 of us took it upon ourselves to seek justice. One of our brothers lived next to a hunting reserve, and we went to the pile of dead animals where hunters leave the remains of what they kill and cut two boar heads off with shovels. We then put them on stakes (like in Lord of the Flies) outside the president's of each of the fraternities houses. Needless to say, word spread and a police investigation ensued to no avail.
    Brett C., School Not Given



    Let's just say I wasn't using my bath towel to wipe off the toilet every time you dribbled on the seat...
    Kevin, UCSB



  • The Seven Cigarette Smokers


    The Chainer
    Alright man, we get it, you're a smoking fiend, but do you really need to smoke so much that you have to light your new cigarette with the one you're currently smoking? Maybe you should eat some food or something. You really don't look well. When was the last time you had a bran muffin? How about some yogurt? What you're doing is just the epitome of addiction and you're giving all those casual smokers a bad name.



    The Dragger
    In the world of cigarettes you're either classified as a smoker or a non-smoker; there is no gray area. You can't be on the fence and just have a cigarette from time to time, so either GO HARD or GO HOME! Next time some schlub wants "a drag of your bogue" when he has a couple beers in him, don't hesitate to tell him to go f*ck himself.  The least he could do is offer the standard dollar.


    See More: Smoking Lists
  • Roommate Confessions

    Issue 36

    by Jeff Rosenberg July 24, 2008


    It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our new submission page!

    My freshman year, my roommate was kind of a dbag at times, but overall not bad. We still did this prank for the hell of it. My friends and I set up a fake facebook profile of a girl, in a goal of getting him to go on a blind date with her only to be stood up. We put a lot of work into this, getting the girl a whole back story and a high school. Had pictures and everything. We added students from the same school we put her as. Finally, we added my roommate once we thought the profile was believable enough. And it worked great. We started chatting, ending up adding each other on AIM (had to make up a thing for that too). While we never got him to go on a date, we did get him to invite her to parties and confess to her what his penis size was and that he would make her scream. He now knows it was a fake profile and claims he knew the whole time, but he didn't speak to us for a couple of days.
    Greg M, Iowa State U.


    I was the one who changed your ring tone to 'It's Raining Men' just before your first date in 3 months.
    Dave, School Not Given


  • Lamest College Mascot

    Are you ready for the most epic battle of our generation? The most talked about event in sports history in at least a decade? The most fantastic, intimate, erotic and thrilling event to ever grace your filthy computer monitor? Well here it is ladies and gents, the duel of fates over whose college possesses the lamest mascot in America.
    We pit George Mason's freakish green Gunston against the devilish St. Louis Billiken. Who comes out on top when U-Tulsa's deformed mutant Captain Cane goes head to head against whatever the hell Brutus the Buckeye is? And that's just the beginning folks. It's up to you to decide in the greatest battle of our generation and you can do it here, now, so go and experience the true pandemonium of trying to figure out what drug the people at Arkansas were on when they came up with BollWeevil.



  • Roommate Confessions

    ATTACK OF THE GIRLS

    by Jeff Rosenberg July 17, 2008


    This issue is devoted entirely to GIRLS confessing what they've done to their roommates. It just goes to show you that they're just as mean and vile as us guys!

    I was roommates with a beer hoarding, party crashing, cigarette stealing whore my sophmore year. Near the end of the year I got sick of her ass showing up uninvited to parties I had told her about getting drunk and making a fool of herself so I decided to put a stop to it. When she walked away from her drink to go beg for cigarettes I poured 3/4 of it on the lawn and filled it back up with water from the toilet. The next morning she threw up for a few hours and swore off drinking with my friends. Ha ha ha.
    Claire Y, School Not Given



  • Moments Before

    ... My First Shot

    by Jeff Rosenberg July 15, 2008


    I did it. I finally did it. I graduated summa cum laude from one of the most sought after collegiate institutions in the country. I've finished at the top of my class and have rightfully earned my place among the finanicial titans at Morgan Stanley starting August 1st. I did it. I really really did it! !slice

    While everyone was dilly-dallying, drinking their 40 ounces of malt liquor and playing whatever RPG game these kids play these days, I was busting my butt studying in the library until the wee hours of the morning. I didn't spend countless nights intoxicating my mind and body like so many of my inferior peers. No sir. I was the President of the Young Republicans Society and Treasurer of my class every semester for 4 years, not to mention the manager of the Men's Swim Team for two consecutive seasons. Few can boast such accomplishments in a mere 4 years.

    I didn't waste my time going to the gym working out insignificant muscles. I didn't burn hours socializing on nights and weekends nor did I waste time by seeking a significant other to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with. So what if I didn't "find love" or "make lifelong friends" and "have the time of my life".

    So here I sit at the crossroads of my life with the future at my fingertips. I've worked hard to get where I am today so the Young Republicans Society, in their infinite wisdom, was generous enough to commemorate me with this finely aged bottle of Virginia Lightning Corn Whiskey, which I will now toast to myself in a celebratory manner within the confines of my dorm room.

    To success!




    See More: Moments Before
  • Roommate Confessions

    Issue 34

    by Jeff Rosenberg July 10, 2008


    It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our new submission page!

    Well remember how you believe in Global Warming and I called you a hippie for the last 2 semesters. Also remember when you went to Blockbuster to rent Cloverfield for our other roommate but then came back with Rent and said that Cloverfield caused motion sickness. Well before you left to go back to Canada we wrapped flour up in saran wrap and taped it up with duct tape and hid it in your suitcase where you will not find it. Have fun getting through security hippie.

    Matt W., Griffith University

    My friend Chuck and I were leaving for a beach trip so my cousin Dan had the house to himself. We decided to just hang out somewhere for a bit and then pretend to break in and rob him since he had thought we were long gone. We came back with paintball masks and paintball guns so he could experience the full effect. I kicked open the back door and screamed, "Get over here mother f*cker!" In his boxers, Dan flew through the house to the back where we were pointing the guns, and he threw a glass bottle at my face that exploded everywhere and sliced his feet up. He then tackled me onto the stove and started punching the sh*t out of me. Chuck was able to grab him off and we settled Dan down. We found out he stayed at a neighbor's while we were gone and he's still afraid to stay home alone.
    Jimmy D., Mount Saint Mary



  • Roommate Confessions

    Issue 33

    by Jeff Rosenberg July 06, 2008


    It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our new submission page!

    That was pretty clever hiding your porn within the thousands of files in your iTunes. Almost as clever as me changing your iChat away message to "Current iTunes Song". We're all still curious how cute the "18yo russian lolita gangbanged" was.

    Joshua Deckard, James Madison University

    You left your sh*t all over the room, never washed your clothes or sheets, and made our room reek of pot all year long. I never stopped you from hooking up with the fat ugly chicks you found in the bathrooms at the end of parties every weekend. I win.
    PH, School Not Given



  • Jeff Rosenberg NYU

    About Me

    Jeffrey Mortecai Rosenberg hatched out of an enormous egg fully grown in 1998. Unfortunately, such little experience in life made high school a nightmare as he was constantly ridiculed with witty nicknames like “egg boy”, “boy who hatched outta an egg”, and “stupid rich jewish fuck”. After years of therapy and reconstructive surgery, Jeff was ready to enter the real world. He has made it his life’s goal to rid SNL of Kenan Thompson, replacing him with his much funnier, comical sidekick Kel. For reasons unbeknownst to others, Jeff enjoys eating chicken seed, rallying anti-chicken cruelty protests, and having sex with chickens. Jeff is also incapable of knowing when he’s taken a bad joke way too far.

    Email me at jeffrosenberg@collegehumor.com!!!

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