Zach Oberman's Articles

3 total in September 2006
  • With the school year underway, many students have been hit by the realization that college courses are really boring. Fortunately, learning doesn't have to be a chore. Just like Driver's Ed and your Bar Mitzvah, any lecture can be made a lot more exciting by turning it into a drinking game. The rules are as follows (to be played with beer unless otherwise specified): Rule Number 1: Someone walks in, looks around with a dazed expression and asks, "Is this Astro 10?" - 1 shot. Rule Number 2: Professor uses unfamiliar vocabulary - .25 shot
    Rule Number 3: Someone appears to be taking very thorough notes on their computer while actually looking at MySpace, IM'ing, or playing Bejeweled - .5 shot. If they are looking at porn - 2 shots. Rule Number 4: Professor asks a question; is asked to repeat the question - .5 shot per repetition. Rule Number 5: Someone raises hand, rephrases what the professor JUST said in the form of a question, then seems smugly self-satisfied when the professor confirms it - 1 shot. If it's you - 2 shots; punch yourself in the testicles. Rule Number 6: You make the conscious decision to stop taking notes, figuring you'll borrow them from some smart looking (read: Asian) kid later - All subsequent shots are to be bourbon; 1 shot. Rule Number 7: Someone's phone rings and they frantically try to shut it off - .5 shot for every time they say they are sorry while not actually turning it off. Rule Number 8: Professor assigns reading and class melodramatically groans even though it was already on the syllabus - 1 shot, unless player shouts, "Is that all you got, pussy??"


  • Razor blades: Those things are expensive and I hate having to buy them. Who wouldn't be happy to find some Mach 4s in their breakfast? I see no reason why this wouldn't also work with Halloween candy. Condoms: Also expensive, and I always seem to run out at the wrong time. Wouldn't it be great if I could say, "relax, baby, I got a box of Lucky Charms in the kitchen"? The condoms wouldn't even need to be wrapped; the crumbs might be uncomfortable at first, but it will be worth it when I can go around telling the ladies that I'm "magically delicious." Immodium AD: I love cereal but I'm lactose intolerant. Now we're selling the solution with the problem, like peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. An AOL CD: They're nearly impossible to find, and I've been looking EVERYWHERE. Rolling papers: Uh"¦no particular reason, but I'm thinking these would come in handy when I'm in the mood for cereal.


  • This Week in Masturbation

    Who's in: NFL Cheerleaders It's that time of year again... ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL (themed orgy fantasies involving the Philadelphia Eagles cheering squad)?? HELL YEAH, I AM!!! Who's out: Lindsay Lohan It should go without saying that whenever I think a girl is hot, I'm operating under the assumption that she has a relatively normal and functional vagina - but sweet Sassy Molassy! This week, possibly Photoshopped pictures were posted of LL's honey pot, which looks like a normal vagina that has been hit with a hammer. I'd put up a link to it, but as soon as I saw the pictures I threw my computer in a tub of bleach. It's like she got it caught in a Parent Trap! HAHAHAHAHA! Wait, I meant "Bear Trap."


Zach Oberman
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Zach Oberman chose to forego the NFL draft and stay in college for his...

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