CollegeHumor Updates by Chase Mitchell

The Morning After Mad Men: The Inheritance

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Pete and Paul will soon be jetting off to Cali with Crab Colson to drum up some new business. SPACE BUSINESS. And though Don's the one orchestrating this little cross-country endeavor, he still tends to get all Chicken Little when rockets are the topic of conversation. Another thing he can't stomach is Paul's insufferable pomposity, which is why as soon as Kinsey speaks up, Don demands that Pete do all the talking out there. Pete says he'll try and wrangle an astronaut's autograph for Peggy's "nephews," and on a completely unrelated note, it's sweet when a father brings back a souvenir for his child.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Oct 7 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 6 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After Mad Men: Six Month Leave

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Still in trouble at home, Don's been staying at the Roosevelt, which is pretty nice as far as doghouses go. He steps outside to get the paper, and it's bad news: Marilyn Monroe is off to straddle that big sewer grate in the sky. Meanwhile, somewhere in England, a teenager named Elton John is crying through a sparkly pair of pink-tinted sunglasses while he writes a song about candles and wind.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Sep 29 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After Mad Men: A Night To Remember

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> In last week's post-show preview, Joan was depicted saying something along the lines of "someone we thought was dead, is not." But alas, my hopes of a reanimated Don Draper corpse back to reclaim his mantle from the identity-thieving Dick Whitman were dashed at tonight's discovery that Joan had been talking about characters on a soap opera. Never, ever believe previews. They lie so hard.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Sep 15 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

NewsFreed

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Sep 9 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 877 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After Mad Men: The Gold Violin

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> One of the more curious things about Don Draper's life (aside from the whole robotic detachment from humanity thing) is his modest surroundings. Eschewing the allure of both champagne wishes AND caviar dreams, Don seems pretty content with his suburban spread -- a normal sized house that doesn't even have a roller coaster in the backyard. Keep in mind this guy has been a partner at a major Madison Avenue ad agency for at least a year now, so the fact that the Drapers weren't even members of that country club they visited last week just seems... a little odd. But forget all that, because this week Don Draper is moving on up. Not into some dee-luxe apartment in the sky, mind you, but by purchasing a BRAND! NEW! CAR!!

He's at a Cadillac dealership where, on Roger's advice, he's checking out a 1962 Coupe DeVille that, according to the salesman, "does everything except make breakfast." Really. Tell it I'll have the steak and shrimp then. This salesman is busting out all his best lines. The Draper family's Dodge, he says, is "fine if you're going somewhere. This is for when you've already arrived." Poetic.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Sunday, Sep 7 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After Mad Men: Maidenform

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Anyone know the name of the song playing over the opening scene of this week's episode? That has to be one of the coolest bra-putting-on montages I've ever seen. Easily in the top 10. One by one, the various women of "Mad Men" are seen strapping into the over-the-shoulder-holders for their respective boulders, the reason being that Sterling Cooper's top client this week is Playtex.

Cupping women's boobs and pushing them together so they look bigger is only a hobby for most of us, but these guys are professionals, and Paul Kinsey has a big idea for their next campaign. All women fall into two categories, he insists: The Jackies and the Marilyns - and Playtex has the bras to fit both of them. It's pretty simplistic and not all that clever, but hey, this is literally the first pitch of Paul's (pictured on the show, anyway) to be met with a modicum of success, so good for him. Anyway, what's more important is that he arrived at this supposed stroke of genius after a night out drinking with everyone in the boardroom but Peggy, and she's starting to get pretty annoyed that creative decisions, escpecially dumb ones, are being made without her.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Sep 1 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After Mad Men: The New Girl

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Ho. Lee. Sh*t. Now we're rolling. What an episode.

It opens with Pete and his wife at the doctor, trying to get to the bottom of their conceptual difficulties. By now they've been going at it for a year and a half, and Trudy remains babyless, which is really freaking her out. Pete, on the other hand, came along just to make sure nothing's wrong with his gear. The doc poses a few basic questions, like are they ABSOLUTELY SURE they know how to have sex, then splits them up for more a personal interrogation. Alone with Pete, he asks, "Have you ever fathered a child?" to which Pete replies "No," an answer loaded with about 7 pounds, 6 ounces of dramatic irony. Pete then gets all defensive about his potency, to which the doc assures him that even the great George Washington was sterile.(Lies! McCarthy, blacklist this man.) He suggests that Pete return soon for a semen analysis.

The big news around the office is that Joan is off the market, because Dr. Boyfriend finally came to his senses and realized that his busty little redhead is the biggest knockout in Manhattan. (Took him long enough.) The bride-to-be shows off her new ring to a chorus of squeals, courtesy of the Sterling Cooper secretaries and possibly Sal.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Aug 25 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Vampire Roommate

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

"I would prefer if you took down the Sarah Michelle Gellar poster."

Miles: Hey, Vlad?

Vlad: Yeah.

Miles: We need to talk.

Vlad: Ugh... what.

Miles: Look at what I'm holding. What does this look like to you?

Vlad: A pack of Gushers.

Miles: It was. (Squeezes one.) Now they're not gushing anything.

Vlad: That's weird.

Miles: Yeah. Did you suck the juice out of these?

Vlad: Absolutely not.

Miles: You sure? What's that stuff on your teeth, then?

Vlad: Blood, obviously.

Miles: Blood.

Vlad: Yup. Bit a kid earlier.

Miles: It's purple.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Aug 20 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 65 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After Mad Men: Three Sundays

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Mad Men, there's a reason I don't go to church on Sundays. I'd rather worship you. (Also if I walk inside one I burst into flames.) Nevertheless, you chose to open this week's episode at Catholic mass, where Peggy is busy not listening to the priest deliver a pretty applicable sermon about bearing one's own cross (infant child). Feeling nauseous (again, Peggy?), she ducks out the back and runs into the church's new priest: Father Gil, played by Colin Hanks. He tells Peggy that her sister has invited him over for family dinner, then Catholic-guilts her back to her seat.

Meanwhile Don and Betty are in bed, and Betty's on the phone about some barbeque they're supposed to attend. Remembering that he enjoys family gatherings even less than sex with Betty, Don urges his wife to cancel. "Don's not feeling well," Betty says, which is code for "Don is pathetically rubbing his half erect penis on my leg." Suddenly the kids run in, and Don barks at them to get out so he can pretend mommy is another woman for about 15 minutes.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Sunday, Aug 17 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Three Mornings After Mad Men: The Benefactor

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Better late than never, right? ...

Um. Anyone still there?

Just in case, here goes:

Strangely, we didn't see Pete this week, and hardly any Peggy. Maybe those crazy kids were off somewhere making more big-headed bastard babies.

Instead, the somewhat unlikely mad man at the center of this week's ep is Harry Crane, the office "nice guy" who's usually no more than a tertiary character.

When he's delivered Ken Cosgrove's paycheck by mistake, Harry can't resist the siren song of a nearby letter opener, and discovers that Ken makes $100 more a week (that's $37 million in today's dollars - look it up) than he does. Harry phones his knocked up wife to let her know he's an underpaid weenie, which seems like the sort of information you'd be ashamed to tell your spouse. He goes on to question his role at the agency, and even ponders peacing out completely before the missus jumps in front of the wah-mbulance by telling him to nut up and ask for a raise.

Instead, a miracle opportunity arises from a fictional fetus. (Turns out they're handy for more than just tricking boyfriends into sticking around.) Harry phones a friend at CBS and asks if there are any jobs available at the network. There aren't, but his buddy does take a second to bitch about a big TV show of theirs losing sponsors over the topic of abortion. In a rare display of testicular fortitude, Harry takes the courtroom drama to cosmetics company (and Sterling Cooper client since Season 1) Belle Jolie to sell them on sponsoring it. They pass, but the ballsy move and eloquent pitch alone earn Harry a raise from Roger. (See, Republicans? Abortions are good for capitalism.) Meanwhile, on the way out, the Belle Jolie exec who made a pass at Sal last season delivers his failed conquest a knowing glance, making Sal visibly uncomfortable and possibly hard.

