Jeff Rosenberg's Articles

6 total in August 2008

  • Orientation Week 2008

    Starting Fresh, Making Friendz and Getting Your D Moist

    by Jeff Rosenberg August 27, 2008


    I know this sounds cliche, but college really is a new beginning, a clean slate to start fresh despite your not so desirable high school past. This rings especially true if you were a loser in high school. Not sure if you were a loser? Do any of these apply to you: In Band (not to be confused with in a band, totally different), choir, drama, math team, computer club, astronomy club, any club that required you to collect and store bugs in your room, or male badminton? If so, I've got the perfect news for you - you're going to college, so now is the time to make up an entirely new personality. Here are some possible personas that you should seriously consider adopting.

    Tough Guy - Were you a dweeb in high school who was constantly pushed around? Well here's the one for you. The key to this one is that anyone can be tough, no matter what size you are. Actually in some cases, the smaller the better. This is a nice one if you're a little guy and are sick of getting picked on. Go to your first party, walk in, find the biggest douche there and punch him square in the face. Now don't get scared, but the next thing you do will hurt tremendously, but it'll be worth it and hurt a lot less than him gouging your eyes out. Take a lit cigarette from someone standing near you and put it out on your arm, while staring in the guy's face, without flinching. Once your done everyone will cheer uncontrollably and the head cheerleader will give you a blowjob in front of everyone. I swear.
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  • Roommate Confessions

    Freshman Year

    by Jeff Rosenberg August 25, 2008


    This week's roommate confession is devoted entirely to freshman confessions, pranks and sins so pure and evil that I couldn't squeeze it down to just 5, so it's 10. That's right! That's like, two weeks of confessions wrapped into one cheesy gordita crunch. So check out the top 10 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!

    My freshman year I was at a party and there was a guy there who was wasted, loud, and obviously thought he wasn't a douche bag. As it turns out, he was; so when he set down his beer I took it outside, dumped out 3/4 of it, and my roommate and I took turns peeing and ashing cigarettes into it until it was full again. I then set the beer back where he left it and watched as he drank the rest of his piss cocktail. Every time he got loud after that I told him that he was "Piss drunk" and he would laugh. I laughed too, but not with him.

    Brandon Yuenger, GVSU

    My freshman year I arrived at the dorm first and claimed the bottom bunk. My roommate was afraid to sleep on the top so he used an air mattress. He was also a total freak in innumerable other ways as evidenced by said air mattress... Anyway, I was sick of him after the first couple weeks of school and poked a hole in his mattress with a push pin while he was in class. It was a slow leak so he would end up on the floor every night after a few hours. He could never figure out why. I don't feel bad.
    Shimmy Annonymous, East Tennessee State University

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  • Roommate Confessions

    Issue 39

    by Jeff Rosenberg August 17, 2008


    It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our new submission page!

    My first year of college I met a girl and we began to date. Our second year of college we decided to move in together. After living with her for several months, I decided I could not take anymore of her bitchy attitude. I broke up with her and before she moved out I filled her shower curtain bar with dead shrimp. From what I heard she moved in and out of three apartments because of an unbearable odor in each of them. When she found what the source of the odor was while in the shower she freaked out, slipping in the shower and knocking out one of her front teeth. She looked like Alfred on the cover of MAD magazine.
    Andrew Humerson, UC San Diego

    I caught you stealing my shampoo. I hope you didn't lose too much hair when I replaced it with Nair on the last night we lived together.

    Kevin McDonald, University of Washington

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  • Roommate Confessions

    Issue 38

    by Jeff Rosenberg August 08, 2008


    It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our new submission page!

    My roommate used to cheat on his girlfriend all first semester and steal from my bag of "broccoli". He ended up stealing my iPod so I stole his car keys which he had no replacement to. I told my suitemate so later that day we ended up tossing his car, room, house, and mailbox key into the ocean. Grand total replacement-850 dollars.
    Alex Fornaro, UMass Dartmouth

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  • Office Pranks

    We've had some pretty sick nasty office pranks around the CollegeHumor offices over the years, so we thought we'd share a select few gems from the archives. If you feel like you can upstage us, well go to hell, then send yours to MyOfficePranks@GMail.com.

    When one of the developers, Amir, went to lunch we took a label maker and labeled everything on his desk - his pencils, his keyboard buttons, his mouse.  We also labeled every piece of paper in his printer as "Paper". We also coverered Streeter's entire desk area in little cups of water when he was out of the office. That'll teach people to leave.
    Sarah and Team, Editorial


    On my birthday a bunch of people duct taped me to my chair, put me in the elevator and sent me down to the lobby.
    Nick, Development

    I took this bartending class with two people from work (who live together) and we were supposed to get our certificates 2 weeks after the final if we passed. I got mine a day early so I decided to scan the acceptance letter into Photoshop and change it to a rejection letter, then, with the help of his roommate supplying me with a mailbox key, went to his apartment, opened the manilla envelope on the bottom, took out the replaced the certificate with the rejection letter then used double sided tape to seal it back up.
    Rosie, Editorial
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  • Chuck E. Cheese and the Pizza Time Players

    Chuck E. Cheese: Alright, from the top! No one leaves 'til we get this down.

    Helen Henny:     C'mon Chuck, you've had us locked up here forever.

    Mr. Munch:     Yeah, we could use a break.

    Chuck E. Cheese:     We don't stop. We never, ever stop. From the top gang.

    *The Pizza Time Players start rocking out but Mr Munch can't keep up with the pace on the piano*

    Chuck E. Cheese:     Stop. STOP! What's the problem Munch?

    Mr. Munch:     My fingers hurt. It feels like they're on fire.

    Chuck E. Cheese:     No pain, no gain. Jasper Jowls how we doin' over there, ya mutt?

    Jasper T. Jowls:     I need water.

    Chuck E. Cheese:     Have another slice of pizza.

    Jasper:     No. No more pizza. Please. Just water.

    Chuck E. Cheese:     You'll get your bowl later. From the top! One and a tw-

    Pasqually:     Theese is inhumana ah Mista Cheeeese.
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    • Jeff Rosenberg NYU

    About Me

    Jeffrey Mortecai Rosenberg hatched out of an enormous egg fully grown in 1998. Unfortunately, such little experience in life made high school a nightmare as he was constantly ridiculed with witty nicknames like “egg boy”, “boy who hatched outta an egg”, and “stupid rich jewish fuck”. After years of therapy and reconstructive surgery, Jeff was ready to enter the real world. He has made it his life’s goal to rid SNL of Kenan Thompson, replacing him with his much funnier, comical sidekick Kel. For reasons unbeknownst to others, Jeff enjoys eating chicken seed, rallying anti-chicken cruelty protests, and having sex with chickens. Jeff is also incapable of knowing when he’s taken a bad joke way too far.

    Email me at jeffrosenberg@collegehumor.com!!!

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