Two quantum physicists try and have sex with their smoking-hot neighbor. First of all, Kudos to CBS for finally listening to those legions of fans clamoring for content about the riveting, laugh-a-minute lives of quantum physicists. (Anyone who has ever heard Stephen Hawking tell “The Aristocrats” knows what I’m talking about.) In an average sit-com, the “Hot Chick Next Door” scenario would be a single episode, but I’m sure the writing staff will have no problem stretching that one flimsy premise into a TV franchise to rival Cheers. Just imagine the comedic gold as the lady fends off the geeks’ awkward advances while flirting just enough so they’ll rip her CD collection onto her new iPod. Then tune-in next week, when she fends off the geeks’ awkward advances while flirting just enough so they’ll hook up her digital camera and upload her vacation photos from Cancun. It’s like a Madlib of hilarity, and best of all, the title says “Bang.”

Cane

An epic drama following a powerful Cuban family whose fortune comes from importing a white powder. No, no, I’m talking about sugar, silly! Though they also import rum, which as we all know, goes well with Coke. And it stars Jimmy Smits, who played a drug dealer in Running Scared. I actually think the title was shortened from the original: “Shmocaine”.

As the great Homer Simpson once said, “Firs’ you get the chugar. ‘Den you get the power. ‘Den you get the weemennnnnnnnn….” Personally, I’m excited for Cane. I always said that if The Sopranos had just done away with the cussing, tits and violence, then it might have had a chance at being a hit.

Chuck

A fix-it guy in a Best Buy-like electronics chain accidentally reads an email that downloads every government secret into his brain. Then the CIA has to protect him with their most buxom agent. Hilarity ensues. At first this show had me really excited. Between Chuck and The Big Bang Theory, it seemed like my dreams had come true: geek was now chic; nerd was the new black. I prepared myself for pussy in quantities previously reserved for produce, like bushels and grosses. Then I called every single girl I’ve ever wanted to sleep with, and now I have to figure out what to do with a kilo of condoms. Stupid Costco.

It’s hard to figure out which part of the plot requires more suspension of my disbelief. First, there’s the hot CIA agent, who comes from the same porniverse where cable repairmen put Wilt Chamberlain to shame. Second, an email that “downloads” government secrets into a man’s brain suggests that my mother was hired as a technical consultant. But the worst of all is that advertisements for this show say that Chuck is a nerd. Anyone who has ever taken their PC into a Best Buy knows that it would take them two weeks to install an ink cartridge in your printer. They aren’t nerds; they aren’t even graduates of ITT Tech.

The Bionic Woman

After being nearly killed in a car accident, a woman’s body is largely rebuilt using cutting-edge technology, giving her enhanced abilities and super strength.NBC’s all-out marketing campaign suggests they’ll do whatever it takes to make it a hit. My only concern is that the show will send a message to young women that the only way to succeed is to be surgically enhanced.

That being said, the only way I’m watching the show is if they give her big boobs. I mean, as long as you got her on the table…

Private Practice

Grey’s Anatomy, but in a different city. What I’m really afraid of is that in three years’ time, Grey’s Anatomy will be a franchise to rival CSI. If you’re a guy, make plans to be somewhere else whenever this show is on. If it’s anything like Grey’s, it will leave women emotionally charged, and positive about one or more of the following:

1) There are other guys out there infinitely hotter and richer than you, yet these guys also never fail to be witty and romantic. Should they ever happen to hurt a woman emotionally, it will be because they had her best interests in heart. Later, they will make it up to her with romance and, presumably, tons of oral sex. You suck.

2) The men out there who aren’t hot and romantic constantly do the stupidest shit. The stupid shit they do is the reason behind all of their troubles with the women in their lives. They are probably selfish lovers who want blowjobs all the time. Your girlfriend is reminded of you.

3) On the off-chance that a woman makes a mistake, it is only because she has a lot of other things going on in her life. She’s got a little emotional, and flustered, but that’s perfectly understandable, and therefore so is whatever she did. Anyone who holds it against her is an insensitive prick. You, for example.

