CollegeHumor: User 335076's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793804 A Day In The Life of a Sports Statistician Sun, 01 Nov 2009 14:13:58 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793804 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
How wearing a lucky jock strap affects Team Performance
ESPN Offices Conference Room - Thursday 9:00am

Boss:  We have a big weekend ahead of us people.  Between college, NFL, and the World Series, we have a lot of work to do here in the Statistics Department.

Johnson:  We can handle it, sir!

Boss:  Shut up Johnson, no one likes an ass kisser.  Anyway, I'll assign you all different statistics I want figured up for the commentators to use during the broadcasts.  Smith, I want you to make sure the ERA stats are up to date for all the pitchers from Philly and New York.

Smith:  No problem.

Boss:  Williams I want you to figure up the win streaks for all the college teams as well as find out what Internet links for Erin Andrew's nude video still work. 

Williams:  With pleasure.

Davis:  What do you want me to do boss? 

Boss:  Well Davis I was thinking since we have all these powerful computers that you could go through the data and find some interesting statistics for this weekend.

Davis:  Like what?

Boss: Find out how many pitchers have hit home runs in the World Series, and out of those, how many of them had mustaches.

Davis:  Why would people want to know that?

Boss:  Why wouldn't people want to know that? 

Davis:  Okay...

Boss:  Also, see if there is a correlation between coaches that hit their wives and their winning percentages.  I have a feeling that they might be connected. 

Davis:  Anything else?

Boss:  Find the average hang time of every team's 3rd string punter, each team's rushing yards as a function of what concession stand food sold the best that day, and how often the Yankees bunt on third down.

Davis:  ...that last one doesn't make sense.

Boss:  Alright people, good meeting, now let's get to work.



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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792489 Give A Little Bit Mon, 05 Oct 2009 11:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792489 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Matt Damon
Happy Season Finale Everyone!  I would call it a 3/4 Happy Ending, happy enough to give us all a warm fuzzy feeling, but not happy enough to be included in any children's book.  We did get something that my ex-girlfriend never gave me the benefit of, closure.  Isn't that right Francine?  Anyway all our story lines from our characters had clean little endings so we can start fresh for next season. 

A season finale wouldn't be a finale if it wasn't full of celebrity cameos, right?  Matt Damon, of Team America: World Police fame, is working for a children's foundation to help the hungry.  He doesn't even ask Vince to help as much as he tells him to.  He demands both Vince's time and money, approximately $150K to be exact, and hunts him down like my creditors when he doesn't send the check.  I did like how Damon breaks down when he's leaving Vince messages.  I could also believe that this isn't far from the truth about how philanthropy is actually done in Hollywood, a bunch of ego-tastic celebrities who are used to getting what they want coupled with a sincere desire to look better than everyone else on the planet should make for some interesting conversations and temper tantrums.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-05 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 14 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792108 Scared Straight Mon, 28 Sep 2009 11:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792108 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Can Drama out-act the Man of Steel?
It seemed like a bad day for everyone in the world of Entourage this week.  Except of course Vince, who boned the secretary from Planned Parenthood.  I wonder if she asked him to use protection?

Terrance (Ari's old boss) pays a surprise visit to Ari at his office.  How exactly you sneak up on someone in a building with glass walls I'm not entirely sure, but nonetheless he offers Ari first dibs on buying out his company, meaning that Ari could do whatever he wants to Adam Davies and Lloyd since they'd be working for him.  Ari uncovers that the reason Terrance wants to sell is because he is about to divorce his smoking hot wife, all because he boned a probably equally smoking hot mistress.  Normally I fully endorse banging hot women, but for half of what Terrance is worth?  I'm thinking that it was probably not worth it.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-09-28 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791738 Berried Alive Mon, 21 Sep 2009 11:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791738 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
LLOYD!!
With only three episodes left in the season, Entourage begins to pick up some real speed (finally)!  Alot of big events happened to all our guys (except Vince) and it looks like the writers are building up to something that nobody can really be sure of.

First of all, I'd like to say, it's about freakin' time that E got rid of the craziest of the crazies, Ashley.  You can only push a guy so far before you start asking for stool samples.  This has proven something that all the viewers have definitely known since we first met her and that awkward gaze into E's eyes that made us all feel extremely uncomfortable.  Now E may have a new love interest, his assistant Brittany, who is extremely hot, and makes me think I should have gone into a career in casting actresses, but too late for broken dreams now.

