Chase Mitchell's Articles
4 total in December 2007
Enthusiastic Movie Reviews
It's awards season, once again time for Hollywood marketing gurus to gather all the positive blurbs they can for their Oscar-bait films. Critical praise, it turns out, isn't so hard to come by. One recent example:
"Absolutely magical! It's like Jesus Christ just came on my face, and I lapped up every bit of it!"
- Shawn Edwards, FOX-TV
"I cut off some of my toes with garden shears, just to use as extra thumbs!"
- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times
"Knowing I would never gaze upon anything quite so wonderous as this, I gouged out my own eyes, as well as those of the gentleman next to me, as soon as the credits rolled! He'll thank me later!"
- Owen Gleiberman, Entertainment Weekly
"You should be legally permitted to shoot anyone who doesn't LOVE LOVE LOVE this film. Right in the face. Are you hearing me, Congress?"
- Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
"(Director) Jay Russell should void his bowels on a pile of 'Schindler's List' DVDs and use the original print of 'Citizen Kane' to clean his dirty asshole!"
- Gene Shalit, NBC
"So good, I blacked out in the theater and regained consciousness eight hours later, lying face up in my backyard, covered in blood and hair! This movie made me slaughter my whole family! The worst part is, they would have loved it!!"
- Pete Hammond, Maxim
What the Places You Shop At Say About You
Bath and Body Works
Guys: My girlfriend is withholding sex until I buy her a $7 bottle of oil the size of a thimble that contains the fragrant aroma of a whimsical gumdrop forest.
Girls: I smell.
Abercrombie and Fitch
I enjoy things that throb -- like techno music and dicks.
Spencer Gifts
Things you'll find in my room: A blacklight, a lava lamp, a fart machine and a hilarious poster that shows all the different kinds of shits you can take.
Things you won't find: Friends.
Fossil
Ask me about my awesome collection of retro tins. (Seriously. Please ask me?)
The Sharper Image
Guys:I enjoy simplifying my life through technology, and daydream of one day owning an anatomically correct helper robot that will cook, clean and give me slightly-cold-but-still-better-than-nothing blowjobs whenever I want.
Girls: I really have my eye on that cylindrical, shower-safe massager wand... for back problems.
Hot Topic
Either gender: My ultimate sexual fantasy is a three-way with Davey Havok and Helena Bonham Carter, which would somehow involve knives, smeared eyeliner and a bottle of absinthe. My favorite movie of all time is "The Nightmare Before Christmas." I hate all the music you listen to, but don't feel too bad -- in a month's time I'll hate all the music I'm currently listening to just as much.
Other things I hate:
- Skin tone.
- Gloves with fingers.
- Un-slit wrists.
Macy's
I'm here with my Mom. We're buying new undies because mine have poo-poo stains and I need more before spring semester.
How to Spout 007-Quality Quips in Your Everyday Life
What guy doesn't want to be more like James Bond, right? Well guess what, fellas? With this handy guide, you're one step closer! Just take a look at some of these common scenarios, followed by what you should say in response. Remember, feelings are for pussies!
— You get word from mom and dad that your grandmother passed away in her sleep last night:
"Shame. She had so much left to live for."
— You witness your best friend violently choke to death on a mozzerella stick in the campus dining hall:
"Guess I'll have to inform his parents. I fear the news will be a little (raise eyebrow) hard to swallow?"
— Your girlfriend fights back tears as she informs you that her parents died instantly in a head-on collision:
"This tragedy has reduced me to a crumpled heap. Oh wait, that's them."
— Resistant to the temptations of drugs and premarital sex his entire life, your 25-year-old cousin selflessly offers up his super-healthy blood when your aunt needs an emergency transfusion. While donating, he contracts AIDS from improperly cleaned medical instruments:
"The only thing he wasn't immune to... was irony."
And finally:
— Your brother, an ace pilot in the U.S. Navy, returns home from overseas only to discover that his fiancee has been sleeping with you the entire time he was away. Distraught, he gets in his car and drives out to the tallest bridge in the state, where he quietly assesses his situation... and jumps:
"Well I guess he's not so good at flying after all."
See?? It's THAT easy!!
(Not So) Famous Last Words
"BRB. Gotta take a sh*t."
- Elvis Presley
"At least no one will remember me for this terrible disease."
- Lou Gehrig
"This is really rather exciting! Let's lose them in the tunnel!"
- Princess Diana
"(Whispering) So, wait, does THAT lady know that THAT guy is the cousin? Sh*t, I totally missed whatever she just sai--"
- Abraham Lincoln
"Oooooo, knife party!! Why didn't anyone tell me? Brutus?"
- Julius Caesar
"They... were... just... magic tricks."
- Jesus Christ
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