Cashmere Mafia/Big Shots

Here’s the description of Cashmere Mafia, from ABC’s website: “Four Manhattan women bonded by their Ivy League educations and executive success… support each other through rocky marriages, rival colleagues, kids' recitals and the hunt for the perfect loft.” Compare that to the description of Big Shots: “The lines between boardroom and bedroom blur in Big Shots, the story of four friends who are at the top of their game... until the women in their lives enter the room.”

If the two shows could somehow have a conversation, here’s how I imagine it would go…

Cashmere Mafia: I’m thrilled to have an opportunity to showcase successful, powerful women.

Big Shots: Women ain’t nothin’ but bitches and ho’s.

Cashmere Mafia: We both know that isn’t true. All over America, women are executives, captains of industry, even the Secretary of State.

Big Shots: To the moon, Alice!

Cashmere Mafia: Admittedly, I am a blatant rip-off of Sex in the City. And I can’t even describe women helping each other without mentioning shopping…

Big Shots: Women be shoppin’! Women. Be. Shopping.

Cashmere Mafia: Ooh, shoes!

December.  Well, December-ish.  Sometimes November.  See, here’s the thing.  Jews don’t really like to be tied down with dates and everything.  It’s best to keep an open schedule, just in case your neighbors decide to throw a last-minute Inquisition. 

Actually, Jewish holidays occur according to a lunar calendar, unlike the conventional Julian calendar.  There are plenty of reasons why we should switch over, just like there are a lot of reasons America should switch to the metric system.  Good luck making that happen.

In general, when you want to find out when a Jewish Holiday is, find increasingly observant Jews and ask them until you have an answer.  The internet-savvy could say that they “Jew-ggled it.”

2) What do Jews typically eat on Channukah?

Latkes.  Latkes are potatoes and onions, shredded or mashed, then mixed with an egg and some flour, formed into patties and fried.  Despite being made exactly like hash browns, they somehow taste much more awesome than hash browns.  Definitely worth the circumcision, in my opinion.

3) I always heard that Jews receive eight presents for Channukah, one for each day.  Is that true?

Turns out that this is another December myth, just like Santa Claus and the idea that egg nog can be worthwhile without booze in it.  You know how it sucks figuring out what to get people for the holidays?  Mulitply that by eight.  That’s why Jews usually get one big present broken into eight different parts, like that year my parents gave me a Nintendo, but I had to wait seven days to get the power cord.  We just tell the Gentiles that bit about the eight presents to make their kids jealous.

4) What the hell is Dreidle?

A great way to keep kids entertained for twenty or thirty seconds.  The Dreidle itself is a spinning top with four sides and one Hebrew character on each side.  Supposedly it makes for some kind of gambling game, but no one knows the rules, because unlike legitimate games of chance, it isn’t played in a casino or by the black guys outside my apartment building.  These days, kids play Dreidle for chocolate coins wrapped in foil, and near as I can tell, the rules go like this: one player spins the Dreidle until such time as it rolls under a couch or similarly heavy piece of furniture, at which point all players eat their remaining chocolate and go off searching for the power cord to their new Nintendo.

5) How do you spell Channukah? 

It’s understandable that people are frustrated by the lack of a standard spelling for the name.  No matter how you spell it, you can’t get it right.  But that means you can’t really get it wrong either.  Think of it as free-form improvisation.  This year I wrote all of my cards spelling it with a pound sign, and I’d bet five bucks that no one says a word.

6) Are there any good Channukah songs and/or carols?

What, “Dreidle Dreidle Dreidle” isn’t enough for you???   Well then…um… some of our prayers have catchy tunes…  To be honest, for the most part we just sit around waiting to find out if Adam Sandler has come up with more liquor and/or marijuana based rhymes for “Channukah”.

7) What should I get a Jew for Channukah? 

Turns out that Jews like iTunes Gift Certificates, Starbucks Cards and giant tubs of popcorn divided into Butter, Cheese, and Caramel flavors just as much as the next Gentile.  There’s just one thing.  If you don’t mind, please make sure the front of the card doesn’t have Santa on it.  You can wish us a “Merry Channukah” all you want, but we all know what that word crossed out above Channukah is.

8) Do Jews have a traditional Channukah movie?  Y’know, like It’s a Wonderful Life?

Die Hard.  Not that it needs an explanation, but if Bruce Willis ever goes face to face with that claymation Reindeer, Rudolph’s nose will be red all right… with his own blood.