The biggest story line, I think, has to do with the newly fallen angel Lloyd who has betrayed his former god, Ari.  Lloyd has either paid very close attention to Ari on how to get business done, or Lloyd is just "paying it forward" to the people under him, much like my old fraternity did to its pledges.  I just hope there are less elephant walks. 

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-09-21 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791632 Douchebag Night Class Tue, 22 Sep 2009 14:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791632 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Welcome to class, bitches. I'm your teacher, Zak.  That's Zak with a 'K', not a 'C'. If I even hear you say it the wrong way then I'll break your freakin' arm, got it?

Now, you all know why you're here.  You wanna learn how to become douchebags.  Why?  Because you go out to the clubs, or you go to the gym, and you see all the hot ass chicks flocking to the douchebags, right?

You know why?  Because hot chicks love douche bags, stupid. Look at me, I'm the ultimate douchebag, and you know how many babes I've had?  More than me or my lifting partner Zac with a 'C' can count.  See these hands?  I've grabbed enough fake boobs with these hands to fill my '81 Mustang. I sleep with so many models that I need a shovel to scoop their crusty old make-up out of the sheets.  I find so many hair extensions left in my apartment that I donate them to Locks of Love. 

Since now you know how big of a douche bag I am, I'm going to take a look at all you losers and see how we can turn you into douchebags.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-09-22 14:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 51 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791444 Security Briefs Mon, 14 Sep 2009 10:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791444 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
I've heard rumors that girls read this site too, so this pic is for them, sorry bros.
It's been a whole two weeks since the last episode of Entourage, but this episode was worth the wait in my opinion. 

The Israeli Task Force is running security for the guys, waking them up at 7am laughing about a Palestinian with a bomb up her ass (I know, I laughed my ass off too).  To add to that, they don't flush the toilets when they use them and they stole Turtle's cereal.  I bet Turtle's not so much pissed about the cereal as he is about the glow in the dark race car inside.  This type of behavior only confirms what I've believed for years: never let a foreigner in your house.

Things were looking good for Ari at the office, at least for the first part of the episode.  He signed Zac Efron and made Adam Davies cry.  I did like how that hot mom kept coming up to Zac at the store; sure lady, just find someplace to dump the kid and we'll bone. 

As retaliation for Ari's stunt, Adam Davies offers Lloyd a job as an agent.  At first Lloyd denied out of total loyalty for Ari, but as the old proverb goes, "you can only push a queer so far".  Ari more than doubles the time left in Lloyd's pledgeship and sends him to do a bunch of bullsh*t jobs.  The scene ends with Lloyd getting rear-ended (not the good kind) in Ari's car, and he decides now would be a good time to quit and leave Ari's busted car in the middle of gridlock traffic.  Look at it this way, at least we got a really good "LLOYD!" out of Ari.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-09-14 10:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1790831 Freshman Meal Plan Wed, 02 Sep 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1790831 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-09-02 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 30 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1790764 The Sorkin Notes Mon, 31 Aug 2009 14:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1790764 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
I'm baaaaack! :)
No matter how bad Andrew Kline f*cks up, he seems to always come out on top for Ari.  If he can sign a client from jail crying like a baby, I'm pretty sure he could sell Anne Frank a pork sandwich while dressed like Hitler.

Ari suffers yet another Kline meltdown by finding him asleep in his office (instead of his own for some reason) and surrounded by coworkers.  If it were me, I don't think I would try to sleep in an office with all glass walls and expect any privacy.  Anyway, that b*tch Babs finds out and says if Kline doesn't sign Aaron Sorkin (West Wing) by the end of the day, he's canned.  Ari conveys this to Andrew, who ends up not showing up to the meeting because he's trying to get his notes from his house, but Marlo won't let him in, so what is the most reasonable way to settle this?  Drive your Cadillac into your living room, duh. 

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-31 14:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1790354 No More Drama Mon, 24 Aug 2009 11:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1790354 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
We've got 12 weeks to kill until Vince's next movie starts shooting, yet this week's episode kills only 6 hours.  Vince's house gets broken into, Drama has career troubles, and E scores big his first day and makes a mortal enemy at Murray Berensen.  As slow as this episode crawled, it did lay the ground work for some action down the road.

I will say I was excited to see the N for Nudity rating before the episode, but I was definitely disappointed to find out that is was referring to a slip nip shot of a girl sleeping.  Vince took care of the intruder in true actor fashion, however, by hiding in his bedroom.  I'm sure De Niro in the old days would have strangled the guy with his own underwear that was being stolen.  I liked how at first Vince played it cool, "We have an alarm, I'll just learn to turn it on."  I hope he learns how to turn it on better than he learned to drive.

