Chase Mitchell's Articles

7 total in March 2008

CollegeHumor Classic

Talking to Myself

by Chase Mitchell April 04, 2008

Keep Reading

See More: Notes Alcohol Collegehumor Classic

Like it? You Like it! (688) Comments (112)

Birthday Card Ideas For My 100-Year-Old Grandmother

Keep Reading

See More: Old People Cards

Like it? You Like it! (329) Comments (83)

Classes Offered at Colloquial Metaphor University

Mountain Making (Formerly Molehill Making)
Bucket Kicking
Elbow Greasing
Gun Jumping
Seeing You Later (Prereq: being an alligator)
Boot Knocking
Penny Saving (Also listed as Penny Earning)
Piper Paying
Pipe Laying
Lip Zipping
Chain Yanking
Heads Making (Optional co-req: Tails Making)
Cow Having, Man
Cheese Cutting
Turd Polishing

No longer offered:

Pot Watching

Delayed:

Chicken Counting

Thank you's go to Matt Gorman, Mr Kreeg, Adam Hrabik('s profile) and Happy Happy Happy Man for tossing out ideas.

View Article

Like it? You Like it! (8) Comments (4)

Your Break-Up, Translated

Baby, we need to talk.

Baby, we've been over for awhile now, but I've been putting off this conversation because I'm a big pussy.

Something is pushing us apart, and I don't know what it is.

It's your stomach. You're gaining weight and it's making my dick sad.

I just don't feel like I can trust you anymore.

I cheated on you.

I don't like to be tied down.

I miss the guilt-free excitement of touching new vaj for the first time.

I really think we should see other people.

I'm already screwing, like, three other people.

You deserve someone better.

I deserve someone better.

I am so sorry.

I am so sorry you're going to make me feel awful about this.

I really hope that we can stay friends.

I really hope that I can keep you at arm's length so I can continue to make your life miserable while retaining you as a reliable back-up.

Please, let me hold you in my arms one last time.
Please, let me f*ck you one last time.

I'll be in touch, OK?

I'll drunk dial you in a few months, OK?

View Article

Like it? You Like it! (21) Comments (9)

Your Campus Police, Translated

Simply roll your mouse over the text to reveal its true meaning!

Driver appears suspicious.

Driver appears black.

Sir, you were driving 43 in a 35.

Sir, you were driving by, and it's the end of the month.

I noticed your vehicle was swerving erratically.

I noticed your vehicle had Greek letters on the back windshield.

How much have you had to drink tonight?

Lie to me.

Can I get you to close your eyes, hold both arms out and slowly touch the tip of your nose with each finger?

Do you believe in miracles?

May I have permission to search your vehicle, sir?

Are you dumb enough to let me do this without probable cause, sir?

I'm confiscating this.

I'm smoking this.

Stop resisting!

Continue to lie there motionless while I taze you for fun!

I'm going to let you off with a warning this time.

I'm unzipping my pants.

I am an officer of the law!

I was a dickhead in high school!

View Article

Like it? You Like it! (219) Comments (92)

What Movies Teach Me

What the 'Back the the Future' Trilogy Taught Me

by Chase Mitchell March 08, 2008

1.) Crispin Glover was born to play the role of George McFly... and therefore has no particular reason to still be alive.

2.) It's possible to carry on a perfectly normal relationship with your mother, even after she's tried to have sex with you.

3.) Also possible? A female ancestor on your father's side who looks exactly like your mom.

4.) Contrary to what seems logical, walking around in a pair of 3-D glasses will NOT improve your ability to beat up buttheads.

5.) It comes across as racist to call a group of black musicians "reefer addicts," even if they are, in fact, smoking reefer when you say that.

6.) Winning some award for writing a science fiction novel is just as worthy of a front-page headline as getting murdered.

7.) Some time between now and 2015, theaters will be inundated with no less than 15 "Jaws" sequels. For unknown reasons, the quality of CGI will plummet.

8.) In just a few years, my shiny rainbow baseball cap will finally be considered cool - instantly justifying the lifetime of beatings I've received for wearing it.

9.) I don't care what Marty says, Biff Tannen knows how to run a f**king town.

View Article

See More: What Movies Teach Me

Like it? You Like it! (15) Comments (10)