There are two ways the old professor can go. If you're lucky, you'll get the older professor whose rickety, liver-spotted hands have been grading papers since before perforated edges were invented and who is just waiting another year or two to retire. His assignments are brief and he's convinced that the class is 25 minutes shorter than it really is. You would love him if he weren't so repulsive. Sadly, the odds are greater that you'll be stuck with the other type of old professor, the one who intends to keep teaching in spite of his age. The only time-wasting tangents he'll ever get into is how everything has gone to sh*t in this modern age, and how students don't care at all. He will give you a 30 minute lecture on how dangerous Spell Check is and how type writers are much more efficient. But no matter what type of old professor you end up with, there's always the super high chance he'll die mid semester and then you get an automatic A, right? Right?

---

Sometimes God loves you in a very special way, and as a reward for reading nine hundred pages of Shakespeare, he'll send you the hottest professor you've ever seen. All your life you thought tweed was for dying englishmen, but then she walks in looking like she just came from a foxhunt sposored by Victoria's Secret. Every article of clothing on her body seems custom made to hug all her curves and keep you from learning a single thing. How are you supposed to focus on the subtle ironies within the supporting cast of Candide when you're busy trying to pop a button off of a blouse with your mind? That's assuming you'd actually have a chance, which you don't. She is already dating an equally good-looking man who's written two books and has a collection of tribal masks in his billiard room; the closest you'll ever get is going home and finding a website where the porn stars wear glasses.

Give yourselves a pat on the back, friends.  Because today, we are all officially as successful as Stephen Baldwin. (Celebslam)

To us!

This week, Jude Law made headlines after he punched a female paparazzi in the back of the head.  Apparently Urban Dictionary was loading too slowly, so he only got half of the instructions. (WWTDD)

The Jackson family is determined to sue this week, after deciding that someone must take responsibility for Michael's death.  Since it's clearly not Michael's fault that he was self-medicating. (WWTDD)

After Entourage took a dig at Seth Rogen this week, the actor responded, saying he never had and never would watch the show.  Then Jason Segel made him breakfast so Jonah Hill could drive him to a meeting Judd Apatow set up for him. (WWTDD)

The star of Burn Notice was arrested this week after driving drunk straight into a police car.  He then resisted arrest by running directly into a nearby jail.  You crazy famous people! (Celebslam)

I've never understood why I spend $150 for a book, but when I go to sell it, I only get $50 for it. And that's on a good day. I didn't write in the thing, and I sure as hell didn't read it. This is what those Book Buy Back signs should say...

Marine 1: Did you hear the announcement? We're being reassigned.

Marine 2: What? That's great news! Maybe now we'll finally see some action!

Marine 1: We're being reassigned... to Master Chief's unit.

Marine 2: Oh. Oh, no.

Marine 1: I know.

Marine 2: Are... are we being punished? Did we do something wrong?

Marine 1: Sarge told me it was an honor. An honor.

Marine 2: That bastard.

Marine 3 enters

Marine 3: Hey guys, did you hear the news? We're going to be in the 254th Spartan Support Unit! We get to meet Master Chief! Holy cow, I gotta go call my mom!

Marine 1: He doesn't know.

I swear to God you guys, she said that. Seriously, you don’t understand how much I need this. Just do this one thing for me, you know I’d do it for you. Check this out.

 
100 likes I get the threesome

 
150 likes and it gets to be with another girl

 
200 likes and I post pictures of it

 
300 likes and she won’t tell people I hit her

 
400 likes and I can have Amir Blumenfeld videotape it

450 likes and Jeff Rubin will videotape Amir videotaping it, and we'll post it on CollegeHumor

 
500 likes and she’ll respect me

 
550 likes and I get anal.

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Sober ::: Drunk