The guys showed off their Queens Boulevard roots by choosing to amass enough firepower to take over France.  I'm pretty sure that hand cannon Vince was holding would rip his arm off if he tried to shoot it, but it was funny nonetheless.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-24 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789963 Murphy's Lie Mon, 17 Aug 2009 11:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789963 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
How could you lie to that face, E?
Everyone decided to change places in this week's episode of Entourage.  Drama experiences both a high and a low in his career in one day when he starts by acting with a good actress for once, and ends it by choke slamming his boss and faces unemployment.  Turtle goes from being everyone's "bitch" to taking core English and Math courses.  E goes from being unemployed to taking a manager position at Murray Berenson.  And it looks like we'll have to suffer through a little more of Andrew Kline.  Sweet, I hope he has more breakdowns, those are my favorite parts....

We have potential for some sub-plots being formed for our favorite crew, so let's check out what each one got into this week.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-17 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789738 An Atheist Meets His Maker Thu, 20 Aug 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789738 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Tim:  Where am I?  I thought I was about to die, shouldn't I just be dead and not be seeing anything now?  I mean there's no way I'm in heaven or hell, that's just stupid.

Voice:  Hello, Tim, and welcome.

Tim:  Who is that?  Where am I?

Voice:  Because you were a faithful follower of mine since you took that philosophy class your freshman year of college, you may enter Heaven.

Tim:  I don't understand.

Voice:  Aren't you an Atheist?

Tim:  Yeah, so why am I here in heaven?

Voice:  Because I am Ath, the one true god.  I have taken all my followers, the Atheists, from Earth and granted them access to my Kingdom.  The Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and Hindus, screw those guys; I sent them straight to Hell.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-20 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 80 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789551 Fore! Mon, 10 Aug 2009 11:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789551 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Drama's Tribute to Payne Stewart
Even though this episode of Entourage had some laughs, I don't think any other series has crawled at a slower pace than this season. 

The guys go on a celebrity golf tournament (we don't know what for, possibly to benefit women victims of Johnny Drama) in order to distract the viewers from realizing that nothing is actually happening.  OK, scratch that, one thing is happening, E is offered a job at a big agency.  Other than that, not a lot happened, but let's hit the run-down of what our guys have been up to this week.

Ari had a bad day to say the least.  He wakes up on a couch instead of a bed with a smoking hot wife.  Is it just me or do you think that Ari's mansion should probably have at least 7 guest bedrooms which would mean he wouldn't have to sleep on the couch?  But he buys the Mrs. a Maserati to schmooz things over just because he's Ari.  Anyway, he shows up looking like sh*t and has to play with one of his clients and his two a-hole kids. 

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-10 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789244 10 Books That Are Harder To Read Than 'Twilight' Tue, 18 Aug 2009 13:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789244 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
The Twilight books have turned a generation of adult women away from People magazine and on to books, word books!  The only problem is, this phenomenon comes with a sense of smugness among readers who consider themselves intellectuals because they often finish a book within a weekend or even a day. 

However, did you know that Twilight has a grade equivalent score of 4.4?  What this means is that the vocabulary and sentence structure of this book are best suited for people who read at a 4th grade level, mainly 4th graders.  I did some research and the following books scored the same rating or higher for grade equivalency and therefore are just as difficult to read and comprehend as Twilight:

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-18 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 59 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789168 Running on E Mon, 03 Aug 2009 11:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789168 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
"No, E, you hang up first"
Vince at home Facebooking?  Ari and E in a bromance?  Turtle a scholar?  There is only one thing that could make this episode crazier: David Schwimmer actually getting work.

An unexpected delay in the shooting of Vince's next movie gives our guys an extra 12 weeks to hang out.  Vince seems pretty bummed about it, which is kinda how I would feel if I was a millionaire famous celebrity living in a mansion in California.  Vince eagerly tries to enroll the gang to hang out and travel with him, but everyone's way too busy, which again would be my reaction to such a predicament.

Turtle goes back-to-school shopping with Jamie-Lynn.  It reminded me of when I went shopping with my mom, but in Turtle's case I would have gotten a lot more boners.  He's getting the kid-with-divorced-parents-treatment having a sugar-daddy and sugar-mommy living in separate houses.  Jamie-Lynn's paying for an all-new wardrobe, but Vince tosses him some walking around money, too.  It kind of inspired me to quit my job and start smoking weed everyday in hopes that a hot Italian mob daughter will wisk me away.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-03 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789164 Obama's Beer Summit: The Hidden Tape Sun, 02 Aug 2009 19:58:56 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789164 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
In response to the tension caused when white police officer James Crowley arrested black Harvard Professor Henry Gates for breaking into his own house, black and white President Barack Obama invited the two men for a few beers on the white house lawn to discuss race and to smooth things over.  The Press was kept at a distance but here is the transcript from a hidden recorder.