Elsewhere (chronologically) at a commercial shoot for Utz potato chips, an inebriated insult comic named Jimmy Barrett (think a skinny Don Rickles with the grey-winged hair of "The Venture Brothers'" Professor Impossible) goes a little too far with a string of fat jokes aimed at the CEO's wife, who just walked in. When it's revealed that Don wasn't there to keep the Utzes off set, he's tasked with arranging a dinner to smooth things over. The reason for Don's midday absence, you ask? A Bohemian brunette? A wealthy Jewess? Try flying solo at the movies. What the hell, Don.

He makes arrangements with Jimmy's wife/manager, who responds by making arrangements to sit on Don's erection. Yeah - that happened. Just when it seemed time to break out the Geritol, Don broke out something else instead, and (somewhat reluctantly) slipped it to the comedian's wife while sitting in a car parked RIGHT ON THE STREET... because who walks down Madison Avenue. Afterward, she agrees to get Jimmy to apologize to the Utzes, and dinner, unlike her underwear, is on.

Betty, meanwhile, is at the stables where her fellow equestrian hobbyist Arthur Case makes it clear that he wants her to try riding something a little less horse-y. His methods of seduction are kind of strange (they consist of telling Betty repeatedly how "profoundly sad" she looks), and her unreceptiveness doesn't stop him from lunging in for a kiss. Surprisingly, considering her behavior back in episiode one, Betty keeps him at bay, but I'm guessing this isn't the last time these two get close.

It's later that night, and dinner so far = Don and Betty and the Utzes. Jimmy and his whore wife are late, and when they finally show, the comic is far more interested in flattering Betty than casting a glace toward the walking whale he's supposed to be saying sorry to.

Sensing the Utzes' growing frustration, Don follows Barrett's wife to the bathroom, where she informs him that Jimmy has changed his mind about that whole apology thing. Don then changes his mind about not grabbing her by the vagina.

Yeah.

In the strangest assertion of dominance since Richie Aprile held a gun to Janice Soprano's head during sex, Don coerces Mrs. Barrett into rethinking Jimmy's decision by pulling her hair with one hand and GRABBING HER SNIZZ WITH THE OTHER. Well played? Apparently so, because it works wonders. Back from the bathroom, she promps the unfunny funnyman to deliver a halfhearted mea culpa, which seems to be enough for Mrs. Utz. She knew insults were his style, she says, but just "doesn't have the stomach" to hear them herself. Jimmy eats his fist to avoid saying something else.

On the way home, Betty spontaneously breaks into tears. When Don asks why she's having such a strange, ridiculously unprovoked emotion (weird that he still sees the novelty in it), she says they're tears of joy - because she and Don make such a good team.

Other thoughts:
- So after all that build-up depicting Don's new Daddy Dearest persona amid Betty flirtation with the dark side, the writers pull a big fast one on us (and on Mrs. Barrett) by having exactly the opposite happen. Don's tryst, however, seems to be solely business-based this time around, which is really good timing, considering his reputation at Sterling-Coop has seen better days.

- The many nuances of Betty's neuroses are endlessly compelling. Numb, shaky hands, bizarre diatribes about her children, uncomfortable sexual tension with the most random people, and now this sudden crying jag... I can't wait to see what she does next. Any psych majors want to venture a guess at some kind of bigger picture here?

Best line:
Betty, after Arthur Case accuses her of looking "profoundly sad."
"No, my people are just Nordic."

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Aug 13 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After Mad Men: Flight 1

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> If you like weed and black chicks and stolen typewriters, you'd love Paul Kinsey's party, which has all three. Everyone at Sterling Cooper is invited, except for Sterling. And Cooper. And Don, who probably went to bed at 8:30 anyway.

It's at this little underlings-only mixer that we meet Harry's wife for the first time, and she's pretty much a horrible shrew, giving him hell for drinking. At a party. He's beholden to her, though, which is probably a lasting effect of confessing his infidelity from Season 1. (However, since the girl Harry cheated with, Hildy, is easily the most attractive woman at Sterling Cooper not named "Joan," everyone - including his wife - should give him a sustained, enthusiastic round of applause.)

We also learn that former drama student Paul used to "dress up like a girl" in college (presumably for the stage, but possibly just for fun), which is still far less gay than the beard/neckerchief combo he's sporting this evening.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Aug 4 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After Mad Men: For Those Who Think Young

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> To get in the proper "Mad Men" mood before reading these recaps, please do the following:

1.) Smoke two packs of unfiltered cigarettes. (Cough and you have to start over.)
2.) Swirl scotch around in a brandy snifter and sip it while sitting in a darkened room.

Finished? Cool. OK first, a brief primer for the uninitiated:

Characters:
Don Draper - Don is our primary protagonist, an expert ad man who likes to drink and smoke and have sex with people who are not his wife. One of the main things that propelled the plot last season was the gradual reveal of his mysterious past, like that his mom was a hooker who died during childbirth, and that he was raised by people who hated him, oh and also that he's not really Don Draper.

Betty Draper - Don's doting wife, who, like all attractive women, is completely crazy. Last season she flirted with a little kid, shot at a neighbor's pet birds and had sex with a washing machine. This season she'll probably shave her head and make sculptures out of poop.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Monday, Jul 28 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 10 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

An Extenze Infomercial Goes Awry

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

He's holding her up with a two-foot erection.

Host: Hi, welcome to "Sex Talk," where on tonight's episode... Wait, we're shooting more than one episode of this?

Director: CUT! Rick, what the hell. I've explained this to you like six times. It's a pretend TV show. This is the only episode. Just read the cue cards, OK? Action.

Rick: Hi, welcome to our pretend TV show "Sex Talk," where tonight--

Director: CUT!! Rick, you can't tell them it's fake. We're trying to fool people here. Why do you think we shelled out like eighty three bucks on this set?

Rick: Looks great, by the way.

Director: God damn right it does. But it's gotta sound as convincing as it looks, OK? So try it again from the top. Action!

Rick: Hi, welcome to "Sex Talk," where tonight we're discussing Extenze, the amazing male enhancement pill that's sold a gajillion bazillion units and counting!

Fading porn star Kelly Vagina: That's right, Rick! Extenze is an all-natural supplement that increases the size of that certain part of the male anatomy...

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Thursday, Jul 10 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 48 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Gotham City Deja Vu

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

You probably can't tell from the silhouette, but these two are really enjoying themselves.

Officer Pat O'Hara, back with the GCPD after a 10-year absence, stares out the window of his cruiser as it makes its way downtown.

Officer O'Hara: Hey Michaels, what's the deal here?

Officer Michaels: Not sure what you mean.

O'Hara: You ever notice there's a lot less neon in Gotham than there used to be?

Michaels: Neon?

O'Hara: Yeah, remember that?

Michaels: Neon... neon... nope sure don't.

O'Hara: Oh come on. There used to be pink and purple lighting EVERYWHERE in this city. Floodlights, spotlights... and all those big freakin' statues of naked guys standin' between the buildings? They're gone too.

Michaels: Naked statues... nah, not ringin' any bells, pal.

O'Hara: You kiddin' me, Michaels? Seems like almost nightly we were down here, roundin' up gangs covered in day-glo face paint. Now look at the place. It's like someone swooped in and made it a lot less, I dunno... stupid. Look, there's no blacklights hanging over the alleys anymore.

Michaels: You feelin' OK, O'Hara? You're not making any sense. Talking crazy tonight, heh.

O'Hara: I'm fine, Michaels. You're the one not making any sense. This was right after the city's little "gothic" phase, remember? Back when everything was kinda dark and twisted... Mayor looked like a penguin? Stole a bunch of kids? One of them was your daughter?

Michaels: Hmm, someone needs to lay off the sauce, I think. Seriously, O'Hara, just drop it, OK?

Radio: *Ksssh* All units: Robbery underway at Gotham National Bank, Second Avenue and 36th. Suspect is described as a white male in his late twenties with a disfigured mouth and stringy, shoulder-length hair. Calls himself 'The Joker.' *Ksssh*

O'Hara: Um, I don't know who she's describing, but it's NOT the Joker. (Picks up the handset.) Shelley? You sure you don't mean a paunchy, middle-aged fella' with a weird voice and impossibly diagonal eyebrows? Listenin' to a buncha' Prince songs on a boom box, maybe?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Jul 1 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 135 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A Super Excuse

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Young reporter and recent college grad Sam Sturdivant arrives to work late for the fifth day in a row. Stumbling ever so slightly, he passes the doorway of his boss' office.

Boss: Not so fast, Sturdivant. Can you come in here a minute?

Sam Sturdivant: (Walks in, winded. Sits.) ...What.

Boss: Sturdivant, why did I just watch you stroll into work an hour and a half late?

SS: ...

Boss: Sturdivant?

SS: ...hmmwha?

Boss: Wow. You just fell asleep. Unbelievable.

SS: I absolutely did not.

Boss: You're drooling.

SS: That's just, um... water. Stretchy water. Something's wrong with the fountain out there I think.

Boss: Sturdivant, my patience for your endless list of excuses is rapidly wearing thin. This is the fifth straight time you've been tardy.

SS: I mean, yeah?

Boss: It's also your fifth day working here.

SS: Oh, weird. Same number. That's spooky.

Boss: Kid, give me one reason why I shouldn't shit-can your ass right this second.

SS: ...

Boss: WELL??

SS: ...hmmwha? Oh. I, uh... I would, sir, but I'm not at liberty to talk about it.

Boss: Son, if you at all value this job, I recommend you spill, and quick.

SS: ...Well, can I trust you?

Boss: Fine. Whatever. Out with it.

SS: Sir, I... I'm a superhero.

Boss: A... superhero.

SS: A costumed crime-fighter? You know, like Batman? Iron Man? Except for reals.

Boss: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard... but goddamnit you have an honest face. Go on.

SS: It's 100 percent true, sir. My, uh, my alter ego is... (looks around office) ...Stapler...Boy.

Boss: Stapler Boy.

SS: Yes sir, because, see, as a teenager, I accidently got my hand stapled by this... radioactive Swingline.

Boss: This is incredibly implausible. I'm listening...

SS: Also my parents were murdered right before my eyes by a series of horrific, um, paper cuts... so I walk the streets at night, shooting staples at things, to avenge them.

Boss: But how did paper-

SS: Sir! Please. I don't like to talk about it.

Boss: Of course. I'm... so sorry for your loss. But, with all due respect, what does any of this have to do with your excessive absence?

SS: Well, like this morning, for instance, I was busy saving orphans from a flash flood... in Venezuela. I can fly at the speed of staples, did I mention that part?

Boss: No. (Tosses a staple.) Hmm... that doesn't seem very fast... what about the day before? You reeked of alcohol...

SS: Oh! I spent the previous night doing battle with my archnemesis. Comrade Vodkaface. He's Russian.

Boss: ...and the other stench? That urine smell?

SS: Hmm. That was because of his sidekick... Petey Piss Puddle.

Boss: You also had a... phallus... drawn on your forehead...

SS: The Magic Marker. That bastard.

Boss: ...and this weird stain on your pants.

SS: Courtesy of that dastardly Nocturnal Emission, no doubt! Anyway I'm sure you heard about that epic four-way brawl. It was in all the papers.

Boss: Sturdivant.

SS: What?

Boss: This is a newspaper.

SS: Right. Well, maybe if you would stop hassling me every goddamn day and focus on your own job, you guys wouldn't miss important stories like that.

Boss: Hmm. I apologize, Sturdivant. I shouldn't have doubted you.

Intern: (rushing in) Sir! There's a four-alarm fire in the building across the street!

Boss: My God! Sturdivant! What the hell are you waiting for!?

SS: You mean, you want me to go write about it? I was about to take my lunch break...

Boss: No! Sturdivant, you have to save those people!

SS: Oh, uh, but I mean... my costume looks ridiculous, heh...

Boss opens window.

SS: But we're like 25 stories up.

Boss: I know, it's the perfect height! I can see the smoke from here... Fly like staples, Stapler Boy!

SS: But-

Boss: GO! (Shoves Sturdivant out window.)

Intern: Um, sir? What the hell.

Boss: Hang on a sec. (Looks down.) Wait for it... wait for it... oooo, little rough on the landing. God I hate slackers. Hey kid, can you go repost that job listing on Career Builder?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, May 27 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 27 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Not So) Famous Last Words

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Special thanks to Happy Happy Happy Man for working his skinny little Asian fingers to the bone on these illustrations.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, May 27 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 36 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Kids From 'Jurassic Park' Aren't Doing So Well In Their College Paleontology Class

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 15:00:00 EST

Look at him. He has no idea how many different ways he's about to almost die.

Professor: K guys, can anyone in here tell me how Tyrannosaurus Rex found its food?

Student: Most of today's scientists agree that T-Rex was a scavenger. Kind of like a prehistoric vulture or someth--

Tim Murphy: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Professor: *Sigh* Something to say, Tim?

Tim: Just that I beg to f**king differ, is all.

Professor: Of course you do. What is it this time?

Tim: You couldn't BE more wrong. Those things are vicious, man. They'll stop at nothing to get to their prey, even if they have to, like, tear apart an entire SUV and toss it into a ravine and make me throw up all over myself.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Thursday, May 22 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 316 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

How I Got Banned From Contributing to CollegeHumor

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, May 21 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 100 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Indiana Jones and the Prolonged Leave of Absence

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, May 13 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 41 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

No Worries

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Artwork by Happy Happy Happy Man, who I'd totes go gay for.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Saturday, May 3 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 22 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

One Fine Day in the Park

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

GF: Baby look there's a caricature artist! Do you wanna get one done?

BF: Oh, I don't know sweetie...

GF: Please?? It'll be so much fun, I promise. I'll watch from the other side, mkay?

BF: ...You don't wanna be in it too?

GF: Oh, no. I'm much too sensitive about my looks.

BF: OK...

Artist: Are you ready, sir? I need you to stay kind of still...

FIVE MINUTES LATER

GF: Ohmygod, haaahahaha!!

BF: What is it?

Artist: Sir? Hold still please?

GF: Nothing baby, it's just... he nailed your forehead. I mean NAILED it. Hahaha wait -- is that a drive-in movie being projected onto it? Oh that's classic.

Artist: (Smiling) Yeah, ya like that?

GF: Nice touch. Baby this is hilarious.

BF: Heh. Yeah, the forehead. I get it from my mother's side, I guess. Hey, baby?

Artist: Sir. Please.

BF: Of course. Sorry.

FIVE MINUTES LATER

GF: AAAAAHAHAHA! OMG, ELL. OH. ELL. He is absolutely killing me over here! Dude, you are seriously, like, an ar-teest. This practically doesn't even qualify as a caricature, it's so realistic. Look at that chin! It's almost phallic!

BF: (Squirming) Really? I don't even think I have a big chin though--

Artist: SIR! STILLNESS! NOW!!

BF: (Eyes well up.)

