"Pete, you have about as much chance of me ever liking you as you do of taking my breath away with a spectacular dance routine. Why are you smiling?"

I wasn't going to do these again, because, frankly, you guys are a little too clingy, and I'm just not in the point of my life right now where I'm looking for that kind of commitment. But last night's Mad Men deserves a recap, so it's getting a recap.

First of all, hasn't this season kicked ass so far? Like, curvaceous, Joan-sized, I'd-hit-it-but-I'm-also-kind-of-curious-how-it-fits-through-standard-doorframes kind of ass? As much as I worship this show, Matt Weiner usually moves it along at a more deliberate, glacial pace, but Season 3 is pushing forward at a much faster clip, and I love it.

We begin in the Sterling Cooper offices, where creative is auditioning actresses to advertise Pepsi's new diet drink, which is called "Patio."

"Is she seriously just NOT going to make a pun?" Gov. Schwarzenegger asked his TV in disbelief.

The episode opens in Agent Danko's bathroom (sexy!), where he's in the middle of a shaving montage that's been filmed like an action scene for some reason. I guess it makes sense though - for anyone as frail as Capt. Corpse, every little mundane activity must seem fraught with mortal peril. One slip of the razor and his jugular might wheeze a few drops of his "blood" onto the tile.

Little does he know, a serial killer lurks in his apartment. But I guess since murdering Danko would at best grant Sylar the ability to Have Sunken-In Eyes, he just leaves a present instead: Doyle, literally wrapped in a bow.

Fatt Porkman got pignapped and wrapped in dynamite, then shoved out of a van and into the middle of Washington D.C. by Agent Danko, who wants the world think that superheroes are terrorists.

So, like, the opposite of this.

Less Previously on Heroes...
Since the demise of Pushing Daisies, which I assume is a show about physically assaulting various girls named Daisy, celebrated Season 1 Heroes scribe Bryan Fuller is back in the writers' room. Bodes well, but we'll see...

The episode begins with the Puppetmaster eating Claire's popcorn, which is not, to the relief of everyone, a sexual euphemism. He says Rebel told him she'd help him, but she says no way. He says he's changed, and that he's not going to force her to save him.

"Only to blow me."

At Superhero Hunting Headquaters, Corpse and Nathan are trading variations on "I don't trust you" when suddenly Nathan gets a call informing him that Parkman is about to spray the Capitol building with half digested Croissant Pockets. He flies out there and offers to help Matt disarm the bomb, but Matt doesn't trust him, and can't read his mind because he's been drugged with Plotcontrivacil.

Back at HQ, Corpse spies Nathan arriving on the scene and, sensing an opportunity to kill two birds with one very explodey stone, orders the device to be triggered immediately. But wait! With the drugs wearing off, Matt starts reading the minds of bomb squad members until he finds one who is thinking about how to disarm it.

Not to be racist, but this one was thinking about chicken.

He eventually does, and for saving both their lives, Nathan gives him a celebratory punch in the face.

Having finally (finally!) ditched Mr. Coffee, Sylar has finally arrived at the home of Sylar Sr., whom we discovered last week shares his son's hatred of intact human heads. Sylar is there to kill him, but unfortunately cancer is already doing the job. The actor playing him, by the way, is Lionel Luthor from Smallville, who seems to be typecasting himself in an extremely specific way.

"You want me to play the sinister father of the primary antagonist on a TV show about superheroes? Does it suck?? I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES."

Back at HQ, I think Nathan is politely requesting that Capt. Corpse relinquish his command, but it's hard to hear him from inside that locker. Meanwhile, in her cell, Tracy starts yelling that Nathan has powers, and it only took her like three goddamn months to give that strategy a try. Also she sees a message from REBEL telling her to keep the faith - hope is coming.

Corpse walks in and demands to know if Nathan has an ability. Changing her mind about exposing him, Tracy's like "He has the ability to not make me orgasm, if that counts."

Claire's feeling all guilty about not helping the Puppetmaster, "because on the one hand he's a psychotic murdering rapist, but on the other hand, he, like, cried a little?" Also she goes to get Alex's old job at the comic book shop, and the owner is all "Which superpower would you rather have, invisibility or flight?" and she's like "Whichever one gets to use a taser." And the guy is like "it's OK, they're only comic books" and I guess this is all supposed to be hilarious because SHE'S A SUPERHERO FOR REALS, YOU KNOW?

Sylar still plans to kill his dad I guess but for now he's just hanging out with him, so it's sort of like the end of Kill Bill Vol. 2 except nobody is making retarded speeches about Superman, which is sort of ironic, actually. Sylar learns that his pops has lots of powers of his own, such as Making a Bunny Stand Still, which he performs spectacularly. Then he tells Sylar that it's in his nature to kill, and then offers to tell him more if he kills the bunny.

Noah tells Capt. Corpse he can find out more about Nathan if he talks to Angela Petrelli, then immediately calls Angela to warn her. Claire phones him soon after, asking how he managed to live a double life for so long. She's all "Which path do I take?" and he's like "ugh, I dunno, ask Robert Frost or some shit."

Claire gets a text from REBEL alerting her that the Pupptemaster is being apprehended, only when it cuts to him he seems to have the upper hand on the agents who tracked him down. As Claire looks on, he dispatches both of them without resorting to murder. Naturally assuming this means he is no longer a bad guy, she's decides to help him after all. Meanwhile the Puppetmaster is thinking "Good thing she showed up before I made them start raping each other with their gun barrels."

Angela meets with Capt. Corpse in a restaurant and, between feverishly gulping down food and wine like some concubine of Caligula, she tries her best to convince him that Nathan never had any powers. When Darko says he doesn't believe her, she starts divulging dirt she's found on him.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the little girls' vomitorium."

Sylar and his pops are doing a little father-son taxidermy when Sylar accidentally slices his hand open. His dad sees the wound heal, and decides to play a little game of William Tell-me-how-the-fuck-you-just-did-that by firing arrows at Sylar, pinning him to the wall. But before he can open his son's skull to find the Secret to Eternal Life (It's somewhere the grail-shaped part of the brain), Sylar wakes up, subdues him, and leaves him to die of cancer/obviously reappear in a future episode.

Nathan fires Danko with about as much confidence and authority as Michael Scott showed that time he tried to lay off Creed. Danko responds by immediately shoving Nathan out a window. Forced to manifest his ability to avoid falling to his like eighteenth fucking death, Nathan is finally exposed as a superperson. He's like "How did you know I could fly" and Danko peers over the ledge like "YOU CAN FUCKING FLY??"

That's What She Said:
-"Don't you come any closer to me."
-"Matt, I'm gonna pull it."
-"I want to know how the hell he's getting inside, and I want a name."

"You look beautiful when you're drowning."

(Very) Previously on Heroes...

Claire is feeding her closet sandwiches because there's a guy in there named Alex who she's hiding from the government because he has a superpower. His uncanny resemblance to a young Jeff Goldblum had me expecting him to stammer something eccentric and turn into an insect, but Mohinder already did that this season so instead Alex was given the ability to complain a lot and eat sandwiches. Plus he breathes underwater, I guess.

"So?"

Claire tells him that pretty soon he won't have to sleep on a pile of half-burnt cheerleading uniforms anymore because she plans to smuggle him out of town, and he's all "Who are you? Harriet Tubman?"

I'm not saying she is, but... have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time? Think about it.

Suddenly Claire's mom comes home and demands to know what happened to the $300 that she hid inside her dog's shoes because her dog has shoes because she's insane. Claire's like "Maybe that guy who occasionally plays my brother took it" but her mom is like "I already grilled him," and somewhere off-camera Matt Parkman ties a bib around his neck because he doesn't understand expressions.

Eventually Claire admits to taking the money, and her mom is like "What for?" and I'm like "Please say a beginner's course at the Actors Studio," but she doesn't, and then Mr. Muggles steals Alex's sandwich from under the bed but it didn't look very good anyway so I guess that's OK, Mr. Muggles.

Aw. He thinks he's heroes.

Capt. Corpse is still pissed about Peter pulling a gun on him the week before, because I guess he'd rather die from Cancer of the Everything, so he puts Peter at the tippy top of the Most Wanted list and tells Adam Walsh to sit down and STFU. He's like "I do what I need to do," and Nathan's like "I swear, if you try and kill my brother like eight or nine more times..." Then he quietly hands Capt. Corpse the cup of coffee he asked for and walks away.

Peter, meanwhile, is in Isaac's old apartment watching Fatson Pollack sling paint all over the floor of Isaac's loft as he continues to futuredoodle That Painting That Will Not Be Mentioned.

Over on the computer REBEL sends them an instant message, except it's that fake-ass kind you only see on TV where it's gradually typed across the screen as though it's being written by a ghost.

REBEL says he knows where Daphne is, because she's alive by the way, so Matt and Peter plan to go meet her. Then REBEL is like 'FOLLOW THE WHITE RABBIT' or whatever, so the two of them book it just in time for the Fuzz to arrive. One of them tastes the paint to see if it's still warm or whatever cops do, then he spots The Painting That Will Not Be Mentioned and is like "I think I know where they're headed..."

"Toronto."

Claire's mom discovers Alex and is all "What's going on here?" and Claire's like "Lots of banging, I promise," but Alex is like "Wa-hait-a-min-ute, I've seen your alien torso and expansive forehead and would prefer we go with an explanation that isn't quite so humiliating for me." So instead he confesses that he has the same superpower as Aquaman.