Beer 1, 4:30 pm

Obama: Gentlemen I thank you for coming to the White House today to discuss matters and enjoy each other's company, I believe that together the three of us can come to an agree-.

Joe Biden: Hey guys!  What'cha doing, drinking beers?  Aw man, can I join?  If I had known you guys were doing this I would have brought over a sixer or something.

Obama:  Joe this has been on the news every night for a week.  Sure you can join us, I got some Bud Lights in the cooler.  Now I hope we can keep the discussion friendly.

Beer 3, 5:15 pm

Crowley:  Haha, I admit it is a little embarrassing to arrest someone for breaking into their own home, but I was just following protocol.

Gates:  Yeah but I think you could have been a little more understanding and not have given me such a hard time just because I'm of African American descent.

Crowley:  Woah woah now that's not part of --

Obama:  Guys, guys, we're not here to fight. 

(awkward silence)

Biden:  You guys wanna do some shots?

Beer 11, Shot 3, 8:02 pm

Obama:  That's the most hilarious story about a tranny midget I've heard this week!  But seriously, guys, do you like me?

All three:  Of course we like you.

Obama:  It's just that nothing's working like I thought it would and my approval rating's down and everyone is making fun of me. *sniffle* It's just hard sometimes, ya know?

Gates:  It's okay, man, they just don't like you because you're black.

Obama:  But I thought that's why they elected me.

(awkward silence)

Biden:  Does anyone wanna smoke this bowl I packed?

Obama:  *Sniff* Hells yeah, pass it here, I'll spark it.

Beer 23, Shot 8, Bowl 2, 11:23pm

Gates:  You guys are the shit!  Why didn't we think of this sooner?  I am completely over this whole thing.  Now it's just something to laugh about.

Obama:  I shink thit's awshum thit wurr ull gittin' along.  I knew thish was a kick-ass idea.

Biden:  I'm so glad I did this instead of reading that Health Care Reform bill, that shit was BORING!  I can't wait to tell America tomorrow that we finally fixed racism in America.

Crowley:  Yeah I'm happy how things went, and you know what?  You niggers are alright in my book.

Obama and Gates:  What did you say?








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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788813 One Car, Two Car, Red Car, Blue Car Mon, 27 Jul 2009 11:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788813 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Happy Birthday Turtle!  Two brand new cars and a full-ride to college isn't a bad haul.  You can't even do that good going on The Price is Right.

This week we had a lot of changes happening to the entourage. 

E wakes up to the what looks to be a new roommate, Ashley.  She looks a little too comfortable walking around in E's shirt, drinking E's coffee, watching E's TV, and telling E that Lil' Bow Wow can't act.  

E has to go through his first real failure on his own.  The ratings came in from Charlie's test pilot and everyone liked the show, but didn't like Charlie.  Consequently Charlie gets thrown out on his ass even though it's his show.

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-27 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788749 CollegeHumor Movie Review: The Ugly Truth Tue, 28 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788749 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Chick flicks are a time honored tradition in American cinema.  They are easy to write (they all have the same plot formula).  Women flock to go see them as a way to share their pain about the men in their lives.  They also share the pain with the men in their lives by dragging them to these movies, guaranteeing double the revenue because at least half of the people in the theater don't want to be there.

Now I haven't seen many chick flicks in my time.  Mainly because I haven't been on many of those, what do you call them... dates?  However, I was dragged to this one and while the movie posters and trailers guarantee estrogen spilling and that Gerard Butler will be killing zero Persians, I was pleasantly surprised, mainly because of this:
This movie has something for the guys, too (boobies).

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-28 12:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 8 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788647 Wacky Law Penitentiary Thu, 23 Jul 2009 10:56:10 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788647 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Everyone's heard of the wacky state laws that have never been repealed.  People just think that those laws exist but aren't really enforced.  Well they are, and the perpetrators of these crimes all go to one place, Wacky Law Penitentiary.

This is right after a savage beating. It's good that they can still be friends outside of work.
Loud horn, cell gates all open.

Guard:  Wake up you maggots!  Step out of your cell and address the Warden!