FIVE MINUTES LATER

GF: HAHAHA oh that's perfect. Now... I dunno. Is there some way you could draw, like, a really small penis on him? We're talking, like, microscopic.

BF: Baby please no.

Artist: God DAMN IT MAN so help me I will leap over this easel and rip your f**king THROAT OUT if you DON'T. STOP. MOVING!

GF: (Doubled over) BAAAAAHAHAHAHA, this is too funny. Baby, you're holding, like, a big-ass magnifying glass over your junk, and it's STILL TINY! Holy crap, this is going on my wall TODAY. It could hang in a museum, even. Hah, maybe I'll call one, you know? Baby?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Friday, May 2 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 19 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A Concert Review From the Snooty Critic Who Lives Inside Your 'Guitar Hero'

Fri, 02 May 2008 15:00:00 EST

Special thanks to Katie Marino, Happy Happy Happy Man, Jake Klocksien and several other pairs of Hilarious Shoes...

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Tuesday, Apr 29 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 54 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

My Boob Journal

Fri, 02 May 2008 16:30:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Found this in the basement a few days ago. I don't remember being such a dork.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Thursday, Apr 24 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 210 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Moments Before...

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> It had been three miserable days and four lonely nights since Jennifer gave Randy the news that not only was she abandoning her Abstinence Promise - which they'd made together sophomore year of high school, right before he slipped her that sweet pre-pre-pre engagement ring ring - she was also leaving him for some F*CKING SUPERHOT ATHEIST GUY ("Whoops, sorry God," Randy thought) from her Intro to Philosophy class.

Randy's roommates, who'd always been dicks to him before tonight, suddenly, mysteriously changed, coercing him into joining them for a night on the town. Having never before imbibed alcohol, Randy insisted on wine. ("What Would Jesus Drink?" he thought, before logically grabbing some Melon Ball-flavored Boone's Farm.)

That was half-an-hour ago. Now he stood in front of the two cheapest tattoo parlors in town, trying really hard to focus. Wait, nvm, it's just one tattoo parlor.

"She's probably making mouth love to him astride some demonic motorcycle, surrounded by flames," Randy thought. He tried to pray for her, but instead a single tear crept down his left cheek. He pondered a moment.

"SHE WANTS A BAD BOY?" he wailed at the sky. "A BAD BOY WHO PROBABLY HAS EARRINGS AND AN EIGHT-PACK AND THE THIGHS OF A CLYDESDALE?? - oops, sorry again, God - Well, I'll show her a MOTHER-EFFING BAD BOY."

Randy stormed inside, his new buddies in tow, giggling to each other about something. ("Probably giggles of admiration," Randy thought.) Soon enough, he was next in line. But as he sat down in the chair, Randy's eyelids became heavy - the Boone's Farm up to its awful, sinful tricks.

The tattoo artist shouted: "What do you wanna have done, kid?"

"Um, something... something God...*hic*...would be OK with," he slurred. "Jesus, maybe? Yeah, Jesus and... um...*hic*...ugh, Jesus Christ." Randy nodded off.

The artist became agitated. "OK, you're gonna have to be a little more specific than that," he said, rousing Randy from his stupor.

Randy mustered every last ounce of energy he had, yelling: "Jesus-f*cking-Christ, man! SURPRISE ME, OK??"

The artist nodded in agreement, and silently went to work.

http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1811979

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Wednesday, Apr 23 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 26 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />

My Remake of 'Road Trip'

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Confession time: The only reason I've been contributing to CollegeHumor is to launch my career as a Hollywood screenwriter. One project I've been working on is a remake of the 2000 comedy classic "Road Trip." I've always loved the original, but feel it hasn't particularly aged well due to its inclusion of things like VHS tapes, standard mail and Tom Green. So without further ado, here's my first stab at the script. Let me know what you guys think!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33"><img src=""></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written Friday, Apr 18 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:328495/ts:33">Chase Mitchell</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:7/ts:33"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 53 likes</p> .</td> </tr> </table> <hr />