Sylar is still on his road trip of self discovery and if he's mainly keeping that kid around so he can periodically shove his face against the glass, it all makes sense now, because that would never get old. Anyway they stop at an abandoned diner because Sylar thinks it feels familiar.

Claire's mom insists that Claire not lie to her anymore, because she's strong, and can handle the truth. And apparently so, because she's the only one who's noticed the sketchy van outside that's been monitoring them.

Claire's mom is like "Are you gonna keep that kid trapped in the closet? There aren't nearly enough black people on this show for a story like that," and Claire's like "I have a plan - I just haven't thought of it yet," and her mom is like "A lot of times you don't seem to know what words mean."

Peter and Parkman are about to storm the building, but not before Peter borrows Parkman's power so that can form a two-man brain raping tag team, and to anyone who doesn't regularly watch the show, what follows would appear to be two men infiltrating a government building through a series of dramatic stare-downs. They find a computer guy and Peter's like "You want to leave this room and let me use your computer," and he's like "These aren't the droids we're looking for" and Peter's like "OK close enough." So Peter starts hacking the computer like it holds the key to unparalyzing the other half of his lower lip.

Claire's mom makes a fake ID for Alex, and tells Claire she and Noah might get a divorce but that it's not her fault, and Claire's like "So it's NOT because I told you to divorce him all those times?" Afterwards she walks in on Alex and sees his 824 pack abs, and she's like "You're the most rippedest person to ever open a comic book" and I'm like "Almost." Then they kiss and I'm like "Fine, I wasn't even into her anyway."

Those new characters from the van decide to do something, namely barging into the Bennetts' home to find Alex, and Claire's mom stands up to them, because this episode is all about her Empowerment.

Peter and Parkman discover that Daphne's been transferred, but their efforts aren't entirely fruitless. Instead REBEL sends them footage of the Heroes' capture (REBEL is one of the show's cameramen, I guess), which they can in turn use to blackmail Nathan and Capt. Corpse. They try to escape, which you would think they'd be getting good at by now, considering it's pretty much all they do, but instead Parkman gets nabbed.

Sylar has been walking around the diner remembering his past, like ya do, and the past it's always black and white and has an awesome soundtrack. Turns out his dad traded him for a tuna melt or something, then went out into the parking lot and fingercapitated his wife. Processing this revelation, Sylar decides he still wants to find his dad, but now wants to smother him with a pillow instead of butterfly kisses.

Angela meets with Nathan in a car and Nathan immediately accuses her of being REBEL, and she's like "Possibly - the writers haven't even finshed the script for this episode yet, much less the next one." Suddenly Nathan's phone rings and it's Peter, offering to trade the stolen footage for Parkman and Daphne. And even though Nathan ends up saving Peter from dying, again, Peter eventually turns the footage over to the media.

"THIS JUST IN: You changed the channel."

Capt. Corpse straps Parkman down with dynamite and shoves him out of a van right in front of the Capitol Building, framing him for a terrorist act. They haven't yet explained Corpse's deep loathing for Heroes, but I'm guessing one of them stole all of his food, beverages, vitamins and medication.

Claire realizes her mom is super cool so they decide to have a movie night, but when Claire goes downstairs to get the popcorn, it's gone. When she closes the microwave door, she's shocked to find that the Puppetmaster has snuck into their house. Only instead of forcing her to feed him grapes while performing a a tumble routine to "Single Ladies," he asks for her help.

That's What She Said:
- "Perhaps there's a better way of doing this."
- "Come with me, OK?"
- "Why are you doing this to me?" (Bonus TWHS Response: "Because you're here and I need to express my feelings.")
- "My father did something to me. Something I forgot."

Next: Mattsplosion!

"I've been waiting to use these cereal bowls since 2006."

Last Week on Heroes: "My girlfriend Daphne is faster than a speeding OH MY GOD SHE'S DEAD"

This Week: The Bennetts sit down to breakfast. Finally finding her niche as an actress, Hayden Panettiere successfully spoons cereal into her mouth in a convincing manner. Then she gets a secret text message from REBEL that says "MUST WARN TARGET," missing the part at the end that says "ABOUT THE LOW LOW PRICES AT WAL-MART." Her mom interrupts her lust for adventure with questions about her Ivy League aspirations. Noah asserts that he'd rather she enroll at a two-year technical school, because seriously it's Claire. But before she can even ask about the Costa Verde Community College cheerleading squad, she gets another text tells her that the TARGET is ALEX, and she can find him in a COMIC SHOP, and to STAY TUNED FOR A HOT NEW OPPORTUNITY FROM VERIZON WIRELESS.