Warden:  Good morning, ladies. For many of you this is your first day at Wacky Law Penitentiary, and I just want to make one thing clear:  you all make me sick to my balls.  Your reckless disregard for human decency has landed you here, and I'm going to make sure you pray to Buddha that you die and get reincarnated as a human rectum.  Like you, what are you in here for?

Jerry:  I was carrying a duck on my shoulders during an election day.

Warden: *Spits out coffee*  Have you no respect for the democratic process you piece of sh*t??  I didn't kill all those Koreans so you can spend election day giving ducks piggy back rides instead of voting.  Now you, pretty boy, what's your story?

Melvin:  I had a warrant out for my arrest in Oklahoma for making funny faces at a dog.

Warden:  You sir, are worse than Michael Vick.  I would rather him fornicate my daughter on my dinner table during Thanksgiving than have to put up with you.  I wish that dog would have just ripped your funny face right off.

The Warden spits in Melvin's face, then continues down the line.

Warden:  You, yeah you, the one with all the tattoos that say, Death to the Innocent, how did you end up in my prison?

Roscoe:  What's it to you, pig?

The Warden hits Roscoe in the crotch with his night stick.

Warden:  Excuse me, I didn't catch that.

Roscoe:  Okay, okay, I was swimming in a public pool in Vermont, and I couldn't get the song "Poker Face" out of my head.  While I was underwater I started whistling the tune, which I soon found out is illegal.  When I got back up to the surface I was surrounded by the SWAT Team. 

Warden:  Ah, yes, I remember seeing that on Fox News, I almost puked up my bacon and eggs I was so disgusted.

The Warden kicks Roscoe in the face, Roscoe coughs up some blood.

Know the law or be its bitch.
Warden:  The Mayor is going to be coming in shortly to inspect our operations, so I don't want any slip-ups, understand?

The Mayor enters the cell block.

Warden:  Good morning sir!  How are you today?

Mayor:  Very good, Warden.  Everything seems to be in good working order here.  Wait, wait a minute...

Warden:  Is something wrong, sir?

Mayor:  Are you wearing cowboy boots, son?

Warden:  Why yes I am, sir.

Mayor:  And do you live on a farm?

Warden:  Of course not, sir, you know where I live, you and your wife just came over last weekend for a barbecue.

Mayor:  It is unlawful in this state to wear cowboy boots unless you own at least two cows.

Warden:  No... it can't be.

Mayor:  I'm afraid it is. Guards, take him away.

Warden:  NO!  NO!!!!!

Mayor:  I'm ashamed to call you my son, I don't know how I'm going to break the news to your mother.

The Mayor kicks the Warden in the balls, and the guards place him in a cell with his new roommate, Roscoe.



View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788393 Amongst Friends Mon, 20 Jul 2009 11:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788393 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
"His ugliness is oddly fascinating" - Turtle
Vinnie's back baby!  And he's not the only one.  Papparazzi are actually requesting photos of Drama, E's got random sleezy's visiting his new pad at unexpected times, and Turtle gets featured as the trophy boyfriend he is for Jamie-Lynn.  The premiere of Martin Scorcese's Gatsby was a huge success and now everyone wants a piece of Vincent Chase.

The guys haven't lost their Queens charm.  Instead of using their millions of dollars to hire movers; an A list celebrity, a B list celebrity, and a Turtle help move E into his new place themselves. 

Sloan swings by and puts out the vibe that she feels like she's in a frat house full of boys.  Will E be able to be the man she's looking for?  E asks her to the premiere and voluntarily enters 'the friend zone'.  I did think it was odd that they didn't even ride in the limo together.  Do you think they went Dutch on the drinks?

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-20 11:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788389 The First Evangelist Wed, 22 Jul 2009 13:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788389 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Cave man or man of God? Depending on which one you ask, the other one doesn't exist.
Gog:  Good morning, Flock!  Have you heard the good news?

Flock:  What good news?

Gog:  About how we all came into existence.

Flock:  What do you mean?  I thought we all fell out of our mothers' crotch flaps.

Gog:  Well, that's true, but what about the first of us?

Flock:  I never thought about it, could they have fallen out of a monkey's crotch flap?

Gog:  No, Flock, don't be an idiot.  Let me tell you about the first two people ever.

Flock:  Maybe some other time, I really need to get back to smashing this rock with my club ---

Gog:  "The Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and into his nostrils breathed life, and he became a living being."

Flock:  You expect me to believe a man was made out of dust and not from a crotch flap?  What was his woman made from, a mastodon turd?

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/b/collegehumor.a24e7e1a7080cb40c505518b280c4935.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-22 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:335076">Nick Griffith</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:156"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 11 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />